Empty Closets Coming Out Resources and a Safe Place to Chat
Welcome Forum Chat Room Resources News Members

Go Back   Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender people coming out > Support Area > Gender Identity and Expression

Gender Identity and Expression A forum for support and advice about figuring out and expressing your gender identity. If you have concerns about coming out, please use the Coming Out Advice forum.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 11th Jan 2017, 04:23 AM   #1
EC Addict
Full Member
 
Rickystarr's Avatar
 
Gender: Male (trans*)
Orientation: Straight
Out Status: Just need to finish coming out at work
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 1,017
Join Date: May 2016


Changing last name for marriage

My fiancee has a very unique last name and mine is fairly common. She does not want to lose her last name and both of us have a romantic notion of sharing a last name with each other and any future children. The thing is, I've always imagined my wife would take my last name, even before I identified as male (though I'm sure it's related). I don't really care about keeping my last name or any connection to family so I realize how dumb and selfish it is, but I just feel really emasculated by the thought. (And it might even benefit me to change my last name tbh in case I ever plan to go deep stealth in the future.) I would be open to hypenation, but her last name is so long I feel it would be very inconvenient. Her last name is four syllables and twelve letters long. Our last name would be **********-*****. It wouldn't fit on a lot of forms. It is like one letter too long to even make that my last name on the Sims. It seems petty, but I'm quite bothered by it. Would I have to refer to my old name as my "maiden name" on legal forms? The thought horrifies me.

How would you trans guys feel about this? Any input is great though.
__________________
No, this is Patrick!

--
Patrick Alan
Rickystarr is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th Jan 2017, 04:39 AM   #2
A piece of emo trash
Regular Member
 
CROSSY ROAD's Avatar
 

Gender: Trans FTM
Orientation: Gray-asexual Panromantic, baby! *non-sexual wink*
Out Status: Closet? Burned it down and danced on its ashes!
Location: On the Internet, fam
Age: 16
Posts: 373
Join Date: Dec 2016


Re: Changing last name for marriage

Well, I plan on changing my name, and since I am the male, traditionally the female takes the male name. But I would talk with her and choose a name, together. It is a special thing to share a name.
__________________
CROSSY ROAD !
"A kitchen sink to you, is not a kitchen sink to me, okay, friend?"
-transgender gray-asexual panromantic, he/him pronouns-
CROSSY ROAD is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th Jan 2017, 05:49 AM   #3
EC Addict
Full Member
 
SiKiHe's Avatar
 

Gender: Not-a-girl
Orientation: Bisexual
Out Status: Bi: Everyone Trans*: Fiance, and a few friends
Location: Midwest
Age: 23
Posts: 345
Join Date: Dec 2016


Re: Changing last name for marriage

I had also planned to give my name rather than take one, until I fell in love with a man. We haven't really discussed it much but since I don't plan to come out anytime soon to family, we'll be having a "traditional heterosexual" wedding. And I just sort of settled into the idea that I'll be taking his name. His name is also the more simple of us, I have the strange last name. So it's really all out of convenience.
I've also heard of cis guys taking their wife's name for numerous reasons, even simple ones like the one you gave. Idk if it would be called a maiden name though. Maybe you could call it you pre-marriage name.
__________________
-Jack-
"We can start and finish wars. We're what killed the dinosaurs. We're the asteroid that's overdue."
SiKiHe is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th Jan 2017, 07:24 AM   #4
Princess of Insanity.
Full Member
 
clustergazelle's Avatar
 

Gender: Female (trans*)
Orientation: Bisexual-ish Lesbian
Out Status: A few friends
Location: Pennsylvania
Age: 30
Posts: 1,934
Join Date: Apr 2016


Re: Changing last name for marriage

I always preferred the idea of changing my name when I get married. It's not very common, but not entirely unheard of for the man to take the woman's name. Look at Jack White.
__________________
Even the man in the moon disappeared
Somewhere in the stratosphere

Brooke Victoria Lexa
She/Her
clustergazelle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th Jan 2017, 07:31 AM   #5
Gamer Gal
Full Member
 
Akari Enderwolf's Avatar
 

Gender: Female (trans*)
Orientation: Panromantic, Demisexual
Out Status: friends and family, everywhere online.
Location: Michigan
Posts: 288
Join Date: Sep 2015


Re: Changing last name for marriage

I looked this up on google(male version maiden name), one result had someone saying you could call it the "bachelor name"

I haven't really thought about if I will be willing to give up my last name when I get married, that's a conversation for later for me though, when I have a fiance to discuss it with.
__________________
Symphogear and Digimon are my favorite Anime.

