Visit to the hospital and some updates I guess

Well, I figure I should just type this all out. I haven't posted in a while, sorry about that. I guess i just haven't felt motivated. I haven't even checked posts. But, you know, I think I will tonight. And I think knowing someone is going to read this'll make me feel less alone. Less alone than if I just wrote a journal entry at least. Most of you are strangers to me so I guess its silly to update you on my life, but I think a lot of you who are reading this understand what I'm saying better than anyone else.
Anyways, I don't remember if I posted about this at the time, but in November my doctor, psychiatrist, and therapist all pretty much recommended that I go to the local hospital, which has a gender clinic (they recommended me there for that purpose if that wasn't already clear haha). Appointments were really backed up, but we were able to schedule four evaluation sessions, the first of which was today. I spent the morning panicking, which I am unfortunately wont to do, and the car ride there was tense. I couldn't get my words together so I said pretty much nothing sufficiently articulate, at least by my taste. And otherwise it was just uncomfortable silence.
At the appointment things weren't much better. I was unsure about the person who was handling us. I was concerned I was being condescended towards, which is something I resent with a passion. To my moderate dismay most of the time of the appointment I had to say everything in front of my parents. Sucked. So fun saying I think about hurting and killing my self because I am delusional and think I am supposed to be a boy. Hahah. Sorry, I have a habit of harshing on myself quite a bit. I promise I would never accuse somebody in my same situation of being delusional.
During the appointment mom almost immediately started crying. My dad was unusually stony faced. He usually smirks or cracks sarcastic jokes or does something but he didn't really. I felt like shit. Sometimes I forget for a split second that me and my.. issues.. are giving them a hell of a lot of grief. It makes me feel like dying. All I want is independence. All I want is to make it easy on them. And they seemed like such a solitary team. I was three inches away from my dad and a few feet from my mom but I felt like I was miles away behind glass while they scrutinized and observed me from a video camera like a specimen. The lady was too cheerful, too discerning, too nice.
And am I alone in feeling strange when people are like; "what gender do you identify as?" and "gender is just a spectrum. You can be lizard-gender if you just /feeeeel/ it enough". This is not to be an asshole to people who are legitimately non binary or go through gender issues that can't be resolved by going through "typical" gender/sexual transition. There are plenty of you on here, and plenty of you are very logical and methodical about your conclusions and struggle with legitimate gender dysphoria. I am not here to judge people over something I don't entirely and fully grasp. However, from what I can see there are a lot of people who are mislead into concluding that they are of some obscure gender identity because of some small detail that means nothing, or because they are going through puberty and feel insecure and equate that with gender dysphoria. This lady began to strike me as someone who doesn't care enough about the relationship between neurology and transgenderism. When we were talking in private I confessed that I am very analytical, I like scientific conclusions and I think it's kind of ridiculous that some people will say "oh I'm a trans girl/boy/agender/genderfluid/lizard dragon because i just feel like I am" when they don't have real issues/evidence. And I think she said smoothly "well that's not true, but.." and sort of swept it under the rug a bit. Maybe I exaggerated my personal feelings on the issue, or maybe she misunderstood me, but I don't think a professional should be treating potentially transgender children with the perspective of "hey if you feel like demiboy demigirl wizard kin and you have literally no dysphoria that's a-okay". She even said some of her clients visit her one day and say they're one gender and then come back and say that they're a different gender and that's just fiiiiiiine. Like okay, if you say you're gender fluid and you have some dysphoria and are not a confused tumblr child, that is super fine and I wish you happiness. But I do think gender has a lot to do with how you're brain develops, and a lot less to do with, "well I just feel like a man woman helicopter bird monster today and so respect my pronouns". And I want professionals who deal with these issues to have a somewhat firm hand in a way. To be able to tell someone, hey I think you're just confused. Because some people are. Maybe I'm the real noob here and this person is the one with the vast cognitive and scientific knowledge on why godzillagenders are totally logically legitimate, but I guess I just felt uncomfortable with how freely she was throwing stuff around like "oh yeah gender is just a spectrum" and "male and female brains aren't really much different".
Enough of that, though. I guess when we had our ten minute one-on-one chat I got emotional along the way. It didn't even matter who I was talking to eventually. I just stated talking about how afraid I was that I was never going to be happy and that my parents would never accept it if I just said I was a boy and how I felt like a freak and how I sometimes want to die instead of having to put myself and everyone else through this shit. Of course she said I wasn't a freak. And that I can't take on the responsibilities of a parent and a child and try to protect my mom and dad from my and their feelings. I knew she was right. And in that moment I really did feel like a child. Sitting in a doctors office tissues all over my face crying like a baby about how I can't take it anymore.
I've kind of felt like that all of the rest of the day. As I'm typing this I can't imagine going through that three more times.
It would be easier if someone, anyone was okay. My mom is more upset than I've ever seen her about anything in my life and says she can't see me as a boy, i think my dad still thinks I'm a confused girl who just doesn't like dresses and is self conscious about the expectations he thinks are placed on the female sex, my friends are helpless to do anything, and I want to die. But what's the downside, right? I'm probably just faking this because i want to be special or do my parents some sort of vengeful wrong or something. Right now I feel like a puzzle piece that got removed from the puzzle and kicked across the floor. When I got home my parents eventually went mostly back to normal (with more hugging me than usual..) but in my head I'm still back in the hospital and I still feel small and angry and helpless and my mom is still crying and my dad is still silent and the woman is still smiling and recommending that maybe I should go to the anxiety support group because my anxiety is making it so hard to deal with my other issues.
I can't think of much more to say for now. I might post more later on this same thread. Thank you to anyone who bothered to listen. This got some much more long winded and rambly than I intented, and much too cynical so I'm legitimately sorry about that. So long for now.
(And yes I had fun coming up with the crazy tumblr genders, thank you for indulging me. :icon_wink. And I truly hope it didn't offend anyone.)

