Depressed about being trans & my future.

I will not lie to you in saying that being transgender is a difficult life. But this does not mean it is impossible.

Your message I felt the need to reply to, because it sounds exactly like something I would write. I understand, it is strange to accept sometimes to accept that we are a part of that >0.5% of people who are trans. But there are others like us. And there are others who have done it, and who are living now - physically and socially - full and complete lives in their true gender. Why? Because they chose life and they chose to persevere even through the worst circumstances imaginable. They did not have any special powers; they were just like you.

You are not alone brother. You've made it this far, and you can finish this journey out. In the next few years a lot will start happening, so even if you cannot medically or socially transition now, there are things you can do to prepare yourself. Focus on what you can control right now - and the rest will come with time.

A year ago I was in your position. I did not see much hope for my future. I was firmly in the closet and had lost over three years of my life to depression. I was self harming, lonely, bitter, and very sad. There were so many goals I'd tried and failed to attain. I had this picture of the kind of man I wanted to become but he always felt so far away. But when you are stuck in a depressive mindset, you are unable to see hope. There comes a point - and I think you sense it - where you have to do something about it. If you did not want to do anything then you wouldn't have written here.

I've made slow progress in this past year, but progress nonetheless. I came out as transgender to my parents, I have made substantial progress in fitness (swim training over 6 months, just learning ballet as well), I've cleaned up my diet, and am putting more effort into my social life (even if it is still only cyber-social for now). The point is - a year ago I would not have thought I would have made it. But I have. And you can.

You seem to be FTM, based on what you've described. So I do not think the question is whether you are a man, but what to do from here. First, I think you have made the right choice coming here to EC. This place is a great resource and community to connect with others like yourself and also to track your progress. Even if this place doesn't work out long term for you, it is important to keep company.

Next, I would suggest you look into a therapist if you don't already have one. A good therapist can help you think through issues in your life and come up with plans to address them.

Third, make goals for yourself. Start with specific, attainable small goals. What do you enjoy doing - such as sports, art, music, etc? Keep busy with things that are beneficial for your mental health as the aforementioned.

Fourth, work to keep yourself healthy. And I mean work. When you are depressed and especially if you have chronic physical pain, it can be very difficult. But it is especially important for you to keep healthy. So focus on eating clean, getting enough sleep, and being active.

These are, of course, rather general pointers. But in my experience every little thing helps. Do things which elicit confidence in yourself. Get a binder if you can, switch your deodorant to masculine scents, wear guys' clothes, get a haircut. Focus on the positive aspects about yourself. Imagine a good future when you have that jawline, that flat chest, those arms, that stubble. Not if - when.

Something that helped me tremendously was watching transguys' YouTube channels. Perhaps they will help you too.
-ALionsFears
-therealalexbertie
-jammiedodger
-uppercaseCHASE1
-ElectricDade
-Benton
-skylarkeleven

Your transition is already underway. It isn't too late or too impossible. Just focus on one day at a time.