I'm a 20yo assigned male, and I've been having trans thoughts since I was around 9 or 10. Most of my young memories are of holing myself up with my computer and reading about trans related things, and (around 13 on) being sexually aroused and masturbating to everything having anything to do with trans anything. My first orgasm ever happened while I was blasting a feminization hypnosis video into my ears when I was 12, and pretty much my entire sexuallity has been based on imagining myself as female, and until I was 19 it was my dirty secret that I protected with my life Meanwhile my social/emotional development was basically fucked. I cried constantly as a child, was always very very sensitive, and I never really felt like I was getting along very well as far as my masculinity was considered. I used to pretend I had long hair by wrapping a towel around my head and throwing it over my shoulder and as soon as I was able to grow my hair long enough I was throwing it up in a towel like my sisters did. I would stand in front of the mirror and tuck to try to make my genitals look female, I actually discovered tucking accidentally while trying to figure out how to hide my penis, only to find out that it's the go to way to do things. I crossdressed, but it was pretty hard since my mom stayed home, and I always hated shopping for guys clothes because they were soooooooo boring I couldn't stand it, and the clothes I did like we're either flannels, plaid shorts, and tees, I really just wanted to wear what my friends were wearing being really afraid they'd think I couldn't dress myself. These habits waxed and waned for years amid absolutely terrible and crippling depression and social ineptitude. It cameb to a head at 18, when I realized i was to be a victim of my familys powerful balding genes. I thought imeadiately "Wait, how will I be a girl if I go bald?" and it sort of clicked (or more like crashed like a plane) for me that I was more serious than I thought. I came out to my girlfriend after she walked in on me in a dress, and then slowly started to come out to close friends and a few others I knew I could trust. I went out en femme and formed a collection of clothes I liked, and so far I guess things have gone pretty well. But now Im sort of just......stuck. I'm in therapy, I'm working on my makeup skills and learning how to put outfits together and things, but it's almost like the male side of me is trying to fight back, like I'm waging war with a monster within me. Atop that I'm constantly freaking out about being trans and revealing that this is real and that I'm out and I've told people. Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm just displacing my fears of aging, or fears of my family's expectations (only male in my generation) to be a man. I'm very confused, and very very tired of not being able to have fun or be happy because I'm stuck in gender limbo. Sorry for the book, any advice would really help
Hi Narrowbridge, I'm sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time. Coming out is not an easy thing to do at all. And you will have a lot of bad days before things get better. Have the people you told been supportive of you? This desire to be the opposite sex seems to have been imbedded in you from a very early age. Did you have any doubts then? Or are the doubts only coming to you now that you have come out to some people and are afraid of what your family will think (now that you have made the first steps)? What exactly do you mean when you say that your masculinity is fighting back? Do you feel like what you are doing just isn't right...in the sense that it is not what you thought it would be like? It is good that you are seeing a therapist. Discuss these things with them. A therapist is like a vault. Nothing goes beyond the walls of a therapist's room. And they are in a neutral position, so can give you objective advice. My only real piece of advice is....take a deep breath. You don't have to sort out everything right away (even though it hurts and is confusing). Give yourself more time to explore who you are. Best of luck, Sebby45
I guess that was sort of a bad way to put it, it's more like I can stop ending up in denial over and over again. I'll accept it and be fine and one day and the next I just think it's stupid and I'm delusional or whatever. Another thing is that I've considered taking hrt, I have for a while now but I feel so afraid to start because I'm afraid that I might not like it and that it won't be what Ive thought it would be, and then I'd be out and I'd have to undo it all with everyone. I've really liked the steps I've taken so far, although it's not without its pains and anxieties, I feel like I'm finally doing this thing I've always wanted to do but afraid I'm in it for the wrong reasons or making a mistake
Hi Narrowbridge. I'm sorry you're going through a rough time! Well, it's a rough time for a long time for a lot of us, I guess, who are queer in any way. Hang in there, honey. I just wanted to ask...are your doubts mainly about things to do with other people, how other people will react or what other people will think? If you could wave a magic wand and everyone would accept you lovingly as you are, would you have any doubts left? Also, if so, could a lot of the rest of us please borrow your magic wand? (Sorry, a little joke there.) I don't know if that's any help to you: It's just useful to me because I realized at a certain point that the doubts that I have on and off are all about what other people think or believe or whether I'd be accepted. I generally don't feel any doubt about what I want or how I feel when I'm being true to who I am if I only think about what I want and what I feel.
I understand the being stuck in gender limbo. It is hard. Since I don't plan to change my body I try my best to accept my body despite how my brain feels each day. But give it time and most of all believe in yourself. Try not to doubt how you are feeling or use your fears to prevent you from doing what you feel is right to become who you really are. Side note: Getting your makeup done by a professional at a makeup shop is very helpful to learn makeup, but after that experimenting and watching Youtube videos can be very helpful. Also having one set of decent brushes is a good idea for eyeshadow or other powders. Good Luck!
It seems like you already have your answer. You like the steps you have taken. The thing holding you back is fear. I imagine transitioning is a scary process...especially when people have perceived you a certain way for so long. Just try to relax and (I know this is totally cliché) listen to your heart. What does the inner you want for your life? Can you see yourself being satisfied as your old self? As they say, no pain - no gain. Sebby45
