Dysphoria Blues-FTM

AHHH this is where I come to mind dump about how i feel about bieng trans so forgive me if its long ) feel free to reply with some stuff that causes dysphoria for you or struggles you go through as well

First: Parents

God, parents. You can't hate them but I feel like you can't fully love them either. My parents(mom and stepdad) are religious freaks and they believe that God hates the lgbt community and that its wrong and an abomination. So fun. I present as a male at school, but as a female at home bc my parents are terrible. I was actually outed about a year ago(10 months but who's counting?) by my sister so its been truly a living hell. My parents have called me "disgusting" a "dyke" a "freak" ive nearly heard it all. Its been a while since they have been physical(like 3 months) so thats good at least. I can deal with the namecalling for the most part so thats fine.

But what really irks me about my mom is that i have a sister who is 14 and she does all sorts of things she shouldn't be doing, and when my mom calls her on it its all light talks and apologies.... only for her to do the same thing later. Im invited to these talks about "becoming a woman" *shuddder* *cringe* and PIV sex also again*cringe* *gag* . lol. but thats really it about parents haha


Second: Social Dysphoria

Like I said before, i present male at school so i dont feel much dysphoria there, but when i have to go in public with my family, i feel like crawling in on myself and dying. when a boy looks at me and sees me as i girl i want to scream "HEY NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL IMMA BOY IMMA FREAKING BOY" but no super fun haha

Third: Outing
LET ME JUST SAY I HAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTEEEEEEE WHEN PPL DO THIS. let me expain like when friends introduce me to ppl they say "Oh this is my friend Nick, he is transgender to use he/him" like truly i appreciate you trying to help me but pls dont gosh dont out me like idc if pp know im trans but ike im trying to pass bro chill. if they get my pronouns wrong then correct them.


Fourth: MY FUCKING CHEST
yup my chest. i mean it isnt big. but its enough to be a nuisance and not small enough for doubled sports bras. super fun.


Fifth: my voice
lets just say i sound like Elmo.



so yeah thats it

Nick

 

holy shit
2016
hey man.
its me, nick
16 wow u were literally a kid.
you're so much stronger now. and happier. fuck you're so much happier now.
well you're about to turn 22.
you fucking did it.
you lived.
you fought and you survived.
oh and dont worry abt ur voice, its way fucking deeper now kid