Overcoming the fear of never being "real"

I know it's tough, but you must get rid of that mindset. You absolutely will be a real man. You already are. Even among cis people there's all different body types and sets of features. Genitals don't matter, you're still a man, even with a vagina. Just like I'm still a woman even with a penis.

 

Brother, you are real. You are valuable. You deserve to live a happy and full life. You are not alone in this.

I know how hard it can be. I've suffered from clinical depression since I was fourteen. I cannot tell you how many nights I went to sleep, begging God to end my life because I did not want to face another day. The times I ended up on the bathroom floor at 2am with fresh cuts on my skin, sobbing until I couldn't breathe. It hurts. It fucking hurts. But you have to keep fighting - promise me you will choose to keep breathing and always keep fighting because it gets better.

You are a real man and it is absolutely possible to live a happy life as a transgender person. You've already made it so far in accepting yourself as trans. The next step is finding support. If your family is not accepting, start by telling those you know you can trust - like close friends or support groups (either at school, clubs, or online). And one by one, day by day, you'll come out. Be careful. Learn to love yourself. And it will get better I swear. Just hang in there.

What helped me tremendously was watching YouTube videos of transguys. One such I've posted below from a guy (who is also trans) on the topic of suicide. It encouraged me immensely and I think you should watch it.

Transgender Suicide

Other than that, I can suggest other trans guy's channels that helped me. Or if there is anything else, I would be more than willing to chat. You can message me on my wall here (once you've made 10+ posts on the site you have that ability) or just post in thread. I and many other transgender people at EmptyClosets are here for you.

I cannot stress it enough, brother, that you're worth it. Just take this journey one day at a time.

 

Trans YouTubers can be great. I watch many girls, and I'm adding more all the time. Do be careful though, I find it doesn't always help. I often tend to get jealous, since they're all so pretty and have come so far, while I'm sitting here looking like shit and pre-everything still. Meanwhile they're exactly where I want to be.

We are here for you. All of us. MtF or FtM, we all have a similar struggle. We're all brothers and sisters.

 

I am going through this as well.

You have to remind yourself that there is no such thing as a "real" man. Men are all very different, trans or cis. What you should try to focus on is making yourself feel manly. For example, some of the things I do are using men's body wash and shampoo, wearing boxers, leaving my legs unshaven, etc. For some it takes time to "feel" male. Even if you are undoubtedly a trans male, it's okay to feel that you are not manly enough. I feel it's natural. Us trans men, for the most part, spent a considerable about of years being socialized as "female" and it's sometimes hard to get away from that especially pre-op and pre-t during the coming out process.

It's very hard, I know. But keep trying. It's the little things.. work out, don't shave, anything that you like. Do little things to make you happy and feel manly. "Real" does not exist, but satisfaction in your own mind does.

You can message me if you like.

 

I go the opposite way. I acknowledge that I'm never going to be "real" (by which we all probably mean cis in this context) and that's it. And I'm never also going to be an olympic athlete, nor the next Celine Dion. I have my body and it's what I have to work with. I choose to not be affraid to say "penis" in relation to my parts, I choose to just confront the biological reality and make the best out of it. I'm not going to be a great singer, but it's surely more fun to sing along to the music I like than never do it and live with the craving for it. And it's better to be as much of a woman as I can be, rather than not bother being one. Sure, never real. But also much better off than living a miserable life of someone I'm not.
I suppose it's not a path for everyone. I just find it healthy for myself, because instead of trying to find validation in other people, I just adopt a mindset in which being an anomaly is what I am.

The big difference is that WHAT I am is not WHO I am. My way to cope with fear is to acknowledge what I am, a biological male, and do the best I can to make the who I am, the woman, live the best possible life with the set of tools I have at my disposal.

 

That's a very inspiring post Irisviel, thank you so much for taking the time to write it . (&&&)

---------- Post added 24th Jan 2017 at 01:34 PM ----------

Just stay true to yourself, and you will find that path that makes you more ..congruent. For some the answer is in various degrees of physical transitioning, others rely purely on mental solutions. But there are plenty solutions, it is not hopeless. You are more than worthy and can do a lot in this world, you just have to find the strength to accept how things are now, figure out how to tweak/change them for the better, and allow yourself to move forward .

 

I am a (kind of feminine actually) trans guy who is not going to go through surgery for the exact same reasons you listed. And I don't need surgery to validate my identity or my self-worth. I think the entire passing thing is overrated. And surgery doesn't solve my true problems. You need to decide for yourself what it means to be a man or a woman.

For me, the bravest thing I can do is to go on living as who I am, despite feeling male inside and looking female outside. I don't adhere to the gender roles society puts upon men OR women. What braver man than one who is born a woman? You've got an amazing life left to live. Be brave.