Happy and Terrified

Okay, so a day full of little and big victories after a week of crippling depression and dysphoria due to *cough* so much blood *cough*.

I went to the mall today and separated from my mother and sister to go off and do my own thing, which basically meant slipping into a changing room as soon as humanly possible to put on the awkward homemade binder I had stashed discretely on my person. Then I walked around the mall free and happy in the most masculine clothes I own. Baggy cargo pants and a camo hoddie, which concealed my curves really well.

I then spent 2 hours purchasing cheap men's clothing, since all of it was on sale, and trying on some nicer stuff that I could never afford, feeling all around awesome. I then went to the sports bra section in the sporting goods store and found the smallest compression bra which worked so much better than my shit, stitched together, used-to-be-gym-pants binder.

Then got my hair cut to something a bit more masculine. Had one severely dysphoria inducing conversation about gynecology with my family and hair dresser during which I turned away and cried.

Got home, tried on all my new clothes, felt SO FUCKING GOOD. LIKE I WAS FREE. SMILING UNCONTROLLABLY. TOOK SO MANY SELFIES.
I NEVER TAKE SELFIES.

And then I was talking with my younger sister and brother, who I'm close with. My sister is pretty perceptive and had sensed something was off with me. She said something along the lines of "let me try and guess your BAGGAGE" and I was all MKAY TRY.
AND THEN SHE ASKED IF I WAS TRANSGENDER AND I WAS LIKE
OH FUCK.
SHE KNOWS. AAAAAHHHHHHHHH
so then I came out to my brother and sister, basically told them all the shit and stuff I'd been going through and my sister was all "YEAH I SUSPECTED THAT"
She said she noticed how I had always felt uncomfortable being called a woman, being in girls clothes, ect... It felt really validating that someone else noticed and had suspicions, like this isn't just a thing in my head, like I'm not just making it up out of some delusion or desire for attention.
I told her I was 85% sure and she said she was surprised that I was only that sure.
She told that she'd never really thought of me as a girl because I'd never acted like one. That for her this was neither a surprise nor that big of a change. I was always a guy.
My brother just seemed to think of it as no big deal, cracked a couple jokes and refereed to me as a guy a couple times, although I told them female pronouns would be ok for the time being (although hearing them call me she was kinda dysphoria inducing, it wasn't that bad and I'm still so far from accepting myself that it would have been a little strange being called he just yet).

But after the high of the day was over the only thing left in me was a sense of abject dread and encroaching doom. Like oh fuck, Im not cis. I really want to be cis. But I'm not, and I'm going to have to deal with this.
I don't want to have to tell my mother, I know she would love and accept me but it's a big change and I don't want to see her cry.
I'm terrified.
So terrified.
I can tell that a long and painful period of transition in my life is coming and I'm so fucking scared. I don't know what to do and I'm freaking out. I can't deal with this. I don't know how. I don't want to have to go through this, but I know I need to, that eventually I will be a happier person.

I want to scream.