I'm really new to all this. 10 days since I had my epiphany about feeling female and 17 days since I told someone I was questioning my sexuality. 17 days of trying to come to terms with thoughts and feelings I'd repressed, never really had, or had but just mentally laughed off. I was dating a woman for about 2.5 months, which pushed me to this point. One of my longer dating experiences sadly. (I'm in my 40s) I'm having a lot of trouble letting her go. To let her go is to let go of the dream of being normal. To stop trying. We are switching to friendship. She is the only person IRL that knows what's going on with me. I don't know any LGBT people. I will soon, but right now, I don't. She's been a shoulder to cry on and a support. And she's out of dating mode. She's firmly in a friendship place and has a lot more perspective on this than I do. Last night she wrote me a long text that included, "This is your life story and I'm a small part of it." That hurts. That's hard to face. That makes all this real. For 2.5 months I've focused on her. And in the last three, four weeks, she has been the constant measuring stick I've been working against. Am I attracted to her? How am I attracted to her? Do I want to kiss her? We have this huge emotional connection. What does it mean? I told her I'm questioning sexuality. I told her I was questioning gender. That's HUGE! And she says, "she will be a small part" in my life. In some ways, she's not wrong. She isn't in the LGBT community. I will have stronger connections there because we are all going through this. And she's not wrong because I've never been in love. I've never even enjoyed sex. At some point these things will happen for me and she will be a small part of my life. But she feels like a big part of it right now and that feels warm and safe and I don't want to let that go.
