Hello, hello! This will be my first thread and post. Normally I'd go through the usual introduction process, but I'm in dire straits already. That aside, nice to meet you all! Let's get started. I'm an early transitioner, I've been on HRT for three years. I've been in active stealth mode for over a year and I've reached peak tomboy. Since going stealth I've completely cut myself off from the wider LGBT community, mostly out of necessity and lack of common ground. I live in a densely conservative area, not to mention it's the town I grew up in. I've colored my hair, gotten new glasses, dress differently. I look nothing like the boy I was in high school. Even knowing all that, there's still the constant fear that I'll be clocked or recognized. I've looked and sounded feminine most of my life. I was teased about my figure and voice by my friends and family for years. Gynecomastia got me groped by my friends and made any sort of pool life a nightmare. If I could never be a normal boy, being a girl would be easier, right? I did/do have body dysphoria on the opposite end of the spectrum as well. I just don't know if this was the right way to go about it. I'd like to feel at peace again, guilt-free. Every time a guy hits on me, I feel guilty for deceiving him. Whenever a friend or coworker asks me to babysit their kid, I decline because a babysitter's history is something I'd want to know were it my kid. I realize this is just in my head, but no amount of reassurance from myself or others has made it go away. I'd like to be able to introduce myself without feeling like an actor or a liar. On top of that, I have a growing discomfort with my bust. Enough to bind on occasion. I'm focusing on the negatives, but a lot of good came from my transition as well. It alleviated much of my dysphoria at the time and probably kept me alive. In any case, I've taken my therapist's suggestion of cutting estradiol while I figure this out. Anyone in a similar situation? Suggestions?
While I'm still going on with my transition, I do have these doubts sometimes. Although I think a lot of it is part of my mental illness. Im trying to chalk it up to that at least. I have a lot of those same thoughts. I feel that in the end no matter how well I pass I will still not feel like a real woman. It's definitely an internal thing. I wanted to share just to let you know I can relate a bit.
Wow! A response already! Thank you for sharing that. The nagging feeling certainly doesn't help, does it? I'm not going off hormones entirely, of course. That's dangerous. I'm still on two types of blockers. My theory is I'll feel relieved by the change or be 'scared straight'.
No it really doesn't, especially when you also know that transitioning has made me happier in ways. I want to feel ok with myself but I think I never can. It's tough to deal with for sure. Feel free to post on my wall if you ever need to chat about it.
Maybe you're simply worried about how quickly your transition is going? You could always discuss lowering your hormone levels for the time being so that the changes aren't happening as noticeably over a shorter period of time. Also, are you of a more non-binary gender? If so, I think its somewhat normal to feel dysphoria for both/all ways of your being... it can create for some nervousness about if fitting at one end of the spectrum will mean lying just as much as where you used to be at the other end... if you'd really like to, you could discuss weaning yourself off of hormones with your provider, though I think this process usually takes a bit of time anyway, so you'd need to determine how much time you would really need to sit and think about this before potentially going back on again. ---------- Post added 17th Dec 2016 at 01:59 PM ---------- There's nothing wrong with taking the change slowly, if you think it could potentially shock you, it might be healthier to slow down the process a bit or try and back off of them for a while. Sometimes you know what you want, but your body takes longer to process it all and to heal, and that can be frustrating and confusing since it feels like theres a 'block', but it'll be okay.
I've had a long time to think about it. Three years. I really thought the guilty stuff would go away when I felt comfortable with my own skin. But that time has yet to come. Sadly, lowering hormones isn't really an option since my insurance provider doesn't cover much when it comes to checkups. Once or twice a year is all I can afford. I'd rather manage myself than risk my option to go back. As far as non-binary goes, it's not for me. I do sort of function as a non-binary individual already. Half the time people think I'm a tomboy/butch, the other half a teenage boy. Neither conclusion has bothered me, as my body has been the real issue. I don't even get clocked as trans. I've set the goal for 5 months off estrogen. Good or bad, I'll follow through. My therapist also suggested the stability of a real relationship may help me figure myself out. My terrible personality and shallowness have made anything but one night stands difficult. I can work on those, but there's also my location. I'm all kinds of jumbled up. ---------- Post added 17th Dec 2016 at 02:54 PM ---------- I really hope things start to click for you. Transition's a crazy thing, it's never a fix-all. Sometimes it's a scapegoat for larger issues. Acknowledging those issues can be scary, because you risk finding out this is the wrong choice. But so long as there's good that came from it, it can't be all bad. That's my take, anyway. I might take you up on the offer! Until then, take care!
I've decided to take a trip. Getting out of this town for a while has to help. Anyway, thank you both for your responses.
