The past week was supposed to be calm and relaxed, but it was anything but that. It was extremely stressful and infuriating, I had to try to finish my college applications and the required essays and it was nothing but constant stress and aggravation. I struggled to write these essays and everything and my parents just kept making everything miserable. They constantly harass and try to guilt-trip me into doing what they want. My dad had been saying things like "I can't swing. I can't handle it. You're the one that wants to leave." And my mom has voiced similar concerns. They think that I cannot handle myself, I can't survive on my own, they can't afford it, they don't want me in an apartment, they want a full meal plan (dorms and meal plans aren't offered by one of my schools), they don't want me to work and go to school at the same tike, they want me home, they want to know where I am (basically keep a leash on me wherever I go) and control what I do when I go to college, they think I need to go to local schools and get a simple four year degree and then consider my options when I'm 30 and have a full time job, they don't want me to study film, they constantly want to whine and argue about me going to college and costs even when they're wrong. My mom just yelled at me for a half hour, whining about her not wanting me to go to California, her not wanting me to apply to the schools I want, her not wanting to pay for my applications to schools in California, her wanting me to stay local, her wanting me to get a basic degree and waiting to do anything, berating me for "never leaving the house" (I always want to leave the house and do stuff, they just don't let me/ have a serious problem with me being out of the house) and saying that I would be alone and would never leave my dorm and stay isolated, she can't afford to send me out there, she can't afford to send herself out there to watch me from time to time, saying that she wanted to know where I was at all times, tuition is too expensive, she's too stressed and worried to deal with it, she feels sick to her stomach because I want to leave home, and so on. My dad did the same thing three times today alone, twice yesterday, twice last night, and once the night before. Both of then have this hostile whiny voice they use to try and intimidate and guilt-trip me at the same time. They think barking at me will make me back down and obey them. I have never done anything that they would define as "bad" and I have done many things they don't like, yet every decision I make ends up okay in the end. Most decisions I make are well thought out and educated. I have constantly been doing my research, regardless of what they think, and I know what is right for me and what I want and need to do. I just had a debate with my mom about her not wanting to pay for applications to schools so far away I may never get into, yet most application fee costs the same no matter what school you go to. 50 bucks a school isn't a big deal, especially since it costs the same for all the local schools. They insist on keeping me home and forcing me to do what they want. My mom just basically told me one of the reasons she didn't want me to go away is because she can't have stalker privileges. It's insane, I'm about to crack. I'm one step away from punching my dad square in the face and screaming at my mom until she understands. The last thing she said to me before storming off to bed was "Well I never went to college, I don't know." She literally admitted she didn't know what she was talking about. She says there's film schools in Manhattan, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, and I looked into them. Most of these film schools cost triple the cost of the schools I want. Some of these schools are 50,000 a semester, which makes 30,000 look like a steal. Plus I will submit FAFSA and apply for scholarships. I have an IEP, so that can get me some money in scholarships and aid. I've looked into a lot of these finances and these are pretty average numbers for schools these days. My parents are used to the days where going to college meant 1,000 dollars was expensive. They're thinking this will sabotage their mortgage, their salaries, their insurance. Meanwhile I'm the one who's going to have to pay for all this. I'm the one who's going to have to get a job and take out loans. There's another argument, getting a job. They whine and moan about me needing to support myself, while constantly saying no to every job I propose to them. I literally get shot-down every time I show them a job listing I like or a tell them about a job idea. They tell me no everytime. It's annoying. They constantly want control over me and won't let me go. It's like they think they need to make me a prisoner in my own home for my protection and their's. I'm so sick of it. I want to write them a letter once I leave this house charging them of their crimes against me and violating them for everything they've ever done to me. The abuse, the neglect, the lack of support, trying to prevent me from living my life, threatening me, trying to mentally abuse me to submit to their demends, constantly making themselves the victim in every situation and making themselves the judge and jury too. I'm so sick of it. I want to be free, I want to leave this place where I've face almost two decades of abuse behind. I want to forget this place exists. I want to live my life the way I want to and make my own decisions. I want to transition and become the beautiful girl I am inside. So much anger, sadness, abuse, frustration, aggression, torment, depression, anxiety. I just can't handle it anymore. It's driving me crazy. I've got bags under my eyes after a full nights sleep, I constantly feel tired, and I feel like I'm about to burst. I hate myself and they're the cause of it. They make me feel this way, they force me to live like this, they want me to die in their home so they have something to complain about. I'm sick of it! They need to get a life and stop stepping all over mine. Leave me alone goddamnit. Back off and leave me alone. Why can't they understand this? Why can't they back off and just let me live my life? Why!? What did I ever do to anybody to deserve so much paine? I can't stand it.
