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Realistic answers please: Full passing doable?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by anthracite, Jan 8, 2017.

  1. anthracite

    anthracite Guest

    What I mean by this is mostly because of the scars from top surgery and what it looks like in your pants. For the scars I could get tattoos over it. That's not too bad. But I'm worried.
    is there a noticable difference downstairs?

    This is basically the decision if I will ever have a partner.
     
  2. Kasey

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    1. Pretty sure you have the more effective of the hormone treatment.
    2. No one stares at a guys junk in day to day life unless they are in a speedo or something awkward is happening or their pants are wayyyy too tight. It's not the same where for mtf a giant bulge where there shouldn't be one is a huge red herring.
    3. If someone ever asks when you are topless just say something happened or whatever. A motorcycle accident and you fell chest first. That or most people don't care if a dude has scars, especially on his chest.

    I know how much these things play with your self identity. But this should be on the bottom of your list with passing to the random public.
     
  3. anthracite

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    Yes, the random public. But I'm paranoid. And hurt lovers are the worst enemies. I can't bear getting recognized and outed. Love can make you do stupid things, so I wanna know first what is right and not have to make the decision when I'm full of love chemistry.
     
  4. Rickystarr

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    Are you basically asking if you could ever be 100% stealth even to a significant other? That seems like a stretch to me personally. The rest of the world sure, but that's something you'll probably need to disclose with a partner.
     
  5. Kasey

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    Unless you transition pre puberty this is extraordinarily hard... so yea. Ricky is right.
     
  6. anthracite

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    Yes. But why does the partner have to know? I would sure say I can't have kids but why is the reason necessary?
     
  7. Rickystarr

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    I don't believe ftm bottom surgery is quite to the point where it would pass to someone who sees you up close and naked on a regular basis. Plus that would just be a crazy thing to hide from a spouse for decades. You'd have to lie about a lot of stuff.
     
  8. Kasey

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    Reality hurts but true.
     
  9. Sebby45

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    I think it would only be fair to the other party to let them know. I would hate to think that my significant other is hiding such a big secret from me. And what if they found out later once you've established a deep relationship? Just thinking from their perspective it might be hard to deal with and could break their trust in you.

    Just some thoughts...I know this is a touchy subject.
     
  10. WarmEmbrace

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    All my cards are on the table face up with anyone I am romantically interested in, before we get to the point of making love.
    Otherwise I feel to much guilt, and lack of trust to be able to go forward with.. anything.
     
  11. looking for me

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    because eventually you're going to be intimate with a partner, and when they see scars questions will be asked, honesty is very important if the relationship can grow.
     
  12. anthracite

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    So then I better stay away from relationships. At least until science has made progress.

    Hypothetically speaking:

    If they find out, it won't be from me. Most likely scenario is a shame campaign against me and everybody knows. In that case, my life is over anyway.

    And why does someone deserve to have a weapon so powerful it could destroy me?
    Where does this fairness thought come from? To a normal person it wouldn't matter anyway. And no I won't care about the feelings of transphobic scum. All hearts are broken. You break the wrong one, you're screwed.

    Yeah, it's a lot of lies. But I can't just be trans. Not for myself and not for what matters to me. Imagine the son of Stalin had gone to the USA and went into politics. No one would ever trust him. I don't want my loyality questioned. And I can't have my real gender questioned and neither do I want to end as an animal in the zoo you stare at.
     
  13. WarmEmbrace

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    The way you say that it sounds that you are about to to enlist in a very dangerous organisation:slight_smile: I don't even want to know who:slight_smile:

    On a more serious note, I had these fears too when I was younger. It is is quite normal and is why it took me so long to come to terms with it all.

    After you've went a bit through life, and have achieved some goals, went though some relationships and heartbreaks, at some point you'll realise that you need stop caring too much about what the world at large thinks, and will care more about what you think about you, and at most, what the people you care about think about you.

    Giving up the illusion of control is an important lesson. Yes at some point we open up to others, and we are vulnerable to them. Never doing that towards them, never trusting them with our most intimate secrets, means that we didn't really love them to begin with. Holding a secret that we fill guilty about will permeate our behaviour and make us act all weird :slight_smile:

    Is not your role here on earth to exist in a way so that it pleases everyone. You need to exist in a way that makes you happy, and to do things that enable you to grow as a person, and not lie to yourself about what makes you happy.

    Hope that helps is some way :slight_smile: .

    ---------- Post added 8th Jan 2017 at 11:58 PM ----------

    fill-feel :slight_smile:. I am so tired I do phonetic typos :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: . Time for me to go to sleep :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  14. anthracite

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    It's dangerous times, isn't it?

    I can't give up control. Never. It's probably a PTSD thing. That is the important lesson. No control makes very bad things happen...and I will not feel guilty for protecting myself.

    Maybe I'll stop caring so much.
    But then it's still the loyality question and being the source of entertainment.
    Part of my place here is that "dangerous organization" as you call it. I need them and they need me. There is no way I can give it up.
     
  15. AnAtypicalGuy

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    The way I see it is that if your significant other is truly right for you, they won't mind whether or not you're trans. In that situation, what exactly do you fear would happen?
     
  16. darkcomesoon

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    Top surgery is easy to get away with. If tattoos over the scars don't hide them, say you had gynecomastia. It's not that uncommon in cis guys, and their top surgery scars look a lot like ours. Bottom surgery is a bit harder. It's unlikely to look realistic enough to be completely passable, and a lie that would explain why you had to have surgery on your lower parts would be much more elaborate.
     
  17. anthracite

    anthracite Guest

    It doesn't last forever. And then there is information out there, that shouldn't.
     
  18. AnAtypicalGuy

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    Ultimately all relationships risk not lasting, for different reasons. If it's not for gender identity, it may be because of family, or bad habits, or general lack of chemistry. This is not to say that it's fair for people to leave us just because we're trans, but not being trans wouldn't guarantee us with an instant long-term relationship.

    Once again you've just got to find the right person. Just as there are people who hate on trans people for no reason, there are others out there who accept trans people. As for the information you mentioned, if you're worried that it may distort your SO's opinions on trans people then I suppose you've just got to try your best to show them that the info is false.
     
  19. anthracite

    anthracite Guest

    You mean being an activist? This is precisely what I don't want. I don't live to be a representation of LGBT or the one you ask what's in your pants. The personal idiot for morons too lazy to google their shit. I outright refuse to take responsibility. It is my life and this bloody shit will certainly not tell me my destiny.

    And no, it's not about a fear of my SO leaving me because of that. It is that I had trust, break up and it ends in a war of roses.

    All that would be left for me was to run and never return. It's my home that would be gone. My future and my dream. This is more important to me than love.
     
  20. AnAtypicalGuy

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    I wasn't referring to activists, I personally wouldn't want to be the living mascot for one either. By "accepting" people I simply meant people who don't reject transgender people: you don't need to be an activist to support them. Take me for example: I can assure you that I support gay/trans rights, but I'm no activist.

    If you're worried about betraying your SO's trust due to your gender, then i think it would be rather counterproductive to hide yourself from them. Coming out as trans will not be an act of betrayal, on the contrary it will be a sign that you trust them. It's fully possible for a trans person to come out to their SO and continue to live a happy life together: many people have done it after all.

    ---------- Post added 9th Jan 2017 at 08:26 AM ----------

    I just realised that I misread the first paragraph, and I now see what you were referring to by mentioning activists. For the record I didn't mean that you had to become one either. All you'd need to do is explain to your SO what things are misconceptions, and if they're right for you then they'll understand. You wouldn't need to tell everyone these things, just the people who matter to you, and only if it's necessary.