 

Thanks Patrick. I'm feeling better now than I did when I typed that, so i feel like a have a fresher perspective right now than I did last week (geez, I got to replies kind of late, didn't I?). I find myself not really understanding why I was feeling so frustrated with her little speech about the gender spectrum, and I think I was mostly focusing anger at myself outwards. I guess I still have this all consuming paranoia that I'm not ever going to get to live as a guy because I didn't fit the picture perfect mold of a trans childhood, and I came in ready to present my evidence and give my case like a was going to court. And then when she was like; "oh, you can be whatever gender you want. Also, you look like a dude. Can I just call you 'he'"? (Yeah, she pretty much said that. In slightly more professional ways). So maybe it wasn't an issue of her making me feel less legitimate, but the fact that she seemed to let me go so easy. Anyway, I appreciate your reply. I think it helped me gain a lot of insight, and process things.

---------- Post added 30th Jan 2017 at 08:54 PM ----------

Hi. I'm doing quite a bit better now actually. I'll have a one on one appointment with the doctor next week, and I am feeling somewhat more confident.

I think my mom has been taking it really well this past week, and my dad seems okay, so...... hope??

Yeah. You and Patrick definitely called me on that one. You're both right. :icon_redf

Hugs!! (*hug*)

---------- Post added 30th Jan 2017 at 09:02 PM ----------

Hugs (&&&)
I'm sorry you relate but yes, it helps a little to know I'm not completely crazy

I have a terrible habit of doing that, I confess. In my head I have set up so many land mines of you're doing this and that like a girl, and you want to be a man so act like one, and why are you so sensitive, grow a pair.. it gets in the way of me doing anything. And besides, who cares what somebody else wants to call themself? Who am I to judge? It's mostly just me projecting my own insecurities onto somebody i don't know because I don't know how else to deal with it.

Yes that makes a lot of sense. I think for me, my constant inner rejection has just made me expect and almost hunger for some sort of aggressive criticism from someone else, when I'm the person I know who is most doubtful of my validity.