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No regret.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Crisalide, Jan 20, 2017.

  1. Crisalide

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    I just saw a photo of me four years ago during a dance class. I was in a such sensual and really feminine pose. My curves were more visible because of that. I had long hair.
    This doesn't disturb me.
    In this period of my life, I would NEVER take such a pose, it would be humiliating to me. I used to dance really good (I have no modesty lol) in a feminine way, but I have unlearnt to because it's now different from what I feel inside. (I also liked masculine moves, anyway. At home, unseen by anyone except my cat.)
    Right now, feminine traits look wrong on me. Make up looks wrong, long hair is a suffocating memory, mannerism is a nauseating mask I got rid off (what a joy). I don't want to go back.
    But I'm glad that I looked like a female before. The only thing I thought seeing that photo was: "I was so sexy without even knowing lol".
    Yet I was not completely a girl, even if I didn't know it. I wished a lower voice, fantasised about hysterectomia or early menopause, felt strange when someone said I was a woman, hated social norms regarding my supposed gender, felt good while using male endings (ex. playing a character or writing a story by first person). And many other things. Sometimes I felt fake and restrained while acting too feminine; there was a "little shameful monster" inside when I was around girls and I felt it was forbidden and horrible to show them that monster. Deep inside, I was made by a different material; I was the protector of my female friends, assuming the mission of a father figure. Not a mother figure, no: a father figure.
    I'm confused.
    I accept the fact that people used to see me as a female. I can't accept anymore that people see me as a female now.
    I don't regret having tried to do what's expected from a female. At least I bashed into things I discovered were uncomfortable, and then stopped.
    I'm just surprised that photos of myself in the past with feminine appearance don't disturb me. Reading things I wrote in the past with female endings disturbs A LOT. Photos are ok. Why?
     
  2. Dingdang

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    You and I have a similar mindset: we don't regret our pasts. That's definitely healthy, and will help you much if and when you transition.

    You could transition into a man if you feel like that would help you. It's your choice, and if you think you will benefit from it in the long run, then I would recommend doing it early so you don't regret not taking action.

    I hope this helps. Denial will inevitably be an obstacle for a period of time, so just be aware of that, and try to see through it.
     
  3. oh my god I

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    Tbh--why should you regret it? It seems like there are a lot of implied assumptions here are about how you're supposed to feel.
     
  4. Mihael

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    I agree
     
  5. Lacybi

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    For me it feels like the girl in the pictures and me are two separate people, she just took her turn being in this body and now its mine. That's probably a strange way to think about it but I've changed so much (inside and out) that I'm hardly recognisable as the person I was before.