Last update I guess

So I guess I dealed with everything before I got the chance of going to a gender therapist, and I'm not sure a gender therapist would be of much help in my case, if it's not just "normal" issues that simply require talking through and quite regular measures. I'm not a normal trans person, I guess, or maybe what passes as such. I don't want to transition. I just am a guy in a woman's body, and that's it. Maybe most trans people are like me but they are not vocal. Who knows, in all honesty? The society is cisnormative and we are seen as freaks or deluded, and nobody wants to see themself as such.

It all comes down to what you're comfortable with. For me, the dafault gender expression that was assigned to me was not what I feel good with, for many reasons. So I changed that, recently I got myself guy clothes, and I think that as a result of coming out, my behaviour changed as well. It's like... maybe I'm not transitioning, but if you say it, people start to see a man in you at least to a degree, and that is socially a bit different, in a way that different behaviours carry different meanings and are met with different resopnses. So due to context, behaviour is bound to change too. Other things... I'm doing a bit of fitting in with the guys as well, but I have to say that the masculine direction is much less of a stretch than the feminine. It's a bit tough sometimes. It went... fast. I didn't realise men have it so hard, ha ha, and probably a lot of "feminists" don't realise it either. I got my butt kicked quite seriously, just because. But I'm coping, I'm coping, I'm not backing off, I don't suddenly doubt that probably I'm cis female or non-binary. I don't know, it feels true, I don't know how else to describe it.

I feel like I reached the end of my journey. All of the problems seem solved, all of the worries seem adressed. I feel a ton lighter. I recognise that this is the end by the fact that when some gender-related thought emerges in my head, I know that thought and I know what to do with it, what I think about it, and so on. It took me a really long time to get here. And what helped me the most was... just talking about it, and just being open, and proud.

 

Thanks

 

So no, not last update, but the news is too short to write a new thread. Nothing flashy, but I finally started to dress like a guy all the time. Because I have found the right clothes, and I have found the courage. And I wondered a lot on the way where I need to fix things or what do I want to express through my clothing, and I had trouble finding the sizes, and panicked that the men's section doesn't work, and that I like skirts and wear skirts, and I had trouble finding masculine clothing I'd actually look good in and that I'd actually like. So I had that goal in my mind for such a long time, and I finally got there. It's been months if not years. And I was scared. I was scared of confronting that, I was scared of confronting people, and nothing special happened but the people at uni were surprised, and it was a bit awkward because if I dress like a dude, I look pretty ambiguous. But it went fine, and I consider wearing men's clothing all the time a major victory. It makes me feel socially so much better. It was tough to get there but definitely worth it.