Allow me to explain in full my situation so that the weight of this can be at least somewhat expressed. I am female...at least, physically. In high school I dated girls, and I liked being the strong one. The tall one. The rock. I dated a girl for 2 years who I loved, but I felt unhappy. At the time, I knew nothing about the transgender community, except that some people existed who liked to live as the opposite sex. One day I told this girl, I'll call her Suzy for her privacy, that i felt odd about myself and I asked her if she would still love me if I was a man. If I had a penis. She told me she loved me the way I was and that I didn't need to change myself. For me, this was heartbreaking but I didn't know why, because it seemed like such a supportive answer. I made mistakes down the line and cheated on her with another woman, which is completely my fault. But then I met this guy in college. For his privacy we'll call him Sam. Sam was this great guy who liked many of the same things I did, and he introduced me to things that I now feel very passionate about. Even though I'm not really attracted to men, something about Sam was different. He was about as far from my type as can be. He's taller than me, large and bear-like. But he was funny and kind and he helped me through so much. Sam came into my life at a low point of depression when thoughts of suicide were ever present, and my girlfriend Suzy tried everything to help me but couldn't break my shield. But Sam could. And he did. Sam and I were friends for some time when I realized he had fallen in love with me, and I was almost certain I'd fallen for him despite all odds. I broke up with Suzy, admitting I'd cheated on her and couldn't let myself do it again with Sam. She was heartbroken, but in time she moved on. Early in my relationship with Sam, I expressed some of my gender concerns. At this point I'd done some research and learned that Genderqueer and Transmasculine existed. Sam is very heterosexual in physical terms, but very open minded and supportive of my identity. And being with Sam has let me find new ways to express my gender. I can buy men's clothing without fear [sam often buys things for me in mens sizes]. He's never asked my to be anything I'm not and let's me live as I please. And being with Sam has made depression manageable. Granted I don't feel even transitioning could make my depression just go away. But having Sam with me is like having a warm fire in a bitter snow storm. It's safety and warmth. 5 years into my relationship with Sam and we are planning a wedding for a year from now. It will be a heterosexual one, because very few people know of my gender identity, and none of my family knows. I love Sam. And at this point I feel like I need him to feel sane. But something keeps nagging at me. The older I get, the more male I feel. The more fantasies of living as a man physically wave into my mind. But living with Sam would mean never transitioning, because Sam is not attracted to men in the slightest. our relationship works now because I have a female body. Now that I've said all that, I guess my question is...Can I be happy as a man, living in a woman's body? Can it get easier? My partner is so open and wants me to be happy, but I don't want to push him away by transitioning. Are there transmen who choose not to transition? and are they happy that way? -Sig
Oh, that sounds like a very difficult set of feelings to untangle, SiKiHe. I don't have any real, wise, well-considered advice...but I will tell you what my gut response was, in case it helps. My gut response, what I felt from reading what you wrote, was that marrying Sam would be a mistake. I mean, obviously you love him, and obviously he loves you, but if he needs you to be physically female to be romantically involved with you, then he needs you to be something it sounds like you feel you really aren't. My first marriage was with someone who felt like a safe harbor, someone I thought should be a perfectly good match for me. Part of that decision was that I didn't have anyone else that interested in me. I thought it was that person or no one. It was a mistake--not because of gender issues, although I'm sure if we had stayed together that would have become a big problem, too, but because deep down we couldn't be who we really were with each other. Your relationship with Sam, though, sounds more connected and loving than that, and like I say, I don't think I have real advice for you. I hope it's useful to hear another perspective, though, even if the effect is to make you realize you want to do the opposite of what I'm suggesting. Good luck! Either way, be strong! ---------- Post added 20th Dec 2016 at 11:34 AM ---------- I forgot to say: years later, people started emerging for me, plenty of choices (it took long enough!), until I found my real partner, who I'm with now and who loves me as both my genders, and I wouldn't trade the years of searching to get to any lesser place.
Thank you for responding, KitSylph. And I appreciate your example. I will say that I've never told Sam that I want to transition. So I can't say for sure that it would cause our relationship to end. But I also know Sam very well, and I know that he likes my body, and that it is a part of why we work. Aside from intimate times though, he treats me as if I was male, and even does little thoughtful things to support the idea of me being Transmasculine. And while transition would be ideal, I'm not 100% sure I would need it. I've never seen a therapist for my gender struggles. I only experience what I recognize as dysphoria around menstruation, and occasionally over my chest. It's less about hating my female form and more of a desire and fantasy to be male. Is that TMI? that might be TMI and I'm sorry if it is.
