Does anyone ever become overwhelmed by panicky doubts? This week has been so fantastic. I've made leaps and bounds with coming out as trans. I've met so many new people and feel so at ease in my life for the first time. I am in this city far away from everything that was, and I am finally able to be myself, utterly. But I have yet to tell my family, and the idea of doing so makes me feel ill. My best friend is coming to stay with me tomorrow, and I don't know whether or not to tell her. I want her to know because I want to stop having to pretend to be something I'm not when I'm around her. But I don't want the dynamic of our friendship to change, so I'm scared of telling her. She is so lovely and accepting, but still I hate change and just want things to stay stable, if not exactly completely happy or honest. What am I trying to say? I get caught up in the moments, and this week there have been many, and I feel on top of the world, but then a panic sets in, this worry that somehow miraculously one day I'm going to wake up and 'poof' the dysphoria will have vanished. I guess I just don't trust myself. I don't trust that I am consistent enough. I think of who I was four years ago and can't connect to that person at all. So how do I know in four years' time this is still going to be correct? Even though it is constant. I don't know how to explain... I'm just petrified that somehow I've imagined all this up somehow, even though obviously I haven't. I guess I just wondered does anyone else feel like this, constantly doubting themselves? It gets to the point I need to be physically sick to release the tension in my body that the worrying is causing.
