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Family, life, and I just can't take it anymore.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Natasha Elyssa, Jan 16, 2017.

  1. Natasha Elyssa

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 7, 2015
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    Location:
    New York
    Here's the dilemma, my parents ( and my family as a whole) are the ones I feel are holding me back. I'm not on good terms with my parents, and my relationship with my extended family is practically nonexistent and very awkward. And me and my sister are known for getting into arguments all the time. My parents and my sister tend to overreact and the three of them don't get along well. But I still have to be nice to them. I still need to go and say goodnight to my parents and sister every night. I still feel I need to hug them every chance I get, and I like to talk with a bit of a baby voice all the time because it makes me feel happy and adorable. And at parties, I'm quite but I still feel inclined to be nice to them. Now I'm starting to feel like I'm betraying my family by wanting to make a new life for myself. I want to move on and forget my past, but I can't just ditch my family. I feel bad about this, especially since I know they'll talk about me and gossip and wonder where I am. And most of them will probably disown me and talk bad about me if and when they find out I'm Trans and I have the full intention to transition. I also feel stupider, like my writing is slipping and my speech and memory are going down the drain. I have trouble talking sometimes lately and I will completely forget what I'm talking about while I'm saying it. I feel dumb, like I'm going backwards like my dad would say. I feel more emotional, more lonely, more depressed, more anxious, more uncomfortable, more uncontrollable, more awkward, and everything. I feel like things are getting harder while in reality they should be getting easier. The first night I'm by myself in college, I'm probably going to bawl my eyes out. I can't handle basic things, the stress is killing me. I feel like I'm going to break. I feel like I need someone to cuddle me, comfort me, and tell me it's going to be alright. I need someone to hear me talk and cry and not try to argue with me about it. I need a human teddy bear. I feel like I'm betraying and losing my family, I feel like I'm breaking apart and I'm losing my mind, I feel like I need someone to comfort me. I have no friends who I trust enough to even talk about this stuff with or cuddle with. I need to maintain an image, a fake manly image I created just so I wouldn't get bullied or picked on or have people spread gossip and rumors about me. I'm like Spock and Obi Wan Kanobi had a child who's a recluse. I'm quite, I'm loud when I'm open in a group, but I want to just to feel safe and secure and not like an alien wearing a disguise. I want to feel that sense of security. I want to be happy. More and more everyday I feel like I'm declining. I want to be cuddly and cute, not loud and too serious for my own good. I'm like a grown up child now, and I don't know what to do. I've got pains in my chest, I've got pains in my mind, I have pains when I have to look in the mirror. I feel horrible when I encounter meanness and harsh things in the world. I can't help but feel like I need to curl up in a ball and hide myself in a corner. I feel like complete isolation is the only thing that I can do. I don't wanna live life this way. With my mind, family, and environment tearing me apart. I just can't take it. I'm losing my mind and my sanity. I just want to be comfortable and safe. I just want to cuddle and cry. Why do I have to live this way? Why do I have to exist? What's going to happen to me? I can't do anything. I feel like my life sucks and I just can't stand to live with it anymore. And what help could I get for this? Even if I had help I'd still have trouble being honest and opening up about things. I'm a broken human being. I feel like life has no purpose. I feel unhappy and feel that I always will be unhappy because it's impossible for me to feel happy. I'm falling apart and I just can't take it anymore. The stress, the loneliness, the anxiety, the depression, the forced suppression, society, my environment, I just can't take it anymore. I can't. It's horrible, it's inhospitable. It's a horrible terrible thing. I can't stand life anymore. Everything is wrong, everything is bad, I'm slipping, I'm not doing a good job, I'm not doing things right, my parents are hurting me, the whole world is hurting me, and I just can't stand the pain. I just can't do it anymore. I can't. I can't stand everyday I have to do something stupid just to have a chance at surviving later in life or getting out of this desolate track. I want to be free, to go and be happy and pleased. I'm so disappointed by my life. I'm so disgusted by my life. I can't stand looking in the mirror. I'm tired. I just can't handle it anymore. I'm broken, the person I once was is gone. Why does everyone still act like that person still exists? I'm freaking Natasha, and I don't like life the way it is. I can't stand it, I can't tolerate it, and I won't be able to put up with it much longer. I'm going nuts. I just can't take it anymore...