Feeling like everything's falling apart

I feel like I should give some kind of warning, this is a 'not trans enough' post and most of the reasons I list are stereotypes. However, most guys I know fit into them and that's why I feel so different from them. I've already said it before but my school is Christian, everything they say is legal as they're protected by the law. Well, actually, this time I wasn't directly insulted but still. It's more a series of comments that have built up over time and are really making me depressed right now.

Okay, first off, I do not pass at all. Maybe sometimes, a handful of times, I'm briefly mistaken for a biological guy but that's it. I have long hair which I do not cut because I get called a lesbian and being gay is not allowed at school so obviously, I don't want to be mistaken for a gay girl because I will be literally expelled and sent to boarding school by my parents (their words). Only about half my clothes are male, I'm not allowed to buy much male clothing according to my parents, they don't like it and I don't want to be kicked out. I can't exactly bind. I mean, I do but it takes two sports bras, five tank tops and a button-up shirt for my chest to look mostly flat. I don't have a real binder, of course but most of the time, I don't bother with binding because I feel like I'm slowly asphyxiating, get all sweaty and it causes pain because of chronic costochondritis which I got from trying to flatten my chest in the first place :dry:

I don't really look masculine. I feel like in movies, a transman would look masculine to begin with and that's part of how everyone would work it out. Like in the Wandering Son manga, the transgirl looked 'soft' and 'feminine' and people thought something was up. I have wide hips, I'm fairly short and I think I'm a D cup now. No one could ever think I was a guy. I didn't even know what trans was until 14. I feel like if I was really trans, I would've come out at 3 or 4, socially transitioned, gone on blockers and then physically transitioned. You know, I always thought everyone knew I was trans, deep down. I worked really hard to try and 'become a boy.' I took some Physics class and failed miserably, I'd finish every lesson crying because I could never 'be a real boy' since all the boys got it so easily and I just couldn't grasp it. I used to exercise obsessively every day until I thought I'd throw up because I wanted muscle (which I still don't have), to be able to do a push-up (still can't), to lose my breasts and period. I didn't lose my breasts, almost lost the period though.

So I thought everyone saw me as a normal guy until one day, this teacher said something. I really loved this guy, I am not close with my father so this teacher was probably my biggest father figure. But he said something like, "Men are the head of the household and are called to lead over women. That's the way it is, the way God made it and you'll just have to get used to it." I don't even know why I felt so upset by that. I knew it wasn't true but at that moment, it's like I realized I was different and everyone around could see it, that I was a fool this whole time to think my friends saw me as one of them. That no matter how hard I worked, I could never be one of them or as good as them. And I cried for a literal hour and a half that night because I had no friends and literally everything good in my life was a lie, crying over words by the way, probably isn't considered too masculine but I don't know how to re-train myself.

The thing is, I've also been taking advantage of the situation a bit. Last week, I went to a girls' group at school. Really I only went to get free food, air conditioning and to see what all the fuss was about. I kind of felt like a spy infiltrating a secret club since it's 'no boys allowed.' But it was boring anyway and I left when the food was gone. The point is, I don't think a transguy would willingly enter a club for girls. Similarly, I received a badge stating that I am a Student Welfare person for the school which means I need to look after the other students. My first thought was, "Well, at least with a female body I might seem more compassionate." I don't know. I guess it's the stereotype that women are more caring than men and my school relies heavily on stereotyping. Plus, at my school, the guys have to carry heavy things, give up their seats, etc. I would love the opportunity to do so but since I'm not obliged to, I'm happy with getting free seats and just relaxing. And I can try on makeup and dresses without it seeming weird, I did it a handful of times out of curiosity and hated it.

So I've been feeling like I'm not really trans at all but instead a girl with some mental issue. I know I have dysphoria but I just feel so discouraged. I feel like my whole world has come undone and I'm not sure how to fix it. I just want to feel okay with myself.