its got to the point where i cant touch my chest without freaking out about the breasts there. im starting to shower at night which is dangerous/exhausting to wait until its dark enough to. i dont bind bcos i dont know how/dont have the equipment to and im considering top surgery as a major option. but bcos surgery has risks idk if i should bind before i go to do that. advice?
I bind safely. I took a really tight shirt and cut it in half, put the top half on and then put the bottom half over the boobs. Then I put a slip over it all to even it out. And wear loose clothing. Try not to think about it. I have frequent panic attacks because of it.
Top surgery is a major surgery that will cost a lot of money if you have it privately or will take years if you have it on the NHS. In addition, medical professionals may less willing to operate on you if you don't know what binding is like, because they may wonder how you can be sure you want a flat chest and whether you can cope with caring for your body after surgery (which involves wearing special bandages rather like binding). Top surgery isn't really a viable alternative to binding, for most people; it's what people get after months or years of binding often so that they don't have to bind in the future. There are some transmasculine people who never bind (cost, physical danger, social reasons, small chest, here's a video about it) but if you're looking at surgery, you should probably be looking at binding. If you don't bind, that's a valid choice and it doesn't invalidate your gender at all, but I would recommend trying it as a way to hopefully reduce dysphoria and prepare for the future. A good binder usually costs £30-£50 new; Underworks sells excellent ones for £33ish on Amazon UK and they will arrive in just a few days with standard shipping. If you're worried about having it shipped to your house, you can ship it to a friend or an Amazon Locker and then pick it up yourself. If you can't afford a binder, you can look online for giveaways (many people on Tumblr do randomly-selected giveaways; on the Reddit community /r/ftm there is a monthly thread with people giving or selling binders) or go to a meetup of FTM London where they have secondhand binders for free. However, none of these are guaranteed to have something in your size. All this and yet of course a binder doesn't help in the shower. Personally, because I bind some of the time I'm okay with my chest the rest of the time as long as I don't have to see it in a mirror while showering or changing. I can see how waiting to shower at night would help you. If touching your chest is the problem, then perhaps just don't touch your chest unless you really have to. That includes in the shower; unless there is a smear of mud on your sternum or something, simply having water run over your chest will clean it well enough that you don't need to touch it or soap it up. You might also be able to turn touching your chest into a more positive thing by writing or drawing on it with a pen (make sure the pen is the same colour as your clothes in case anything rubs off), or applying some temporary tattoos. Draw things you like, write words of encouragement, find some cool animals, cover yourself in gender symbols, whatever works for you. You can do this in your bedroom and just leave it as it is while showering. Pen marks won't do any harm by staying on your skin, and it might make it easier to look at yourself.
Buying a binder has been a psychological life saver. i have no idea how I coped before. I still cannot type the words for certain body parts. So I understand just how you feel. I am scared of surgery...its a major intervention on your body...but i know I am going to do at least my top; I would advise you try binding first though...just to relieve your mind. A little trick re showering and such: I wear a packer too. So I find that if I only take one off at a time I can cope. Do what makes you feel better. Feel better Ben
