Life hasn't changed much and it's getting annoying.

My life is becoming so boring and so devoid of activity it's like a chore to even use the bathroom now. I go to school everyday, try to avoid honework, try to nap, eat, drink and hydrate, and use the bathroom. School is annoying and frustrating for reasons any one could guess (tedious work loads, teachers killing us with "group projects" most of us don't work on, etc). And everything just seems so boring. I feel like I'm stuck in place, but now I'm feeling more and more bored with everything. Sure I find something to occupy or entertain me, but that always seems to go away. I also feel tired randomly even when I have had lots of sleep. I feel groggy all the time. I take a 3 hour nap, wake up for a bedand then sleep again for another two hours. Even if I had a full eight hours of sleep the night before. School is aggravating as always, dealing with stupid stuff on a daily basis. Seriously, how is a "group project" about modern social issues that may be referenced in thirty year old books going to help me cure cancer someday? As the educational system constantly preaches. Everybody can be the person who cures cancer, so here's a mountain of textbooks that will supposedly make you smarter. I'm getting tired of this common core logic. I'm either going to be a film maker or a cop, I'm not studying to become freaking Dexter from Dexter's lab. Why do they gotta force this stuff on us. I personally think that, after a certain level, students should get a say in what they learn. I should learn what I want to learn, not what some guy sitting behind a desk thinks I should learn. I want to learn more about film, reason, home equity, psychology, fire fighting, police, paramedics, aerial fire fighting, disaster relief, etcetera. No more of this "We need to teach each other in groups for a better education" nonsense. Life is aggravating. So much stupid, irrelevant, and repetitive nonsense that will mean little to nothing to me after school.

And nothing seems to change. I always feel stuck and now I'm constantly repeating myself in these essays I post here. I feel like I'm probably more of an annoyance now than anything. It seems that all I do is complain on here and rant and rave and gloat about my dreams. I feel like people are probably tired of seeing the same things in all my posts. I'm probably boring every reader to death. And I probably seem selfish for constantly complaining and whining. My life sucks right now, and all I do is write about whatever is on my mind and see what people think. This is getting tedious and boring too. And I'm getting bored of my same old house and closet sized bedroom. Seeing the same things everyday, thinking similar thoughts. Routine is really dragging me down. But supposedly it gets worse and more tough in college. So that's just great. I'm tired of the routine and the same things all the time. I know I'm going to be nonstop busy in college. Especially with working, studying, and transition. I'm going to have to do this all simultaneously. And everyone tells me horror stories about college loans and debt, working a part time job while being a full time student, paying rent and such, paying bills, and I've seen quite a few horror stories about transition too. And it seems that money and time are the biggest issues with me. Even if I got a full ride to school, I'd still have bills to pay. I don't even know how much my parents are willing to help me. Once my dad finds out about me being trans, I'll be surprised if he doesn't threaten to cut me off and throw me out of his life (or expect me to come crawling back to him). But, ugh. Life is horrible. It's such a miserable drag. I recall a time where I was mostly happy in my posts, but now I feel like a total bore. My feelings seem to change from time to time, but I hope a happy patch hits me soon. :/ <3 (*hug*)

 

Yeah. Life's a circle , at least that's what I learned from the Lion King.

I really wish things would change so that people could have more control over their lives and have more things available to them. I want to learn film, why can't I dedicate my time to film? Why do I have to go to school for four hours of BS classes just because the state said so? It's all a spinning wheel, a perpetual cycle. You spend most of your life programed or being programed. Once you get outside, you want to crawl back in through the window. I also need money, why can't I get a normal minimum wage job while in high school? It's like uberly difficult to get hired, they give you garbage hours and treat you like it, and give you little to no pay. My first job payed me 2 dollars an hour just because I was 16, meanwhile an 18 year old working less made almost triple my salary. Life gets spinning, and you get stuck on the track. And they really teach us very little to prepare for the real world.

Routine is comfortable and normal, but because of constant routine, instructions, etcetera, it's very hard to adjust to making your own choices and decisions. One of the biggest reasons why I don't fight against my routine and try to improve my current situation is that I get that feeling of laziness and comfort. The "it's fine as it is" mentality. Or the "I'm not dealing with it" mentality. The worst part about routine is its very hard to break.

Thanks for the kind words! ^-^ <3