I apologize for the depressing post I just really need to let this out. I have started to completely lose hope in ever getting to be myself. So many of the trans people I talk to say how supportive their families are with getting them new clothes and helping them get hormones and calling them by their preferred name and it makes me start to lose hope in my family. I couldn't even convince my parents to get me male deodorant. They tell me how supportive they are but it's been a few months and they have yet to look into a therapist. My mom told me that she doesn't think she will ever be able to call me by a different name or use male pronouns. I think of coming out at school in just over a week and it makes me think of how I can't leave for almost 3 years and I'm most likely to be completely myself at school then come home to be someone I'm not. My dad has expressed his views on hormones since before I came out saying how trans people should have to wait until they are an adult because you are to young to know for sure and I am terrified if he sticks to this because I won't be able to start transitioning until I'm in college. I just feel like this is all hopeless and I'm not making any progress is makes me so sad.
I'm sorry if it makes you feel any better, my parents are the same way. They typically pretend not to hear things they can't immediately understand easily / don't see as useful information that directly effects them / don't want to accept, and I don't just mean with trans issues or myself, I mean with anything. They like to sort of pick-and-choose the personality traits that I have, and call me fake for acting ways that they don't like, and only acknowledge and approve of traits that they like, or interests that I have, etc. Honestly sometimes I feel like the best bet is to just keep yourself distant to avoid being hurt, be polite and quiet, and eventually when you're able to make your own decisions, the only way they'll be able to accept it is if they don't have any other choice, because they can't turn their eyes away from accepting their own child if you're right in front of their faces the way you truly are / should be. Some people are stubborn and don't realize the damage they do... but it doesn't mean you're being uneccessary or outlandish, they are just choosing to put in little effort.
My parents are the same with like everything too. It's like I'm allowed to be the smart, old fashioned girl they want not the sarcastic, loud boy they have. They almost make it worse by saying the accept it and that they are proud of me for telling them but then they shut me down when I try to bring up any form of a transistion.
I've been where you are right now, and so have many of our brothers and sisters. While it may be cliché, I will say this because it is true: It gets better. When we are stuck, we get tunnel vision. So much pressure on every side collectively preventing you from being free. It is suffocating. And you start to feel the time tick by and it still seems you haven't moved. But that isn't necessarily true. Everything you've done so far, the way you live your day-to-day, is you moving forward. When I came out to my parents at 17, it was hell. I felt like I'd been stabbed in the back and that my transition wasn't going to happen. My depression came back in full force and I lost control. It is very painful to feel rejection or neglect from those we hold dearest. We are in similar circumstances, both being out-yet-not-out with parents... People "knowing" but not understanding. My advice to you is to work in what you can control, being cautious of thin ice with your parents. Maybe this means working out to build up a masculine physique or adjusting your mannerisms. Just do something to remind yourself that you are not giving up. Something that helps me gain perspective is to watch tranguys' YouTube channels. Here are some worth checking out: >ALionsFears >uppercaseCHASE1 >ElectricDade >therealalexbertie >jammiedodger >Benton >skylarkeleven If your parents are supportive, keep the lines of communication open with them. It is important they understand how important this is to you. They may come around; time will tell. Even if not, what is more important is that you don't give up. The T doesn't make you a man, you already are one. Love yourself, brother.