Akari/Zoe
She/Her/Hers
Akari Enderwolf is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th Jan 2017, 07:33 AM   #6
EC Addict
Full Member
 
SiKiHe's Avatar
 

Gender: Not-a-girl
Orientation: Bisexual
Out Status: Bi: Everyone Trans*: Fiance, and a few friends
Location: Midwest
Age: 23
Posts: 345
Join Date: Dec 2016


Re: Changing last name for marriage

Bachelor name...I like that. I might go with that for myself
__________________
-Jack-
"We can start and finish wars. We're what killed the dinosaurs. We're the asteroid that's overdue."
SiKiHe is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th Jan 2017, 10:12 AM   #7
Nerd
Full Member
 
darkcomesoon's Avatar
 
Gender: Male (trans)
Orientation: Bisexual
Out Status: Most people
Location: New Jersey
Age: 20
Posts: 1,398
Join Date: May 2014


Re: Changing last name for marriage

The idea that women have to take the man's name is ridiculous, heteronormative, and based on the assumption that the man has to be the dominant, in-charge, head of the household, while the woman submits to him, adapts her life to his, etc., which is a misogynistic belief. There's nothing inherently masculine about having someone else take your last name.

People change their names for all sorts of reasons, so there's no need to refer to it as a maiden name. It'll probably just be called a "previous name", or something along those lines. There are very few situations in which someone actually needs to know why you changed your last name. They just need to know that you were previously known by a different name.
__________________
"There is a thin semantic line separating weird and beautiful. And that line is covered in jellyfish." - Cecil Baldwin, Welcome to Night Vale

Jesse/Alex, he/him pronouns

Last edited by darkcomesoon; 11th Jan 2017 at 10:12 AM..
darkcomesoon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th Jan 2017, 11:36 AM   #8
EC Addict
Full Member
Threadstarter
 
Rickystarr's Avatar
 
Gender: Male (trans*)
Orientation: Straight
Out Status: Just need to finish coming out at work
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 1,017
Join Date: May 2016


Re: Changing last name for marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by darkcomesoon View Post
The idea that women have to take the man's name is ridiculous, heteronormative, and based on the assumption that the man has to be the dominant, in-charge, head of the household, while the woman submits to him, adapts her life to his, etc., which is a misogynistic belief. There's nothing inherently masculine about having someone else take your last name.

People change their names for all sorts of reasons, so there's no need to refer to it as a maiden name. It'll probably just be called a "previous name", or something along those lines. There are very few situations in which someone actually needs to know why you changed your last name. They just need to know that you were previously known by a different name.
Hey, I personally totally agree with you. If that wasn't the norm I would have no problem with taking her last name. I think if I was cis it would be a non issue for me and I might even think it was kinda funny. Maybe once I can pass consistently and feel more confident in my manhood I will get over this hang up. I hope so.

Also, I didn't realize Jack White took his wife's last name
__________________
No, this is Patrick!

--
Patrick Alan
Rickystarr is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th Jan 2017, 11:57 AM   #9
Princess of Insanity.
Full Member
 
clustergazelle's Avatar
 

Gender: Female (trans*)
Orientation: Bisexual-ish Lesbian
Out Status: A few friends
Location: Pennsylvania
Age: 30
Posts: 1,934
Join Date: Apr 2016


Re: Changing last name for marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rickystarr View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by darkcomesoon View Post
The idea that women have to take the man's name is ridiculous, heteronormative, and based on the assumption that the man has to be the dominant, in-charge, head of the household, while the woman submits to him, adapts her life to his, etc., which is a misogynistic belief. There's nothing inherently masculine about having someone else take your last name.

People change their names for all sorts of reasons, so there's no need to refer to it as a maiden name. It'll probably just be called a "previous name", or something along those lines. There are very few situations in which someone actually needs to know why you changed your last name. They just need to know that you were previously known by a different name.
Hey, I personally totally agree with you. If that wasn't the norm I would have no problem with taking her last name. I think if I was cis it would be a non issue for me and I might even think it was kinda funny. Maybe once I can pass consistently and feel more confident in my manhood I will get over this hang up. I hope so.

