When you switch genders... (bigender/genderfluid/ etc.)

Although I have a pretty solid gender myself, my best friend is genderfluid. They pretty much go by all pronouns at any time (i.e. if I started referring to them as a he or she right now, they wouldn't mind at all). As a result, they don't make it obvious what gender they are at a given day.

Having said that, I have picked up on some mannerisms that they do when they are more male or female. They tend to be quite gentle when they are more female (i.e. they'd rather hug people), and energetic when they are more male (i.e. they'd rather punch people). Also they have a tendency to roll up their sleeves to their shoulders when they're more male. I find it quite interesting to see how subtle those differences are, even though I haven't figured out how to distinguish their agender/genderqueer days just yet.

 

Sometimes I strongly feel male and sometimes I don't, though I never feel female. I'm out to my friends as a binary trans guy and they use male pronouns for me all the time, and I'm fine with that. I might like my female name and neutral pronouns on agender days, but I think that would get complicated very quickly and I like to keep things simple. I've always been afraid of being shunned or ridiculed for being trans, and while that hasn't happened thus far I think it might happen if I tried to update people on my gender each day. Mostly I just want to get on with my life, and I'm comfortable enough doing so in a fully male role.

If I felt it wouldn't cause confusion or mockery, I would sometimes wear feminine clothes (as in T-shirts with flowers on them, not as in anything showing off my "curves") or get someone to paint my nails, but days when I want to be feminine are not necessarily the same as days when I don't feel male. Femininity is for everyone. If I did want to give people a clue about my gender each day, though, I would do it by wearing feminine or androgynous clothes on agender days and masculine or androgynous clothes on male days.

The only thing that changes about my mannerisms, as far as I'm aware, is how I sit. When I feel agender, I'm more likely to sit like the man on the left in this image, while when I feel male I'm more likely to sit like the man on the right by default.

 

I'd definitely say my mannerisms have a lot to do with how I experience my gender, and they always have, even before I knew I was non-binary I would have more "masculine days" than others. I would describe the way I experience my gender as being akin to bigender... there are days where I feel distinctly more girl or boy, but overall its not by a huge shift, as I mostly feel agender and have always acted in a very "androngynous" or not-gendered fashion in my mannerisms and how I address people in such-- so there is a noticeable distinction when I am feeling a certain way.

Although I could recognize feeling like my certain gender, it wasn't until my boyfriend told me that about my mannerisms that I even knew they changed to such a noticeable degree xD He says I tend to mimic his body language more- squaring up my shoulders with his / other peoples as opposed to how I'm typically quiet and aback seeming... I slouch more, usually stand a bit wider, tend to walk with my center of gravity lower (like sort of a swagger- its entirely unintentional though). I also talk a bit more blunt and use more cut-and-dry facial expressions; I feel less of an obligation to be so preening and "girly" which it one thing I hate about feeling like a girl and needing to fit into feminine standards of behavior, even though I was assigned female at birth and sometimes feel like a girl, I don't usually enjoy it. I also like to wear more masculine clothing as well.

Anyway, as for letting people know when I feel this way... I'm still figuring that part out xD I currently go by my birthname with everyone, and have discussed my boyfriend calling me 'Kipp' when I feel more masculine and he told me to tell him when to do that, so I'm going to try that soon. Not sure how I would implement it with friends or people who aren't around me as much though, I just worry about seeming confusing or uneccessary... I would adore if he could call me masculine pronouns as well, but honestly I think its a bit soon for that switch too and it might intimidate him a bit, so thats why I chose another name over pronouns so that people don't need to be uncomfortable feeling like they might be getting them wrong by switching or something. It just depends on what you want and like I think.

 

I have a ring with an interchangeable colored band to communicate my gender, but no one really pays attention to it, so I don't update it regularly, so I never talk about it so no one notices it, so no one pays attention and the cycle continues.

My mannerisms most definitely change with my gender. I feel like I sit differently and talk differently. I wish my walk was significantly different, but it's so hard and I look unnatural when I try to alter my gait, so I just kinda walk the same anyway.

It's hard going fluid from guy right into girl, because I look back on my actions from the past day and I've been, in my memories, appallingly rude- for a girl. That level is still polite for a guy, I'm not like an asshole, I just start remembering times I talked over someone for a few seconds, or when I didn't say goodbye as kindly as I would as a girl, and the combination of all those things is overwhelming and I start reflexively apologizing for everything and I'm still trying to get that under control. Other fluctuations aren't so bad, I just have to figure out what gender I feel like before I can figure out why I'm dysphoric in a different way than I was before. I'm the most comfortable in the middle of things, or a mix.

