So Wednesday I have my first HRT appointment. Oh my god it's actually happening! Ever since calling and making that appointment, I've had what I would consider a very strange mix of emotions. I'm excited as can be, but at the same time I'm terrified. I think the terror comes from the fact that I'm not out to my family yet, and the realization that that next step now has to be undertaken in the next month or so. I'm not giving myself very long, I need to be out ASAP. i'm also terrified that I don't have enough clothes to present anywhere near full time, my hair is still short and being stubborn about it(though I'm mostly impatient so it's just not living up to my insane expectations), I haven't started laser on my beard yet(still looking for a place), and a ton of other stuff. I know I shouldn't fret. My hair will be there before I know it, I'll have a laser place lined up and be getting that, and I'm obviously going to be buying more clothes. I'm also quite terrified that maybe this really isn't a good idea. What if I get a few months in and realize it was all in my head or something? What if I'm not strong enough to handle transitioning? What if I start to regret it after I get too deep in to easily detransition? So many reasons to be scared, yet still so many to be happy. I'm finally going to get to be me. The real me, not the person everybody tells me I am. I will finally start to look the way I've always wanted. I get a body I can be proud of, not one that I feel ashamed of, or grosses me out. I'll soon be able to look in the mirror, and see myself, not a stranger looking back. Everyone will finally get to see the pretty girl I've always been on the inside. Also, BOOBS!(Boobs are a victory for me. I can not tell you how much I've always wanted a pair.) It feels so right. I know this is my path and I have no intention of straying, but do you think my fears are red flags? Are they unjustified?
I remember posts from other trans folk on here just before they started their respective hormones. They usually seem to be like this. It's a huge step that's been building for awhile now. I'd be more concerned if you dove in feet first without a drop of nerves. It's okay to be a bit scared, but I'm sure you'll find that once you've started, they'll begin to subside. That's part of why you have to see someone before you get hormones. They make sure it's the right path for you, because anyone would get nervous before starting on a major life journey. Best of luck, Brooke!
I think you're right. But I still can't shake that feeling that I should be jumping for joy, with no other emotions whatsoever.
After waiting [insert number of weeks/months/years here], it's perfectly okay to be terrified. Suddenly it's not a fantasy, but something you have to live with. Once you start, the fear will likely go away. I tell myself this when I think about one day being on T, because I don't see myself getting scared at all. I'm (usually) not that kind of person. But I'm not there yet, so who knows?
It's kind of like any other huge step I imagine. When I think of getting married I'm mostly excited, but also a bit nervous and jittery. Even though we've been together for years now and I know this is what I want. You'll be okay, Sis.
After reading this I'm getting these feelings a bit early I think. I've not gotten my letter yet but I'm nervous too. I was really nervous in my first therapy session and it took a couple months to even work through my nerves enough to even schedule it, and I was still nervous when I got there for the first session.
Sis, I worry ALL the time about if I'm actually trans. Keep your chin up, love! You'll feel more confident soon.
Brooke, These feelings you are having are normal. I am not binary transgender so I can't speak to that. However, I do believe that in any huge/monumentous event in your life like this there are going to be some doubts and anxiety. It is okay to be scared. It is a big decision. But I am pretty sure that you wouldn't be deciding to do this unless you really wanted to. If you are strong enough to get this far with the process, you will be strong enough for transition. Depending on how long you have had these feelings I don't think you are going to wake up tomorrow and realize you are actually male. Also just as a joke: Gender is all in your head anyway so don't worry.
I've only KNOWN for about six months. But none of the feelings are new, my gender identity was trying to hit me over the head for years. Sixteen as a matter of fact. My therapist said a lot of things I told her line up with the typical experience of someone who is trans, and didn't know it. It's good to know though that my feelings are normal. That alone makes ime eel better. :icon_bigg
excited and terrified!!! oh yes i know exactly how you feel, i made my appointment last week and rode that roller coaster all week, and im still there with the script in my hand. its a huge step, and what we are feeling is perfectly normal. (*hug*)
Yup, we have the same feeling. I'm sure it'll subside, eventually. Let's see how we feel popping our first pills ! (!)
yes. i have to wait because the pharmacist is off for the weekend. but I've waited this long i can do a couple days.
Definitely. I'll likely have to wait a couple weeks to actually get my prescription(blood work and labs have to come back), but I figur a week or two is no biggie. Like you said, waited this long.
