The weirdest getting over someone...Only this community will understand

Hi NotSureAboutMuch,

I personally think there is a lot of pressure in our society to find out who you are right away. To label and define yourself like a package for all to see. Things just aren't that way. They are confusing, they are messy, and they are lonely. The fact that you are having doubts means that there is something about yourself that doesn't feel right.

I think the honourable choice is not pursuing your relationship, even though that is an extremely hard thing to do since D and you were so close. But with the issues you are facing you are going to need to have time to do a lot of soul-searching before you come to terms with who you are and what you want. Only then can you make a good partner to somebody. Otherwise you will always confound yourself with doubts and confuse your loved one in the process.

The topic of loneliness itself could fill a book! And there are many of us here on EC going through the same thing. Holidays can be extremely rough as well, since they paint a perfect picture of cozy living (when we all know that it is an illusion.) You just have to hold tight. Loneliness tends to ebb and flow. So, I would encourage you to hang around these forums for a bit, do some reading, join in on threads that deal with similar issues. There is a lot you can learn and people you can connect to.

Remember change is not a bad thing in and of itself. It can be stressful, but it can lead to greater happiness than you can think of now. So don;t feel like your world is falling apart. Just try to learn as much about yourself as you can.

Sebby45

 

I'm so glad that my post was of help to you, and that you are opening up to others. It isn't healthy to shut down and isolate, even if you may feel like it sometimes. The letting go part gets easier with time, especially if you can connect with others. You can't change the world, but you change how you see yourself.

I'm proud of you for taking the step to move forward. :icon_bigg

Happy Holidays!

Sebby45

 

There are some relationships that work in surprising setups, but it is rare and rarely without strain. Sexuality, and gender roles we perform, that's not just something of a societal stereotype - for most people masculinity or femininity are what constitutes a significant part of attraction, sexual orientation is an obvious component of course. Being in love will not replace being with someone you are attracted to, and I'd date say love fades quickly and turns into guilt when one tries to defy one's own needs, both emotional (which are in the gender roles in a great way), and sexual. The former I stress a lot because a relationship dynamic is something a lot of people find jmportant, and women who entertain a non feminine role are a minority.

So perhaps what I'm trying to say is that you seem to have made a mature decision that is both good for you and the person you speak of. Hard thing to do, but as you said yourself... it's not going to be easy to find a relationship without being stable within your own mind. From such a pragmatic perspective, that might be a step in the right direction and I have my best wishes for you to succeed.

 

Hey Nsam,

I can relate a LOT to a lot of the feelings you're describing.
I have been in quite a few relations with straight women looking for straight guys ( surprisingly so, for someone who has as much anxiety as I have in a dominant male role, sexually)

First one it started in high school and ended after the first year of college, two years year long, another one at the end of college, half a year long, two more several months long and each time it was I who ended them, not because I didn't love them or because there would be someone else, (I have been faithful in all my relationships), but because I felt that something was off in regard to sexual attraction to them, so there was no future, I couldn't love them with all my heart, they way they wished and deserved to be loved. I felt that I was deceiving them because there were so many things i hadn't yet accepted about myself.


My most recent relationship was way different than those above.It was six years long and unlike the others I started it with with all my deepest secrets and toughts laid out in the open. Still, it just ended ... but not because i lost interest but because she was hiding something.

Since I really trully loved her, and i had pinned all my hopes and dreams of a family on this relationship, when it ended the pain was tremendous. I lost tracks of the days i spent crying my eyes out, and the times I thoughts about ending it all. Fortunately i am strong enough mentally and have studied enough psychology to see where these thought came from , and shooed them away. The emotional pain was not any less real though just because I understood the mechanics .

I did love her with all my heart but she ended the relationship in a very un-ellegant way ,after she realised that no matter how hard I would try, I can't be the alpha male she secretly wanted me to become, and that after all, what she wants is actually a straight Alpha male by her side, she simply cheated on me, and lied about it because it was comfortable having me as a safety net. And even later after I learned about it , and realized that i still loved her, when i tried to work this out, and patch things up, and to forgive, ultimately she told me that the problem was that i do not have for the the kind of desire that a man has towards a woman. Which was right, things were reversed i had towards her the kind of desire a woman has towards another man. or towards another woman. In my mind in many ways, all this time she had been been the man and I the woman. If this would have been also physically true I know without a shred of a doubt , i would have satisfied his widest sexual fantasies any time and in any way he would have desired it. I love to please. I wanted to cry out to her: " It is not fair! Don't ask of me to become something I am not, and to kill and supress what I am, under the thread that you'll leave me if i don't. You should have mentioned that this would be an issue from day one! I was honest with you, why weren't you honest with me ? You went into this with these secrets and expectances that you never told me about, and let me to bang my head agaist a wall about why you were growing more and more dissasfied with me as time goes by". And she sais " I thought you were just going through a phase, that you would ultimately outgrow".

