Major victory!

Last night my partner and I had a long chat about my feelings of sexual attraction toward her and the way it's completely messed up by my being genderfluid, specifically that I’m most attracted to her physically when I’m female. At the end of it she surprised me with an explanation for my gender - that I'm running away into femininity because there were a couple of points in the past I recounted where I was told off and essentially believed that I was being blamed for being male, something I could not control, nor was it my fault. In other words, the only way I have felt able to allow myself to fully express my feelings towards other people is not to identify as male, because then all the baggage I have around being a man doesn’t apply. In a lot of ways this fits, not least because recently I did some work into the issues I have with being male and in the period since then she says I have been noticeably more genuinely masculine, and more like a whole person. She thinks I may still continue to switch for a while because it was such a deeply-seated and long-term thing.

Then I woke up this morning. Today I feel very confident and happy with the idea that my partner’s explanation is correct. There’s a lot of evidence to back it up. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt so concretely and comfortably male. At the same time, I’ve never felt more comfortable and more secure in my identity as genderfluid. It’s like I’m finally truly not afraid anymore of being female or not entirely male for a time. When it happens, I can deal with it, and that’s okay. My friends are okay with it. I’m even okay with “they” pronouns for the first time ever. I finally feel valid as a fluid person and I can accept everything which says that’s who I am.

I’ve tried to do some more jam work introspection this morning, and I think I’m finally at the end of the train line. I am a genderfluid person, it’s true. It’s also true that being female or not entirely male can make me feel rubbish from time to time. But the real thing which was stopping me from being comfortable in my identity was the struggle I had with being male. I can be a male who isn’t 100% masculine. I’m not inherently wrong for being male, nor am I automatically a creep for having sexual feelings as a male. At the same time, having a male side does not invalidate times when I’m not male. They’re just different. My gender is fluid and I’m okay. It’s my birthday today, and I think this may be the best present I’ve had in a very long time. :icon_bigg:icon_bigg:icon_bigg (&&&)