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Could I Be Trans???

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by rebelAssassin, Jan 17, 2017.

  1. rebelAssassin

    Regular Member

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    When I joined this site back in December, I had been questioning my gender for several months (since like June) and I thought I'd found the answer. I picked up the label 'genderfluid.' I thought it was for me. Now, I'm questioning myself. Again.

    Lately, I've begun to realize just how uncomfortable I am with my body. I hate wearing most of my clothes (they're all styled for females) and I put off showering as long as possible because I hate looking at myself in the mirror. Just writing about it is making me want to puke. I've taken to wearing a leather jacket (originally intended for Dean Winchester cosplay) because it hides me figure. I hate my boobs with a passion, hate bras and everything related to them, and only feel even remotely comfortable in my own skin when I'm wearing a high-impact sports bra. (the closest I can currently get to a binder) And don't even get me started on that 'time of the month' crap. I am so done.

    The saddest thing is, I didn't even realize that this wasn't normal until about 2 weeks ago. Thinking about it, I've been this way since I was maybe 8. The first time I learned what would happen to my body, I was appalled. I always ran around shirtless as a child, and assumed that I would be flat-chested forever. I thought I would grow up to be like my male friends, ogling over girls and playing football. I never knew that most girls wanted dolls and makeup, or wanted to play dress up. I was always out in the forest, pretending sticks were swords and trees were monsters that had stolen the princess. I wasn't normal, but I never knew, until a few weeks ago. I was lurking in the forums, as I do, when I saw someone in the GIE forum with a thread called You Know You're Trans When... I clicked on the thread and was astonished. Not by what everyone was posting, but by how much I related to most of it. I posted a thread about my confusion in the General Support and Advice forum, and that's the first time someone applied the term 'gender dysphoria' to me.

    I didn't know what to think. I was completely shell-shocked, because I had always heard that dysphoria was an extreme reaction, as in anxiety and/or panic attacks when the thought of gender came up. The people I was talking to explained that reactions aren't always that bad, and that my extreme discomfort toward being called female and having a feminine body and appearance could definitely be dysphoria. I did some research on it, and... I think they might have been right.

    I have no idea what to do. I'm terrified that I might be trans. I could somewhat handle being labelled 'genderfluid' because I still counted as a girl sometimes. Now that I stop and think about it, though, I wonder. Most of the time anymore, I identify as he/him. (and occasionally they/them) I hate my birth name. I'm beginning to think that maybe I just labelled myself as genderfluid because I occasionally want to dress feminine: dress, high heels, the works. However, when I try I become so disgusted by my appearance that I end up back in jeans and a baggy t-shirt. I realize that liking this things doesn't mean I have to be a girl, that it's just gender roles, but it's hard to break those habits.

    Does anyone have any advice to offer? I know I'm the only one that can say for certain if I am transgender, but I feel like I'm all alone. Has anyone else had this sort of a shock? What did you do? I need help, desparately. I feel like I'm drowning in confusion and helplessness. Does anyone know if EC has someone certified to help with these sorts of things? A therapist or psychiatrist or something? I can't seek counseling for this elsewhere, (my family would more than likely disown me) and I feel like a professional could help me. :help::help::help:
     
  2. anthracite

    anthracite Guest

    You should seek a gender therapist. But when dressing feminine: How does it feel? Is it you? Or is it a role you play? I tried to be a girl too. It appeared as if I was but I was uncomfortable. How is it in your case?
     
  3. Aberrance

    Full Member

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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
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    Out to everyone
    With how much discomfort you feel for your body I'd assume you were trans. I'd just think about how you see yourself in 5 years time. How you want others to see you. Like anthracite said, when you wear the feminine clothes do they feel like you or like dress up? I always used to feel like I was in drag in 'feminine' clothing. Even then clothing doesn't determine whether or not you're trans. If you can get to a counselor or gender specialist then I'd recommend it but a lot of us question and start transitioning by ourselves so you might want to think about whether transitioning is a path you want to follow.
     
  4. Irisviel

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    You seem so uncomfortable, and so much of what you say rings many bells, that it only reinforces my general feel that you're more likely to be trans than not, from the previous thread. I think you almost wish for that comfirmation, if I read in between the lines well enough... and I think your answer is right there in your own words. You said that the "in between" option failed, and you have continued to develop more discomfort. I think that's quite telling.
     
  5. rebelAssassin

    Regular Member

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    Wearing feminine clothes makes me feel... weird, to say the least. If given the choice, I would rather wear a suit than dress, but as most of my clothes are feminine cut, I have no choice. I recently cut my hair very short, and despite my younger sister telling me it looks like crap on me, I'm very pleased with it. My best friend told me I looked like a dude (I was wearing baggy clothes) and I was almost ridiculously happy.

    As for therapy, I can't, sadly. If I tried to explain this to my father (who isn't big on anything LGBT) it would almost certainly blow up in my face. I'm almost 18, but I don't have a job and have no way to support myself should he kick me out. Maybe my school counselor could help me. I'd have to swear her to secrecy, though. I can't ask my closest trans friend; his dad shipped him off to military school on Sunday. Thank you guys for responding, but I'm not any less confused.