Also, I didn't realize Jack White took his wife's last name
Yes. White was Meg's name, I was surprised myself when I heard it.
__________________
Even the man in the moon disappeared
Somewhere in the stratosphere

Brooke Victoria Lexa
She/Her
clustergazelle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th Jan 2017, 12:23 PM   #10
EC Addict
Full Member
Threadstarter
 
Rickystarr's Avatar
 
Gender: Male (trans*)
Orientation: Straight
Out Status: Just need to finish coming out at work
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 1,017
Join Date: May 2016


Re: Changing last name for marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by clustergazelle View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rickystarr View Post

Hey, I personally totally agree with you. If that wasn't the norm I would have no problem with taking her last name. I think if I was cis it would be a non issue for me and I might even think it was kinda funny. Maybe once I can pass consistently and feel more confident in my manhood I will get over this hang up. I hope so.

Also, I didn't realize Jack White took his wife's last name
Yes. White was Meg's name, I was surprised myself when I heard it.
That's pretty cool!
__________________
No, this is Patrick!

--
Patrick Alan
Rickystarr is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th Jan 2017, 12:27 PM   #11
'm still trying
Regular Member
 
oh my god I's Avatar
 

Gender: girl (AMAB)
Orientation: straight
Out Status: out to a few, stealth to everyone else
Location: US
Posts: 284
Join Date: Sep 2013


Re: Changing last name for marriage

Sounds like you really don't want to take the name? Why not compromise and just have different last names?

Romance is great but this is a practical decision. Keep it practical. It's your forms you have to fill out forever and your story you have to tell people.
oh my god I is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th Jan 2017, 12:59 PM   #12
Shut in Otaku
Full Member
 
Sebby45's Avatar
 
Gender: Me.
Orientation: Wrap your head around Bi-Asexual.
Out Status: I have a comfy closet. Two people hold the key.
Location: Frozen Wasteland
Age: 27
Posts: 407
Join Date: Apr 2015


Re: Changing last name for marriage

Personally, I always thought of keeping my last name if I ever was in that situation. To me, it is part of my identity, and I don't want that to change. Might sound strange, or selfish, but it always bothered me that there was an expectation to change.

Ok, that probably sounded totally unromantic. It is just the way I always felt about it. No right or wrong here. It is all up to you and your partner.

Sebby45
__________________
http://emptyclosets.com/forum/signaturepics/sigpic60293_1.gif
Use your brain and eat cake.
Sebby45 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th Jan 2017, 01:13 PM   #13
EC Addict
Full Member
 
SiKiHe's Avatar
 

Gender: Not-a-girl
Orientation: Bisexual
Out Status: Bi: Everyone Trans*: Fiance, and a few friends
Location: Midwest
Age: 23
Posts: 345
Join Date: Dec 2016


Re: Changing last name for marriage

I think that's really what it boils down to. What you and your partner decide on. hyphen names, no name change, or one taking the others. No matter which way it's a personal choice everyone will likely feel different about.
__________________
-Jack-
"We can start and finish wars. We're what killed the dinosaurs. We're the asteroid that's overdue."
SiKiHe is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th Jan 2017, 05:15 PM   #14
Well Known
Full Member
 
Cailan's Avatar
 

Gender: Bi-gender (afab)
Orientation: Female side is straight, male side is bisexual
Out Status: Only to close family
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 200
Join Date: Jan 2017


Re: Changing last name for marriage

Queen Elizabeth's husband, Prince Phillip, took her last name, Windsor, because that's how royals do it. Maybe you can pretend you're royals, and she's the queen.
Cailan is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Marriage and Name Changing Motto Chit Chat 40 15th Dec 2013 05:36 AM
The dreaded changing room! (school) Maea96 General Support and Advice 4 10th Sep 2013 03:37 PM
Changing my name... Anonymous Anonymous Support and Advice 4 6th Jun 2012 06:03 PM
I am changing (on the inside) British Lad Chit Chat 5 13th May 2010 02:22 PM
Changing Avatar Micah Chit Chat 13 9th Jul 2007 08:59 PM


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:34 AM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0
Copyright (c) 2004-2015, Empty Closets Community Services
The Empty Closets name and logo are registered trademarks of Empty Closets Community Services

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21