Questioning, confused Genderfluid and large guy.

Just to get this out of the way, I know tall girls exist, and I have also seen multiple posts of transgirls who're tall talk about how, at most, they get noticed for height and never really get outed by it. So, yes, I'm aware.


So I've been questioning, or at least into the idea of being a girl to some extent for years now, about since I was 16 (now 21), but I never took it any sort of seriously. I just thought I was into gender transformation or something in like bad anime and stuff. But in 2016 I was finally out of school and had more than enough time to actually think about myself, more than I'm comfortable with to be honest. But I came to the realization that there's a good chance I'm genderfluid.

Well after enough time I met two friends (one being a transguy) and eventually got the courage to tell them. They're both fairly accepting, moreso that I felt like I deserved, and of course I came out both as genderfluid and also mentioned I was probably bi/pan (I still don't know for sure).

That, was about one month ago now. I've still barely talked about gender stuff face to face with them cause I'm still too awkward, they've offered multiple times to use different pronouns, but I also feel like, with how I express myself irl, I don't warrant other pronouns. But aside from my self consciousness, all great, or, supposed to be great.

My dysphoria never bothered me in life before, I never took my own gender questioning seriously, I was just a weird guy with an occasional female persona online just because. But having two people, in the real world, that know even a little about me and my internal gender conflict, has made that a lot more... real? Harder to avoid and pretend was never there maybe? Probably doesn't help that they introduced me to tumblr.
Dysphoria, in the past month and a half or so, has pretty much skyrocketed for me, I still very much look like a guy, and some days I'm okay with that, but slowly things have been internally changing in ways the make me uncomfortable, a need to lose weight (probably a good thing, I'm 260lbs), and other things like not being able to bring myself to buy stuff like cologne.

Along with my occasional vents to my friends to try to relieve my anxiety, seeing really really cute transgirls who're super happy and basically bring me to tears to see them on tumblr (both out of happiness for them, hope that I really never wanted, and just confusion of if I ever want that), as well as these minor changes I have internally going on, well. Yeah. I hope it's kind of understandable why HRT at least to some extent, and transitioning, has been in my mind.

But... I don't know if I should, or if its worth it. I don't know if I'd be passable, and I know that shouldn't be important, but it is to me. I'm 6ft1, have decently broad shoulders (I think about 21"), size 13 (US) feet, hands to match, and god oh god why do I keep my beard, but I have that too yeah. The only possibly good thing of any of this is that I don't have like some extremely masculine face (minus beard), but that's it. I feel like I could live without transitioning, I've never had a self harm thought in my life and still don't so I don't think my dysphoria would ever induce anything horrible aside from anxiety and sadness, and being genderfluid (I think, this past month I've basically been hating myself the entire time though), I also potentially will have days where none of that bothers me at all.

My friend told me that, what partly helped him was knowing he'd have his whole life to figure the gender and sexuality stuff out, and.. that is great. For some. Every passing day for me is shitty questioning, confusion, wishing I'd lose weight faster, being impatient, and so on.

I'm just confused, as the title here says. I couldn't buy cologne again so I went to a store to buy relatively gender neutral smelling perfume, which using still makes me think everyone's gonna notice (they probably don't). Odd thing about that day I bought that is that, since I can't lie to save my own life, I admitted to the girl I was buying for myself, and she was totally okay with it, which made me worry she thought I was gay or something, but for some reason it was like, "Oh, she just thinks I'm gay, that's okay". Which, is a dumb reaction in my brain that somehow comforted me.
Of course after leaving the store I both realize "wait... I am gay" and "WHY IS THAT ANY BETTER THAN BEING TRANS?!". I realized that night that I still very much don't consider myself part of the LGBTQ+ crowd, not because I dislike the idea, just more, people who're part of that and proud are amazing people to me. They're "the cool kids" in my eyes, confident and/or brave enough to say "f*** you" to society so they can be themselves. And really, to anyone reading this that's out in any fashion, you people are still amazing to me. I can barely accept myself let alone admit who I am to the rest of the world.
I'm also not even sure if I am genderfluid like I thought I was or just trans, I think I still am genderfluid, but maybe.. with a female base? Like if male-female was a 1-10 scale, I'd be hovering around 6~7 and fluctuating every now and then. (I over complicate things)



This is a long long long vent-ranty post, about like.. 20 different things, I know. And I'm sorry to anyone who I might have offended, I'm not trying to offend anyone in this post, all of these feelings of passing and other things are strictly towards myself.

I don't know what kind of advice I'm looking for here, there's a lot of questions and things I probably should seek help with going on in my mind. Should I see a support group? Should I see a therapist? Should I transition, or even partly transition (I know that's also a thing). I'm not even out, I'm more out to my friends than I am with myself, if that makes any sense.
Anyways. Thanks for reading, if anyone did.