How to proceed with sanity

Hello all,

So, one week ago today, the realization hit me. I feel feminine inside. Hit me hard. There was no doubt. I felt like throwing up for an hour because this was not on my radar. I had a few thoughts here and there. A few times I had pictured myself being a woman in the shower. A few times I imagined being a woman in the bedroom.

Then, out of no-where I'm thinking, I need to be out. I need to be wearing woman's clothes in public. NOW! I need to tell all my friends. I need to stop hiding.

That was a week ago. This week has been hard. Sunday, I told the woman I was dating all of this. She's been really supportive in the last few weeks. (I told her I had sexual orientation questions two Sundays ago. Jesus. What am I going to find THIS Sunday???) And I just cried. While I was crying, I blurted out that I felt like I have the wrong parts. Felt true. Maybe feels true. But I've been numb for about 4 days now.

Last Saturday I wanted to shave my beard, shave my legs, and start wearing pretty clothes.

Now, I just feel tiny urges like that.

SO, to my point. To the title of this thread. I need to figure me out. I need to be safe. Both in protecting myself from social/familial turmoil, and more importantly, in my head. I don't know how much control I have over this, but, I feel like I'm numb to protect myself right now. The questions and especially the answers have been so shocking, I'm having trouble coping.

Some thoughts that have scared the crap out of me:

- I'm a pretty good looking guy. Not super masculine, but not feminine. I have a very deep insecurity about looking good enough as a female. (If that's what I want in the end.) Maybe, just trying things in little steps will satisfy some urges and make me feel better. Don't know. Haven't tried anything.

- I'm 46. As a man, I've been feeling ok about getting older. Men get more distinguished as they age. Now, shit. Not only am I a masculine-ish looking man, but I'll be an older woman. Feels like double societal rejection territory. (Age and man trying to look female.)

- Love. Who do I love? Who do I want to love me? I've dated very very little. As soon as the woman would start to have feelings for me, I'd get scared/feel guilty. I wasn't in. Sex was awful for me. So, now I have this epiphany. I've been asking the wrong question. It's not am I attracted to men or women, it's AM I a man or a woman. So, I'm looking at the people I'm interacting with as I go about my last few days, and it hits me that even the men that I'm attracted to. If they were attracted to me, as I am now, it would feel wrong. I think that's why it's taken so long to figure this out. I'm not gay. I feel like a straight woman with lesbian tendencies. The fear is that I'll never find a man that loves me as a woman. (Again, if that's where I end up.)

- The biggest one for me right now, is just the complete switch in everything I know. I'm having little daydreams of being female. Decorating my house in a feminine manner. Dressing and acting in a feminine manner. I haven't paid ANY ATTENTION to any of that in my life up to now. I've discounted it. Called it stupid. Interior decorating is stupid. Fashion is stupid. Reality TV is stupid. Am I going to change all of that? So much of my identity is wrapped up in being rational. I've never spent much time on my house, or my looks. It's all freaking me out a bit.

So, I haven't yet met any LGBT people IRL. I've avoided the community because it made me uncomfortable. I'm going to be getting introduced to some people that a friend knows and trusts soon. I probably need to push that along, but that's scary too. Whoa. Really scary. That feels like moving this forward. That feels like making this all real.

This has been a brain dump. I'm not even sure it makes sense. I'm pretty sure I don't make sense right now. To jumbled. To scared. To numb. To tired. It's been a week. And I want to run away from all of it. But I never want to go through the pain of another try at dating like I was. I hurt every woman I was involved with and left them and myself confused. It hurts, really bad, to think about the feelings I had while dating D, the woman I've come out to. I feel SO guilty. I wanted this one to work and for my confusion to go away. And I got my wish. The confusion went away and I can't accept the answer.

-nsam

 

Just working through some feelings here.

I'm doing bookkeeping for my business and going through receipts. I'm finding all the dinners I bought for D.

I found the receipt from 12/1. The last night we had sex. It was awkward and confusing. It was also hopeful and a little fun because it was naughty and it was with her. I. like. her. I like who she is. I like being with her. I liked how she looked at me.

But that isn't enough. I didn't 'finish' that night. Just like the other nights. I could feel the resistance in me to getting to that point. It felt wrong. Feels wrong. This was the night that pushed me to start talking about sexual orientation confusion. And then a week later to face my gender confusion. With D. She was the first person I talked to. She is my confidant. She's been extremely supportive through all of this. And I miss her even though we are friends. Because a part of me can't let go of the dating 'us'. To talk to her now, is to admit all of this gender questioning is real. And I'm a little too scared to do that. To hang out with her as friends is a little too real. It means the 'relationship' us has really died and I'm still grieving that. So, I'm not talking deep to her right now. Just weather and Star Wars and work and Christmas present buying bullshit.

And I'll go to a Christmas party tonight alone. Like I always do. And be with friends that have no idea all of this is going on. And I'll have to say, "It didn't work out with D." And that really hurts. And I'll spend New Year's Eve alone because we can't go together. We aren't dating. We're friends. And that has to be enough right now.

I really want to just hang out and look at some Christmas lights with her. And hopefully I'll be able to do that. Sometime soon.

Thanks for being here everyone. It helps to have a place to express something so confusing and different than what everyone else experiences. The "Why" of why things didn't work out is something I can't express to people out in the world right now. Just here. So, thanks.

---------- Post added 17th Dec 2016 at 01:55 PM ----------

Lol! I wasn't that cute of a kid. Lot of zits. Overweight. And zero confidence. In my 20s I guess I got better looking. Partially because I figured out how to ACT confident. Didn't have any on the inside, but... that goes into everything we talk about here.

Anyway, I appreciate your comment. We'll see, huh?