 

For me, pronouns are difficult. I’ve made a pronoun necklace, but my more noticeable shifts are short and tend to happen when I’m alone or in unsafe company. Why this is I don’t know. Most of the time I’m about 60% boy and 40% girl, but there is a wide variety of settings I’ve experienced including smack in the middle (50% of each), 50% each plus a bias one way or the other, and a mixed stage (is “androgyne” the correct term?) where I can’t determine what the percentages are, I’m just simultaneously a boy who’s also a girl and a girl who’s also a boy. So in a sense changing my pronouns isn’t very helpful or practical, but at the same time I crave it.

My mannerisms definitely change. When I’m female I’m not a woman. I’m somewhere in the young girl/teenager range. There was one time last year, before I knew I was genderfluid, where I came back from a party and suddenly not only felt girly but also had an strong, inexplicable urge to cover my bedroom walls and ceiling with posters of Frozen characters and boy bands. :lol: My adult male side does like Frozen, but the degree of feeling and drive and urgency was completely out of character for that. My partner noticed earlier this year that there was a definite point where the way I interacted and thought and behaved changed from spontaneous, genuinely female to male and it was accompanied by a striking change in my clothing choices from bold, vibrant colours to more plain or neutral tones and minimal patterns. And she too has noticed an age difference between when I’m a boy and when I’m a girl. In terms of social interaction my girl side tends to be more feminine in my speech, and the way I’m physically affectionate.

Do I think this changed after I became aware of switching genders or before I came to the knowledge that I wasn’t cisgender? I think it has become much more apparent and insistent, although I do have more subtle shifts. There always were times when I felt suddenly girly in a way which wasn’t simple tomgirlishness, just not as often as now because I repressed it. Nowadays my girl side smashes the door down if I repress her, so I have to take some precautions (such as being female on EC and asking for more feminine stage makeup at choir concerts) in order to acknowledge her and make me feel more comfortable. I am a girl. I am a boy. I am both.

 

Oh ... it sounds like I operate pretty differently than each person who's posted so far. I do generally wake up one gender or the other, but if I wake up female, on most days I have to push myself over to male mode, because I'm not out at work and don't expect to be, so I always show up to work male (though I may be female for the commute in).

I don't have much difficulty steering myself into being one gender or another on very short notice. It's just that if I neglect one of my genders (so far, it's only been my female side that's been neglected), it gets really problematic. This has been the problem I've dealt with for most of my life, that I usually repressed my female side. It's blissfully different now.

I've tried blending modes and being a stealth girl, but it really doesn't work well for me: it always feels like being constantly fake or repressing most of my girl side to present as male. From what I've heard, there are a lot of people who can combine their genders just fine without being fake! I'm not one of them, though.

If I'm with other people, it's never difficult to tell what gender I am. My voice changes dramatically between genders, although I've only been practicing my female voice with focus for a couple of weeks, and I'm not at all satisfied with it. Still, it's clearly feminine, even if it sounds "off." If I'm home and go into girl mode for more than a short time, that means doing everything that goes with that: my hair, my clothes, my makeup, my voice, my gestures, how I use my emotions, and all the rest.

The big problem with this approach is that, being out to just a few people, I get very limited time to be a girl. This may change over time, as I find more safe people and safe environments. I get all dreamy over the idea of taking a week's vacation with my partner somewhere like Portland, Maine, or Provincetown and being full-girl the whole time. I have the wardrobe for it, so I'm ready to go!

I also get to fully be my female self sometimes on the computer, like right now, when my appearance doesn't matter. That helps a lot.

The great thing about this approach for me is that when I shift into one gender or the other, I can be fully committed and unconflicted about being that gender. This is just because of my trouble blending genders, not because I think anybody has to stick with the two default genders.

---------- Post added 21st Dec 2016 at 11:18 AM ----------

Oh, Hats, I meant to mention...my partner saw the same thing in me, that my female side acts younger. I've been working to become more mature on that side, and I seem to have gotten far enough that my clothing choices and interests, for instance, are fairly appropriate to my biological age. I'm not sure this is the best way for everyone, though. I think there's something to be said for having a girlhood even if has been postponed for a decade or three.

 

I feel like the way I worded my post could've made it seem like I didn't have trouble with this simply because I was trying to present it in a rational / objective mindset, but in reality I do struggle with this as well. I try to present myself fairly androgynously all the time because personally it just seems like a lot of work and mental turmoil to constantly have to deal with switching... also, I figure I'm already pretty good at blocking out the dysphoria I've experienced up until now in my life, so sometimes its just easier to succumb to that instead of constantly telling people which name and pronouns to use every time they're with me. In reality, I would love if I could just easily let people know what days to use he/him and Kipp and she/her and my birthname and not have them slip up or find it awkward, etc. but I feel like thats just often not achievable. Right now I'm working on doing something like that with my boyfriend, and I might with a 1 or 2 close friends in the future but that's about it.

