Doubting Yourself

I don't know what studies you're thinking about, but most everyone I've studied with, learned from or read from acknowledge that being trans is VERY social, and a little bit biological. And, that people are very different and no transgender person is the same. In my personal life too, I 100% don't think I'd match any 'biological' research regarding transgender people but that doesn't mean I'm not. So don't worry about that, you're not alone. I used to feel like I wasn't really trans all the time, but as I got older and was more out and vocal about trans things it went away. I think that's something a lot of people deal with!

 

I think a lot of us feel kinda like that. I know I kinda do.

 

The science classes I've taken all tell me (thank you Dr. Dennis Van Gervyn, an expert in the field whom I was lucky enough to study under) that trans is 90 percent biological, caused by a fetus' exposure or lack of exposure of testosterone during the 11th week of pregnancy. It can be a complete lack of testosterone in an XY male, which results in an entirely feminized brain, or a strong and steady wash of testosterone in an XX female, which results in an entirely masculine brain.

According to Dr. Van Gervyn, this is only the most extreme individuals. Most individuals get something in between. A spotty testosterone wash creates a mixed brain - during that week of fetal development, one day it's there, another day it's gone, so different parts of the brain are feminized or masculinized. Or it could be a weak but steady wash, so the parts of the brain are not quite completely one or the other - somewhere in between. Or any mix of strong, weak, and missing.

Yes, there are individuals who end up with trans symptoms for other reasons - traumatic events, mental illness, etc. But they are, by scientific evidence, a minority of trans individuals.

This is what the science says.

 

I've heard about the studies where a trans person's brain is more similar to their preferred gender but it can only be proved after death or something. I too have an irrational fear that if this were provable and there was some sort of test I would fail.

 

I think that everyone at some point is unsure or doubtful of actually being transgender. I have felt that way a few times. I was doubtful: am I just binary trans (FTM) or is am I really bigender? Sometimes I wonder if this is all real or am I just a tom-boy?

Despite any fears or doubts, gender is determined by what you or I individually decide based on what we each feel. Everyone who does decide to question their gender has to come to their own conclusion about what gender they are. Whenever I start to doubt myself about being bigender, I remember that I have had days where i felt male, female, or both and that there are other people just like me.

 

Good question.

Recently I've been thinking along the same lines. There are days when I feel like parts of my body are just wrong (body dysmorphia.) But am I trans? I recently read an article that talked about binding for women who are not transgender and the multitude of reasons why they would choose to do so. Reading that made me think: maybe I am just a tomboy after all. I bind, but not always. Just when I feel like it, or feel dysphoria. I don't like girly things, etc. but that doesn't automatically make me trans. And if I want to appear more masculine I can if I want to. In short I can be myself, however I choose as long as it feels right mentally. Obviously, if I am not going to sleep every night praying to be a guy...I'm probably not trans.

Just some random thoughts...

Sebby

 

Basically what you just described is "bi-gender." Sometimes being all girl is just fine. Other times being a guy seems right (even if your body won't conform). But the idea of a permanent transition is not right at all. I would never give up my girly parts to be a guy forever, but that doesn't mean I don't value my male side.

 

I honestly never doubted myself because I feel so strongly about being in the wrong body.. Does this make me wrong if I'm actually the minority here? Also, I heard twins are more likely to have this, and I am a twin! Is this right? Or just a myth? Does this mean my twin sister might have this too?

 

Hi! I have an identical twin brother but he is cis and heterosexual. He never questioned his gender identity but few years ago he was struggling whether he was gay or not.
I'm a trans woman and lesbian, so even if we are twins we are different.
I hope it helped you

Emma
(she/her)

 

Doubt is healthy. To a certain degree obviously.

 

Often times, I would imagine there has to be others that would feel doubt in their identities in the beginning, but I do wonder/worry sometimes if I'm the only one.

I constantly doubt myself, and worry if I'm just kidding myself about my identity. But sometimes I can have short bursts of confidence, too.
It doesn't help my doubt when I'm constantly switching between labels or am not able to decide on one, because I'm not sure which is most accurate. And it doesn't help that I'm not out to anyone, or even able to currently express myself appearance-wise.

But rest assured, you're definitely not alone obviously.
I'll admit that it's nice to have confirmation that others get the same doubts sometimes, though.

I really hope that one day I'll have more confidence that I'm not just imagining my gender. But until then, I just have to keep reminding myself that my gender identity and pronouns is what makes me feel the most comfortable and most like my authentic self. My mind can't just make these feelings up. My feelings are valid, and I need to trust them more.

Honestly, even if you didn't 'scientifically' pass, it doesn't matter. As long as these feelings are yours', as long as the identity(ies) you choose feels like your authentic self, as long as this is what you feel most comfortable with, than just go with it. Let yourself be you.