Now you could say, six years and you didn't feel that ? You didn;t feel her dissatisfaction? Yes I did, but i didn't want to accept it on a conscious level, because my traditional wound are related to rejection and abandonment. I was trying to convince myself that I am omnipotent, that my love would enable me to can re mould myself though will power alone into an alpha male and we'll be happy. But gender issue don't work like that. you can't wish the gay or transgender mind away.

So all this time on the surface she said she loved who I was, and I bought it. Because she was is more manly and I was more girly we did seem to make a great fit. In the first two years she would constantly do things like grab my butt around the house, grab me by the waist, when we were alone at home. Generally acted towards me like boyfriends act towards their girlfriends. She loved wearing the proverbial pants in all aspects of our relationship except when we actually got to sex. sexually she always expected me to be a hetero guy. I felt comfortable enough around her to tell her honestly on occasions that on some night i just can't be "the guy" i don;t have the mental energy to do it, and she said she was okay, only to learn now many years later, after things went sour, that each of these times hurt her a lot, and in the end she was depressed as heck as well. That she only pretended to be strong and to like to be manly, but in fact she always wanted to be a woman to be protected, and had always hoped that i ultimately would switch over mentally and become permanently a dominating guy through and through in all aspects of my life.


So in the end she did this "act manly towards me" not because it was who she was and because she because she enjoyed it as i thought, but because it was an act meant to make me feel comfortable, and then she secretly had hoped that with the passing of time, under her influence i would change, and become more of a regular guy, and when it didn't happen it was a disappointment for her , and super painful for me, who thought I had finally made sense of my life.


The woman who I loved so much was very masculine in her actions and outlook on life, and I really thought we complemented each other. However she also was a bit controlling. I even gave up therapy when she asked me to do so (she thought somehow that my therapist was holding me back, but this was quite the opposite, without the support i had from my therapist, my shortcomings in the " being a male" area became even more apparent, so eventually, much to my despair, everything fell apart).


So what's the key take away. Before starting a relationship that has half a chance, learn to let go of anxiety and be open and honest about the true you and to love yourself. If possible, open up your partner's eyes about it too as time goes by. Don;t give up what you are just to try and please others, you'll end up hating yourself. Go in without expecting the other to be in a certain way, or do certain things. Go in with your heart full of wonder and love and genuine curiosity . Expecting stuff sets you up for massive disappointment when it does not happen.


In this direction, therapy helps.

A relationship, either with a guy or a gal, won't work if you cannot also love yourself. If you have internalised self loathing, that will poison the well of your love. With internalised self hate, you won't be able to give your partner the kind of healthy love that brings together a family, I've seen it first-hand when i started to hate myself for not being able to be enough of a man for my love, and it has caused me to take refuge in my work, because the disapproving looks i would get from her each evening were like daggers in my soul, when she realised that I wasn't getting more masculine, but quite the opposite. And this was stupid, i should have tried to take refuge in my work, and tried to impress her with gifts, we should have communicated more, by my self hate and her self hate prevented me us to do that.

So first, learn to accept what you feel, who you are, get to love what you are and then you will be able to be okay and natural in a relationship. It is a tough long road, but is worth taking . It is way better than suppressing what you feel just because it is uncomfortable because of the society norms around you.

Sorry , went of an a few wild tangents here, but I hope you get something good out of it

---------- Post added 30th Dec 2016 at 09:23 PM ----------

I was very emotional while writing the above, and the typos level is over 9000 .

How do I edit a previous post and correct the typos and grammar ? There' s no edit button. Feeling more than just a bit embarrassed

---------- Post added 30th Dec 2016 at 09:26 PM ----------

Hey Nsam,

I can relate a LOT to a lot of the feelings you're describing.
I have been in quite a few relations with straight women looking for straight guys ( surprisingly so, for someone who has as much anxiety as I have in a dominant male role, sexually)

First one it started in high school and ended after the first year of college, two years year long, another one at the end of college, half a year long, two more several months long and each time it was I who ended them, not because I didn't love them or because there would be someone else, (I have been faithful in all my relationships), but because I felt that something was off in regard to sexual attraction to them, so there was no future, I couldn't love them with all my heart, they way they wished and deserved to be loved. I felt that I was deceiving them because there were so many things i hadn't yet accepted about myself.


