So I was innocently shopping for groceries. Just as I was leaving I saw this young woman going in. She was wearing a very nice sweater and it genuinely looked good on her, so as she started to pass by me I casually told her that her sweater was pretty. I got such a dirty glare from her, like I was some sort of creeper! She said "Thank you" and went into the store. I get these reactions sometimes and it makes me wonder...Do I give off some sort of vibe? Like I'm not quite right? I can't help but think that it ties into my gender identity, because sometimes more than others I tend to look more boyish (especially when I bind and wear my least restrictive clothes). Does it mean that I unsettle people because they aren't sure exactly what I am? I never bother to correct people when they use the opposite pronouns...usually my friends will say something about it! I am the King of overthinking...maybe they just had a bad day. I don't know. But like I said, it happens. Sebby45
Are you frequently seen as a masculine woman? She might be assuming you're a lesbian, and women who are ignorant or homophobic get upset when someone they perceive as a lesbian is "hitting on them" (even though a single compliment is really not the same thing as hitting on someone). If you're being seen as male, she might be creeped out because a lot of women don't like compliments from men they don't know, because so many men do it in such a sexual way, or compliment them and then expect something in return.
I think it has the most to do with what she assumes your sexuality is. If someone compliments you on your appearance and is at all specific, it seems to me it only feels safe if either you feel confident they're not sexually interested in you or you want them to be sexually interested in you. If she read you as a gay man or a straight woman, I think you would have been fine. (I don't even mention bisexual people because I don't think the great majority of the population ever remembers to include us as a possibility.) For the time being, I still always present as a male in public, and I'm tempted time and time again to compliment someone I see on her hair or clothes or something else about her appearance, but I only ever do it when I'm sure she'll be clear that it's not a come-on of any kind. (I'm permanently partnered.) It's just another dumb way gender assumptions divide us, although I guess there have to be some behaviors reserved for courting, because it's already hard enough to guess how someone feels about you when it really is romantic interest.
That is what I am unsure of. Somedays I present more masculine (with binding) and can get away with passing. And when I present more feminine...well it still is more on the masculine, but with maybe sheer lipgloss or a dark nail polish added on. I like boyfriend style clothes, hoodies, looser fitting clothing, jeans, flannel shirts, t-shirts...you get the picture. And I rarely wear any jewelry. Maybe one simple ring at the absolute most. Which could go either way gender wise. Oh, and I have short hair, but it has grown out a bit now, so I can make it look either way as well. So maybe she did think I was a lesbian. The way I was dressed is my normal style, but I guess it could have been perceived as "butch." It makes me wonder what other people actually think of me...the ones who don't say anything! :icon_redf I just said it casually. I am trying to be more open about noticing nice things about people and telling them. I have social anxiety, so it is a little challenge for me. It is not like I am running around complimenting everyone I see! :lol: And I only compliment a man if I feel that it is appropriate, like if I know them already. Because I know that can lead into a mess quite quickly. But since my attractions lean more towards women than men, I feel that maybe women avoid me because they can sense it. Guys for the majority, just leave me alone. For example, I asked one girl if she would like to hang out. Every time I ran into her there was some excuse, and then she disappeared completely. I think I am destined to live the lone life. I just can't seem to connect to anyone. I am just a superfluous person to others. And it is ironic, because I am asexual. I could be the greatest friend you ever had! I think bisexuals and asexuals have that in common...no one ever really thinks about them when it comes to queer stuff. We are the fringe people.:rolle: But I agree, there have to be some sort of courting guidelines, otherwise it would be utter chaos. Whew! Long response....
If you do want to live the lone life, more power to you...but you don't, don't give up! It's funny, but feeling strange and lonely (as I think many of us here have at times) gives us an understanding of the world that can be deeply attractive to other people who have also felt strange and lonely. And I know it's hard to find your person if you're not outgoing, but that just means you're an introvert, which between a third and a half of all the people you meet are, too. Some of us fake it better than others, depending on the circumstances, but speaking as an introvert married to an introvert, it's a great relief to connect with someone who values quiet one-on-one over splashy social stuff if that's the way you are too.
That kind of relationship sounds lovely. I can fake being outgoing for short periods of time, but I get so tired and stressed afterwards. I basically melt down. :tears: I am just going to soldier on and try to be happy the way I am, and if I can find someone I can connect to, so be it!:icon_bigg
I agree with the others. She could either be reading you as a butch lesbian or a cis man, which can set off these remarks. I compliment women all the time and never get this, so I think they just don't read me as a lesbian. I AM a lesbian, but It's hard for them to tell, especially when I'm walking around in a pink top. But a lot of straight women are threatened by gay people or men hitting on them.
Oh well. Once, a long time ago, I felt awkward when a man walked up to me and said: "You're beautiful, I just wanted you to know that." And walked off. It was a bit odd. But I just shrugged it off. I guess there is no helping it. People will see me however they want and that's that.
