Hello, So, I've been very introspective of late (when am I not?) and I do tend to overthink things to death. My dilemma is this: As I wrote before, I feel more comfortable with male pronouns, I want to dress more masculine, in my head I see myself looking masculine (though nothing like what I really look like.) I want to be the gentleman in a relationship, not the lady. That said, I struggled for years with the fact that I was attracted to girls. Any man I was "attracted to" was because I wanted to have some quality that they had, or wanted to be their friend. Any sort of "crush" feelings were because I idolized them in a way. But the idea of having a romantic relationship with a guy never truly appealed to me. Relationships in general are only semi-alluring. So here is the gimmick: Did I create this "fantasy" male character in my head to try and relieve the fact that I am ashamed of being attracted to girls? When I was young I did want to do more boy type things and I've never really felt comfortable in my skin. But I've been wondering if I tried to build this escape to justify my feelings - to make me "straight." Am I just a more masculine leaning female? Or is my dysphoria rooted in the fact that I really am trans? I know there really isn't much of an answer to be given. I just needed to get this out there. It is like the moment I think I've settled, I get all messed up again. Sheesh. :bang: I wish I could just be.
From what I can remember of your previous posts, you seemed to give off a clear impression that you were a trans male. As for this post, females generally wouldn't prefer to be referred to as a man, let alone the "gentleman in a relationship", so that makes it quite clear to me that you're not cis. I suppose there's always a slim possibility that you created a "fantasy" persona due to internalised homophobia, though it does seem like a bit of a stretch. Ultimately everything can be questioned if scrutinised closely enough, so I think you should try your best to take it easy and not think about it too deeply. Ignore all the minor details, instead just consider the broader facts and what they tell you about yourself.
Masculine leaning female - you say. I say - the thing is the same, only the word you call it changes. I also had this dilemma some time ago. I just stopped splitting hairs. "Trans male" is short, to the point, unambiguous. You identify with masculinity quite strongly, don't you?
Thanks. Like I said, I tend to overthink things to death. I'm just going to take some deep breaths and try to let things go. Being my authentic self has been the struggle of my life it seems. I feel like I have wasted so much time worrying about all this :***:. That my life is passing me by and I am getting nowhere except closer to misery. I guess my closet door is superglued shut. I guess you could say that they are the same. I just need to get over it already, right? I've read way too many old novels, and I always identified with the male characters and wanted to be like them. I remember watching a period drama and emulating the male character I liked. My family was like "what's wrong with you?" Don't remember how long that phase lasted. :lol: I'm glad I'm not the only one who has had this problem (though it is not a pleasant one.) Thank you both, Sebby45
But why do you circle? What kind of doubts do you have either way? I mean, maybe understanding it and reasessing your doubts and so on, could help you stop circling?
emmery, I guess it goes back to a previous post, but: 1. I feel somehow wrong inside whenever I think of being trans. Maybe because I feel like I can't embrace that part of myself? 2. Fear of what others would think if they found out. 3. Are my feelings that I am more masculine valid? How would I know what it is to truly feel like a man? 4. I am somewhat more comfortable with the idea of being a lesbian, because I thought I was for so long. 5. I feel that I am doing something morally wrong either way. Even thinking the way I do. I feel like I am some sort of terrible mistake. That I am going to be punished somehow. Again, fear. 6. As a child I always thought of being a boy. 7. I hate being called feminine pronouns. Why would that bother me if I really felt like a girl? I hate dressing up, make up, long hair, etc. 8. I don't want to be completely male anatomically. I just want to look male...and how I see myself doesn't match who I am, so I feel like I am just living in my head. That my feelings are not "real." That I just have an imaginary identity... I don't know if all that made sense...I'm just pouring out words. It is like one second I feel like I am ok with myself. Then all these critical voices start shouting in my head again. I guess I am trying to deny that I am different, but I really can't repress that fact. And I circle because a part of me says "damn it, I'm going to be who I am. Whatever I am." While the other part of me whimpers in a corner and feels ashamed. ---------- Post added 22nd Jan 2017 at 07:23 PM ---------- Sorry. That was supposed to be emerry.
You should definitely look into this, as it could mean one of two things. It could either mean that you're simply struggling to come to terms with yourself as you said, or it could mean that your mind is trying to tell you that you really are not a trans male. Have you ever done anything to test how you feel about having a male identity? I used to often question myself and my gender, and it was only when I started presenting as male (resulting in people addressing me with male pronouns etc) that I became sure that I was indeed trans. I don't think there is any one way to "truly feel like a man", we are all different after all. Some men are dominant, others are submissive. Some are very feminine whereas others are quite masculine. Such factors can strongly affect the experiences of each individual, so it really is hard to answer your question. The best thing I can say is that it simply feels... right. From a man's perspective, that is. I'm pretty sure you won't suffer from any terrible punishment no matter what you decide, so try working on putting those thoughts at ease. Stressing out will do you no good. Have you ever considered the possibility of you being non-binary or agender? At the very least a non-binary trans male. I'm suggesting this because you seem to be quite sure that you're not female, but at the same time you don't feel fully male either. There is nothing wrong with being different. You do not need to feel ashamed. I think at this time of questioning, you should put aside other people's opinions and instead focus on your own feelings. If you really want to get to the bottom of this once and for all, you need to make sure that the opinions of others don't get in your way.
Thank you. I am quite comfortable with male pronouns and names (and have tried using them with one person.) I feel like a brother towards my siblings and have always been protective of them. Illusions are just illusions. Don't we all wish we looked a little different than we do now? Or like somebody else? I guess the decision that I didn't want to transition also made me feel like I wasn't really what I thought I was. But last night when I was in bed, everything just cleared in my head. I don't need to physically transition to be who I already am. I am trans and that is all there is to it. My mind and body don't relate, but I don't have to change anything to prove it. It was all so peaceful. Today I feel really calm about all this. I want to start living my life. And you're right of course. Men are just as varied as women in temperament. So it really is silly to question whether you are masculine or feminine enough. I always end up feeling cowed by other people, but I need to start standing up for myself. Sorry for being such a pain. I feel like such a whiner. But just writing this out helped me solidify my thoughts. AnAtypicalGuy, emerry...(*hug*) Sebby45 ---------- Post added 23rd Jan 2017 at 11:24 AM ---------- P.S. And I know the not transitioning part is not widely acknowledged as an option. To each their own. I do know there will be days when I will be more dysphoric than others. But I think just accepting the fact has been a load off my shoulders.
I'm quite tired so I'll go to other things tomorrow. But yes, all you need to be trans is to feel like a guy. I'm also not transitioning I just am a dude, I happen to have a female body, that's all there is to it. I feel like it makes it difficult to navigate the world that I like being a woman, but it's my body and my values and my life. It's okey, this is probably the whining place.
Just talking frequently helps I thought... do you still want to talk about the stuff in previous posts or are you alright now?
For now I think I am ok. I appreciate it though. Everyone has been so helpful with all this confusion. I think the EC community is much needed. I will probably be talking through this again though when I hit a wall. I feel like a broken record. :lol: But like you said, talking through it helps a lot. Especially when you don't really have a support system. Thanks.