My most recent relationship was way different than those above.It was six years long and unlike the others I started it with with all my deepest secrets and toughts laid out in the open. Still, it just ended ... but not because i lost interest but because she was hiding something.

Since I really trully loved her, and i had pinned all my hopes and dreams of a family on this relationship, when it ended the pain was tremendous. I lost tracks of the days i spent crying my eyes out, and the times I thoughts about ending it all. Fortunately i am strong enough mentally and have studied enough psychology to see where these thought came from , and shooed them away. The emotional pain was not any less real though just because I understood the mechanics .

I did love her with all my heart but she ended the relationship in a very un-ellegant way ,after she realised that no matter how hard I would try, I can't be the alpha male she secretly wanted me to become, and that after all, what she wants is actually a straight Alpha male by her side, she simply cheated on me, and lied about it because it was comfortable having me as a safety net. And even later after I learned about it , and realized that i still loved her, when i tried to work this out, and patch things up, and to forgive, ultimately she told me that the problem was that i do not have for the the kind of desire that a man has towards a woman. Which was right, things were reversed i had towards her the kind of desire a woman has towards another man. or towards another woman. In my mind in many ways, all this time she had been been the man and I the woman. If this would have been also physically true I know without a shred of a doubt , i would have satisfied his widest sexual fantasies any time and in any way he would have desired it. I love to please. I wanted to cry out to her: " It is not fair! Don't ask of me to become something I am not, and to kill and supress what I am, under the thread that you'll leave me if i don't. You should have mentioned that this would be an issue from day one! I was honest with you, why weren't you honest with me ? You went into this with these secrets and expectances that you never told me about, and let me to bang my head agaist a wall about why you were growing more and more dissasfied with me as time goes by". And she sais " I thought you were just going through a phase, that you would ultimately outgrow".

Now you could say, six years and you didn't feel that ? You didn;t feel her dissatisfaction? Yes I did, but i didn't want to accept it on a conscious level, because my traditional wound are related to rejection and abandonment. I was trying to convince myself that I am omnipotent, that my love would enable me to can re mould myself though will power alone into an alpha male and we'll be happy. But gender issue don't work like that. you can't wish the gay or transgender mind away.

So all this time on the surface she said she loved who I was, and I bought it. Because she was is more manly and I was more girly we did seem to make a great fit. In the first two years she would constantly do things like grab my butt around the house, grab me by the waist, when we were alone at home. Generally acted towards me like boyfriends act towards their girlfriends. She loved wearing the proverbial pants in all aspects of our relationship except when we actually got to sex. sexually she always expected me to be a hetero guy. I felt comfortable enough around her to tell her honestly on occasions that on some night i just can't be "the guy" i don;t have the mental energy to do it, and she said she was okay, only to learn now many years later, after things went sour, that each of these times hurt her a lot, and in the end she was depressed as heck as well. That she only pretended to be strong and to like to be manly, but in fact she always wanted to be a woman to be protected, and had always hoped that i ultimately would switch over mentally and become permanently a dominating guy through and through in all aspects of my life.


So in the end she did this "act manly towards me" not because it was who she was and because she because she enjoyed it as i thought, but because it was an act meant to make me feel comfortable, and then she secretly had hoped that with the passing of time, under her influence i would change, and become more of a regular guy, and when it didn't happen it was a disappointment for her , and super painful for me, who thought I had finally made sense of my life.


The woman who I loved so much was very masculine in her actions and outlook on life, and I really thought we complemented each other. However she also was a bit controlling. I even gave up therapy when she asked me to do so (she thought somehow that my therapist was holding me back, but this was quite the opposite, without the support i had from my therapist, my shortcomings in the " being a male" area became even more apparent, so eventually, much to my despair, everything fell apart).


So what's the key take away. Before starting a relationship that has half a chance, learn to let go of anxiety and be open and honest about the true you and to love yourself. If possible, open up your partner's eyes about it too as time goes by. Don;t give up what you are just to try and please others, you'll end up hating yourself. Go in without expecting the other to be in a certain way, or do certain things. Go in with your heart full of wonder and love and genuine curiosity . Expecting stuff sets you up for massive disappointment when it does not happen.


In this direction, therapy helps.

