I’ve been thinking about changing my real life name and pronouns, but I don’t know what to do. I feel there is a fight going on in my head. When I’m female inside I want a female name and pronouns, sometimes very, very badly. When I’m male inside I want male pronouns and a male name, although I’m happy with a unisex one. When I feel a mixture of the two, I’m happy with either female, male, or unisex names, and they/them pronouns is fine. The question is how to resolve that conflict. I have a family nickname, Hally, which is a rare diminutive of my male birth name, though used these days mostly as a female name. My partner uses this name almost exclusively as she prefers it. I suspect if my wider circle of friends used it they’d want a nickname, though, and “Hal” isn’t my thing (open the pod doors). A couple of years ago one of my friends misheard my name the first time she met me and called me Harriet. This has remained an in-joke between us but I feel Harriet is too feminine and that Hats makes me feel more comfortable. I also think it goes better with Hally. As for pronouns, I think they/them will be the ones I end up sticking with. Is it going to be too hard for people to deal with a unisex proper name, a female nickname, and gender neutral pronouns? I feel it’s the only way to acknowledge all three aspects of me, but the whole thing just makes me want to cry.
If you're comfortable with female pronouns, why not stick with them? I am, and it's less confusing to people who don't know you. "They" still seems contrived to me, and even when I'm feeling very male, I'm not comfortable with the masculine pronouns. I see no reason to switch, unless someday my guy takes over entirely and my girl dies off, which I don't see happening.
That’s what my partner said, and it’s a good question. I dunno…I worry that there would be too many times where it would feel wrong. It’s like…”he” is fine except when it isn’t. I sort of think that there are going to be times when whatever pronoun I choose will feel wrong, but “they” is the best sort of catch-all.
I don't think that's too much to ask of people. It might be difficult for them at first, but any change in name and pronouns is difficult at first. What you're asking for is really reasonable. A name, a nickname, and they/them pronouns. That's not too hard. People will definitely have more trouble adjusting to they/them pronouns just because they're less common, but they'll get used to it. If you think it would make you comfortable, you could offer she/her as an alternative for people who have a really difficult time with it.
