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Let my male half fully out for the first time with my husband

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Cailan, Jan 8, 2017.

  1. Cailan

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    This morning I did something that both thrilled and terrified me.

    I let my male half out and made love to my husband (MtF still identifying as a male, pre HRT) as a man loves a woman. I thought about doing this in the past but never had the courage. It was nothing short of amazing. At first I thought I would have to role-play it, I began as a "what if" and as a gift for my husband to know what it is like to be made love to as a woman. But it only took a few moments, and my male half fully came out and Oh. My. Gawd. It was so damn natural and right.

    I had dual thoughts of desperately wanting to actually fuck him physically, me with a dick and him with a vagina, but also got an absolute "NO" from my female half. My two halves wanted to strangle each other.
     
  2. Mihael

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    What is it like for you that you have those halves conflicted? You want, genuinely want from the depth of your heart e.g. to make love two different ways in the same moment? Or do you think that you shoudn't be doing it the male way and that's what you call "the female half"? What exactly is thet "no" about? Why not?

    Have you thought of removing the divide in you and letting it all mix freely? that would resolve the conflict you're experiencing and you wrote over the previous days. Sometimes it's tricky, and it was tricky for me, but it's doable.

    (Btw, if your spouse if MtF, doesn't she identify as a woman then?)

    ---------- Post added 8th Jan 2017 at 10:40 AM ----------

    *wrote about
     
  3. Cailan

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    What I want from the depth of my heart is indeed both at the same time. As a female I'm entirely satisfied with sex as it is. As a male I am dissatisfied because something absolutely missing from the physical act. I want to penetrate - an be penetrated. It's often painful, knowing I can't have both. And the "no" is that while I do want to have male parts, I absolutely do not want to give up what I have. If I could switch back and forth I might be happy, to experience one then the other, go back and forth, as my needs at the time dictate.

    In my fantasies I experience both the male and the female pleasure at the same time. I'm both characters in a fantasy couple.

    Blending the two isn't going to happen. They've been there and fighting each other since late puberty. They're intertwined in making the person that together is me, but each has distinct wants and needs that cannot both be made happy at the same time. My uber-female half wants to wear nothing but princess dresses and sparkles, my male half wants to be in shorts and t-shirts all the time. Neither half is happy with my mid-range choice to wear female style clothes in neutral colors. I can't stand long pants from either side (unrelated sensory issues), so it's either skirts or shorts, depending on the social situation I'm in.

    As I said my first post, my husband still identifies as male (18 years after he came out to me as transgender), and we have an understanding that I will probably always see him as male first even if he ever completely transitions. This is OUR relationship dynamic, and while it may not work for others, it works for us. Today was the first time I acknowledged the woman he feels he is inside.
     
  4. Mihael

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    Hm, no good :/ I have no other ideas. I dunno. But I wish you good luck on your way.
     
  5. Cailan

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    Today I had an epiphany. Kilts! I've been obsessed with kilts for years, and I just realized a kilt could take care of my dual masculine and feminine needs. Which is probably why I have been obsessed with them for so long. Also a kilt could allow me to dress male but not cause problems with my sensory issues that keep me from wearing long pants of any kind.
     
  6. Kye

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    Just a thought, but have you ever considered buying and using a strap-on?
    I know it's not exactly the same, but it's the closest possible way to experience what you want to without undergoing surgery :slight_smile:
     
  7. Cailan

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    Tried it. It's not, ah satisfying.