A relationship, either with a guy or a gal, won't work if you cannot also love yourself. If you have internalised self loathing, that will poison the well of your love. With internalised self hate, you won't be able to give your partner the kind of healthy love that brings together a family, I've seen it first-hand when i started to hate myself for not being able to be enough of a man for my love, and it has caused me to take refuge in my work, because the disapproving looks i would get from her each evening were like daggers in my soul, when she realised that I wasn't getting more masculine, but quite the opposite. And this was stupid, i should have tried to take refuge in my work, and tried to impress her with gifts, we should have communicated more, by my self hate and her self hate prevented me us to do that.

So first, learn to accept what you feel, who you are, get to love what you are and then you will be able to be okay and natural in a relationship. It is a tough long road, but is worth taking . It is way better than suppressing what you feel just because it is uncomfortable because of the society norms around you.

Sorry , went of an a few wild tangents here, but I hope you get something good out of it

 

Did you really lose the person that you wanted to be ? Or is that the person that your parents wanted you to be, and that would ultimately be miserable in the long run?

No I don't think you have lost the fight. I resonate so much with what you are describing, and I think you've just put your foot down and started fighting for the real you, maybe for the first time in your life. And yes it can be effin' scary to stand on your own two feet as the real you, not as a you that conforms with what is expected.


It is important that to remember that what I communicate are my personal experiences and sometimes opinions and not absolute truths, but .... if you feel that much pain just after thee months imagine how hard would this have been if it had happened after a year? Or after three years? What if children were involved as well? How would have this affected your children ? It is difficult to see it as a positive development.

Honesty to yourself is the best policy, don't let anxiety lead you. Don't let this paralysing fear of loss be your guide, for it will lead you astray. Sharing time : After my former partner told me one year into our relationship that she can't continue be with me as a lover if I ever decide to transition to female, I went though 5 years of lying to myself that I can learn to be happy in this body and in a dominant male role, sexually. I did so out of anxiety of being alone. I've put my heart health at risk by self medicating with male performance enhancers, to be able to perform as i was "supposed to", not because I got a lot of enjoyment out of it, but because she expected me to and it was something she obviously desired of me, and because it would bring her pleasure so i tried my best to provide it. Again I did it for the sake of the relationship, out of fear that not doing it would result in me being abandoned and alone.

But the fact that the raw sexual energy was not there in the traditional gender scenario (even though romantic love was) did transpire after a while, and this also affected her self worth as well. Because she did love me back a LOT. Indirectly, in spite of all my sacrifices, I ended up hurting her. She took it as a personal failure in the end that in spite of her being warm and loving and understanding to me, I ultimately couldn't become the hetero man she wanted me to become. Even though i repeatedly told her not to blame herself because of that, that it was not her fault.

I was always faithful, worked hard to provide for us so we can have hobbies, I tried to be romantic in the male role as best as i could. when she asked me to stop seeing the therapist that i was seeing for trans issues, I did so immediately, even though i knew it was wrong. I did everything I was supposed to do and asked to do, except one thing i was not able to : act how a a cis gendered man acts towards his woman, sexually. In my eyes she has always been my husband, even though for the outside world I would be the one who would wear the male mask. But she was not happy to be my husband. she wanted to be my wife. So resentments started building up over this and that and all the little things became huge problems. I did not drive the car enough and would always let her drive, it became a huge problem. I wasn't the one planning our vacations, that became a problem as well. I know that if things would have been okay in the bedroom, we could have worked though everything else with a 5 minute talk. So yeah she did cheat on me in the end but I can't really blame her for it. I don't know if i can truly forgive her for lying to my face about it though. That hurt oh so bad, because I had placed her at the very centre on my universe, on a tall pedestal. And if the center of your universe emotionally wipes the floor with you by lying to your face, that hurts real real BAD . I have already forgave her for seeking something she desperately needed outside of our relationship, something that I simply could not provide. I am not sure I will completely be able to forgive the lie though.

To sum up. It may sound harsh but Men who love to use their penis can't pretend to enjoy sex when they actually don't... it is biological. Women and maybe also gay bottoms have that "luxury", but men who use their penis cannot be anything but bluntly honest in this regard because if the true desire to perform as a dominant penetrative male is not there, the erection tends not to be there either. And if things are not good in the bedroom, and if even one of the partners is unhappy with that (let alone both) , the relationship will always be fragile. Had our roles been reversed, if she would have been a he, and happy with me in a submissive bottom role, things would have been oh-so so easy and natural. And I know that is true because i spent so much time fantasising about how I could please my husband, and what clothes I would wear while doing it, and how i would act, and would even joke with her about what kind of BJ technique I would use if our roles were reversed.

Anyway. Too much text already and i'm going on wild tangents again . Hope this helps somehow .
(&&&)