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Hurting and confused

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Hats, Jan 31, 2017.

  1. Hats

    Regular Member

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    I nearly put this in the relationships forum, but because there's nb trans stuff mixed in it seemed to fit better here.

    I don’t know what to do. My partner asked me the other day how I knew I liked women. I wrote down a list of all the things I’ve felt with crushes in the past. She got upset because none of them included outright sexual urges, just things like an increased desire to touch them and various romantic fantasies, so she feels I’m not really physically attracted to her. But the thing is, I couldn’t really admit that I felt outright sexual attraction until after I met her, and she realised a couple of months ago that she is agender. So to me it doesn’t make sense to list all the things I’ve felt with her because they can’t be cross-referenced with feelings I’ve had with other women, and if she isn’t a woman then it’s irrelevant whether or not I’m attracted to women anyway. I identify as pansexual.

    The other thing is that the whole situation about my feelings for her is kind of complicated. It was about a month or so after we first met that I started to develop a crush. At first I was confused because it wasn’t as intense a normal crush and it didn’t entirely follow the same pattern, although it had enough in common with other ones to be seen as such in the end. I couldn’t see the giant neon sign. Then over time I realised I did have romantic feelings for her and we started dating. At the same time, that’s when I really started to get to grips with my gender and sexuality which was one big emotional mess.

    Most of the time she feels that my kissing is lukewarm, and I suppose that’s true. Initially I blamed it on unresolved issues around sex and I had many, partly because of my job as a court reporter where I transcribe hearings for the court records. I hear a lot of terrible stuff. I worked through as many of those issues as I could. But having got to the end of most of that work, although I’m more comfortable my kissing is still largely lukewarm.
    The thing is, the only times I’ve kissed her in a truly passionately (and in her words ‘real’ and ‘sincere’) way, and been attracted to her physically to a similar degree, is when I’ve felt female inside. The first time this happened was the week after Christmas. Suddenly my gender switched to female and that was accompanied by an image in my mind of both of us as women kissing. There have been hints before that my girl side is definitely into her but this was the first time it was so blatant. It was also disrespectful because she identifies as agender, not as female, but I couldn’t help my feelings. The second time was a week later. This time my boy side put up a bit of a fight but also prompted my girl side, and there was no image this time – I just saw it as me kissing her.

    That was three weeks ago. Since then I’ve tried to understand what is going on and why I am having problems. She asked me the other night whether I had felt turned on while kissing her. I was honest and said I hadn’t, and of course she was hurt.

    The one relationship I’ve had with a male I couldn’t admit at the time that’s what it was. I defended it as a bromance. I couldn’t admit my feelings because I was afraid of being gay – I’d only had crushes on girls before and this felt different and I’d always thought I was straight. After that I developed a crush on a female friend of mine. It was a pretty constant thing for a month. She kissed me on the neck once when she was drunk and it was like a dopamine shot straight to the head. My attraction for my current partner has been different. I know I love her. I know I have been attracted to her physically. I know my male side is interested in her physically. But both of those feelings of romantic and sexual attraction have been inconstant.

    She questions if I’m gay. I question if I’m gay. Her socially savvy mum has decided I’m gay. My gender swings have reduced in frequency since I started coming out to people, which makes me wonder if I’m fluid at all, or only if it is a secret and I try to suppress it.

    I’m trying to see the elephant in the room. I’ve discounted the idea that girls are allowed to be physically affectionate without it being seen as sexual, but that’s not the case for boys, as being a factor in my boy side not being that physically in to her. Maybe I’m wrong and that is the one thing stopping my boy side. But it seems to me that I’m only truly into her when I’m female and with those times reducing in frequency (for reasons I don’t understand yet) I don’t know how our relationship can survive. Am I gay and can’t admit it? Am I pan and there’s something stopping my boy side letting go? Or is it simply that, for whatever stupid reason, my girl side is totally into her but only in terms of it being a lesbian relationship, and my boy side is indifferent? I love her and it’s been a very fruitful relationship for both of us, but I don’t know how to save it or what to do. :tears:
     
  2. Irisviel

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    I thought I wasn't into women, but turned out I was, just only as a girl. Rings any bells? As much as the later parts of your post confuse me a little, that one struck me as very familiar. Sexuality is connected to gender, and if as a man your sexuality is repressed, and flourishing and comfortable and sensual as a woman, to me that's an mtf indicator. Like, one of the biggest things for me was that I can't see myself in a relationship with a woman, even though I like them... then it had become obvious with time that it's only making sense when it's a lesbian relationship. And that with men, I'm also more comfortable as a woman. Does that make sense to you and if you can relate to it at all, well, I offer only my experience. But you seem to me, once more, to be craving to be a woman after all. Just a vibe I get, I don't want to "diagnose" you. Sexuality is a powerful thing, though, and one of the means to be happy, and if it's tied to gender... to me the answer was to be a woman (among other, non sexual factors).

    Also, agender or not, she looks like a woman, especially when naked and when looked at in any sort of a sexual context. So obviously her concerns about being attractive are legitimate, because sexual attraction in the sense of physical traits is about how the body looks, which is female for her. And because female body + agender is closer to female archetype than a male one, then yes, you being attracted to women or not is just as valid as if she identified as simply female, because for the purpose of sexual attraction her lack of gender is largely irrelevant; her personality defines more a sense of your desire to be with her in a prolonged sense. And I hope that your knowledge of my views on non binary stuff do not taint that statement, because I do believe that it's the case regardless of genders being valid or not.