It's my birthday today! ^-^ I finally turn 18, it only took almost two decades. I wanna feel super happy and have fun, because it's my birthday, but it doesn't feel right. It snowed, so that's good. I got to enjoy some snowing, I really like snow and watching it snow. But it feels grey and gloomy, and my family is very unenthusiastic about it. They're all just, like, down about it. Like, they're unhappy lately, but today seems worse than before. They're all gloomy, moody, and just like "Yeah, okay. Whatever." I don't want to make a big deal out of my birthday, because I know birthdays don't matter anymore when you get older, but I don't understand why everyone's so glum and kinda brush-offy. And last night my mom came in to say goodnight to me and I started talking to her about things I want to do with my room, and she out of nowhere just snapped and started screaming at me about college, saying that she never saw me doing anything and accusing me of not doing what I need to do for college, and I simply argued back and refuted. But she kept bouncing around to different topics (all college, but different stuff to do with college). One minute she was screaming about my SATs, and the next how she didn't want me going to California. The topics she covered are: too far away, can't see me, my grades/ attendance/ performance wasn't good enough, I can't survive on my own, I would be out of reach (where she can't "get in a car and come see me or help me), too much money (which my school teaches us that student loans are an inevitability and are virtually unavoidable) and she didn't want me to have loans at all, she couldn't handle the idea of me being away, she doesn't think film is a viable study or career, and so on. The bottom line is though, as from how she spoke, it's not the school or the money that's the problem, it's the "birds leaving the nest" thing and she doesn't want to let me or my sister go. Both my parents are starting to act this way, it's blatantly obvious. They want us home forever, but that's not possible to me. They would never hear it, but how they've treated me can't be undone. And I know I'm going to lose the bulk of my family and friends once I graduate, go away to school, and start transitioning. I probably won't see even my parents again. It's depressing as all heck. I feel that these next few months , and years, are going to be very rough. I want to cry. All I wanted was a fun and happy weekend, but all I got was a boring depressing one. I just want to curl up in a ball, and cuddle something. Thankfully I have a million pillows. I'm sad, on my birthday, it's horrible and bad, but I have nothing to do about it. Everything is going downhill, and I'm going with it.