Also, I sort of understand the "feeling younger" with one gender than another xD typically, I have dysphoria when I feel in the middle, or like an older sort-of-girl but mostly androgynous person... but the only time I'm able to feel really feminine and fully girly is if I feel like a "younger" girl. That being said, I'm already kind of a childish person who likes cute things and stuffed animals and such... sometimes the same goes for being a boy as well though. I sort of think of it as though, because my "boy" side has been repressed most of my life, I have less practice with the feelings, so they're less mature?? Like, sometimes I'm more insecure and hot-headed and angstier like a young boy would be hahah, especially if my identity gets compromised... who knows xD

Edit: I've read about quite a few people having this "age gap" between genders... perhaps its because as children thats the only time we experience this androgyny since we don't yet have set definitions of gender in our minds yet, and so "younger" is the easiest word to describe this sensation?? Also, I attribute my feelings on this towards the fact that the feelings have been suppressed for a long time....so you don't mentally "grow" if your feelings are suppressed, thus making them "feel" younger. Just a thought.

 

Yeah, I agree that the gap is probably caused by repression. For me the situation is a mess. My inner girl is usually about nine or 13 and occasionally 16. I think the ages are linked to milestones. When I started secondary school at 11 I knew before I walked in the door that I’d have to repress my girly side, and I did, not always with success. My 13th birthday was probably my favourite, and of course that’s when I became more interested in romantic relationships, and at 16 I changed schools for sixth form and was leaving a school where I could be relatively safe socially to one where acceptance was more difficult. The fact people will probably never be able to guess my age even if I’m correctly gendered when I’m a girl hurts. It feels like I’ll never truly be able to express these ages fully.

The funny thing is that for a long time before questioning I was aware there was a part of me that desperately wanted to go back in time and re-run my childhood as a girl, in a way that wasn’t simply the desire to express my girly interests without reproach. I wanted to be accepted as a girl and validated as a girl, and socialise as a girl and BE A GIRL. It’s still there and it still does and it’s one of the ways I know I’m not cis. I do want that side to have a genuine girlhood. I don’t want to force it to grow up suddenly, which would probably be emotionally unhealthy anyway. But at the same time I know that the idea of an adult behaving somewhat like a child isn’t an attractive one to most people. And I feel I can’t reasonably let go of being male. I’ve tried and it doesn’t work. Either it’s residual fear of being binary trans or it’s further proof of being fluid. I think the latter makes the most sense.

Sorry for the ramble – I didn’t realise how much emotional stuff was going on behind this issue.

 

Its alright I can understand how its sensitive, since a lot of us have had these feelings built up over our lives until they just come bursting out in, what look to others, like really immature ways. I think perhaps its also society's views on our issues that cause us to suppress them further... and the reason sometimes our community seems like its full of "mentally ill, overly-sensitive special snowflakes" to ignorant onlookers... because we've all been coping the same ways for a long time... and now that we have a bit of an opening, we can't help but want to break down that wall all at once.

I think what has just helped me is learning to express my repressed feelings in a constructive way that will also help them to grow; I don't think its immature or unattractive... just innocent, and a mindset for re-learning. Like I said before, the only time I can really express my femininity in a way that makes me confident is by indulging in my love for stuffed animals and dolls and vintage toys and stuff... it seems childish to some, but it reminds me of a time when I could enjoy my femininity without feeling dysphoric about it, which helps me to accept myself as I am now in the present. Also, since I've recently come out as having sort of a "boy side" as well to my boyfriend, I think sometimes he knows to treat me in sort of a little brother type way... like when I'm acting like a boy, he sort of encourages it, as though teaching me how to be a boy back...also he takes me shopping for "boy" clothes and tells me what looks good and makes me look more masculine. I think its just finding ways for yourself and others to reaffirm and accept you where you really need to belong.

Also, I think its neat how you've noticed they tend to have a relation to milestones... I'm not sure where mine lay specifically like that so I guess I'll have to do some digging as well to find out when these feelings first arose and where they were suppressed, etc. And as for the fear of being binary / reinforcing having a fluid identity... I definitely relate with that hahah. Sometimes, I'll feel like a boy for so long, start getting so much more dysphoria and hating my birthname and pronouns, I start fantasizing about physically transitioning, buying a packer... then wake up the next day like "why the heck was I thinking that?!"

 

I feel that too. I bet a lot of us do. Although I don't know if I'd give up my boyhood for it. Fortunately/unfortunately, that's not a choice.

Do you know the Dar Williams song "When I Was a Boy"? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IcOlkA3ghf4 It's kind of validating, even though I'm pretty sure Dar isn't anywhere in the QUILTBAG except for the "ally" part.