There are many trans men who choose not to medically transition, for whatever reason. One being because they do not feel the need to change their physical appearance. Another because they can't. It's always personal and different for each of us. The question you have to ask is, will you be happy that way? Once you have your answer, this is a conversation you should likely have with your partner. If he loves you and wants you to be happy as much as your thread suggests, his response may surprise you. Or it will show you what you truly want/need. Either outcome will hopefully help you decide how you want to live your life, even if it hurts at first. It may be a chance you'll have to take, maybe not now but eventually. Good luck. I hope things work out for you.
Thank you for responding Samuel. I guess I also have this fear of telling Sam just how far my gender goes. He know's I'm transmasculine, but I've never told him i've thought of transitioning. But I suppose it's only fair to him to tell him the full weight of it before we get married, in the event my feelings get stronger. He should have fair warning at least.
Samuel's advice seems sound to me! That's a great point, SiKiHe: whatever his reaction may be in the moment, it definitely seems more respectful and considerate of Sam to let him know the full story.
I would suggest thinking over what Samuel above said. Do you think you would physically be happy being male for the rest of your life? If so then I would suggest talking to your partner. I am sure he will try to understand and be supportive.
That depends on the man, so that is a question only YOU can answer. It can. It can also get worse. The situation will depend on the circumstances. Do you think you can predict those circumstances? How good is your self knowledge? If you put your happiness behind your partner's happiness, you'll make him suffer at the end. I am not transitioning because of medical reasons : I refuse to alter my body for a solution that I'm positive it won't work for me. I am also quite good looking, and I seem to irradiate sex, which can be both fun and useful. I am aware that the game of seduction would be out of my reach if I altered my body, and I don't think it's worth it. Also the idea of a drug dependency repulses me. Being happy is not a permanent state, that would be nirvana and I haven't met anyone who has reached that stage, no matter what they think or say. Human life is coupled with misery, pain and trouble, and the way we deal with it is the key to minimize the 'bad'. Happiness is a struggle then, but it can be also as simple as a choice : Not to struggle. It seems to me you shouldn't run to your marriage. It's not about the partner, but how you explained the reasons for your love towards your partner. He seems to you like a savior of yourself (depression, need for human warmth, etc). Relationships are made of ups and downs. To share a place with someone will change the relationship. It is expected that you will give him children one day. It is expected purchases like cars, houses and expensive items will be made. You could end up in a terrible mess in just a couple of years, not only on the emotional level, but also financially. If you had a kid on that period, your career will suffer, and your choices won't be as many as now. If you haven't finished your studies, you will be stuck on a low wage job for many years, or else you'll be doomed to be financially dependent on somebody else. Your partner could lose his job. Your partner could leave for any reason. Have you thought what would you do on that case? You really shouldn't run to that marriage before you haven't cleaned up and done your own homework : Learn to cope with your depression, learn how to deal with your emotional needs without the need of somebody else's help. When you are able to do that, then take care of your gender issues. Be very clear and very open about transitioning with your partner. Put him into many tests - like wearing a fake beard. Watch together transitioning videos and check how he reacts. Talk about it, be honest with him. And afterwards, when all is well, and if you really want to do that to yourself, go ahead and marry your partner.
I wanted to give an update to this, and thank everyone for their advice. Even if I've gone against what some of you have said, I want you to know I thought about it and I appreciate the different ways you all thought about this. First, I thought about myself. My emotional needs and what all of it meant. Ultimately, to me, My gender is how I present. It's how I walk, what I like, and how I feel. While having the parts would be nice, It wouldn't really address the things that make me feel masculine, and the thought of hormones has always frightened me anyway. For me right now, I feel that it's more about being recognized as masculine and being free to present that way regardless of organs. And I think my more depressive spells have centered around being over feminized in the past. I also thought about the future. My partner and I have been together for 5 years now. We've agreed we don't want children, and we've lived together for 3 years now. We've had a sort of married life without the title and legality of marriage. And we've had ups and downs in that, but over all have been happy together. So last night I talked to him. I told him how I felt. That I've thought about transition before but I'm still not sure I want it, and how it matters more to me that he and at least a few others see me as male. He was rather hilariously confused. As far as he was concerned I had made that very clear in that I dress in men's clothes, boxers and all. In the way I speak and how we interact. I also talked about how my feelings might change about myself, and he said of course they would. His feelings as a cis man change all the time. sometimes one might feel more quiet and reserved and others one might want to go out and be a macho man. and that's normal. So it would seem that I was overly worried. Talking to him was the best thing I could have done to easy those worries. And as far as in the future if i decide I need to transition, he's said he loves my soul and always will. So I guess that settles that. Thank you all so much for your support. Guess I have to plan a wedding now.:eusa_danc
