How to know if your family is a security risk

They are in denial. And the border for what proof they demand goes further by every step I do. Birthname this, birthname that although I confided them in with my real name which I regret now because in case it turns out for the worse I will have to pick another one. It's always ohh if you were it would be okay, but nooo it can't be you. At first they even accused the doctor of being incompetent and untrustworthy because it wasn't found that I have some physical illness that says I'm not. Later they distanced themselves for it and blamed it on a misunderstanding.

I have a bad feeling about this.

What would you do? My plan is to get a letter from my therapist with the diagnosis, put it in a place at home for them to see and wait in the next bigger city. In case the reaction is bad I would have to flee.

What would you do? Am I overreacting? Have you had similar stories? How did they turn out?

 

Do they use violence at all? Is it how they deal with problems? Are they homophobic? If yes, then I'd say be afraid make sure you're safr. If no, it should be ok imo.

It is quite normal for families to have a hard time acceptiong transgender family members. Maybe they don't know how to cope with that and fear about you too. For one it takes time to get used to the thought that you're not a daughter but a son,and some families or family members never get it, for two they fear the transition and fear how people are going to react.

 

No violence but we don't have a good arguing culture. I never heard anything homophobic from them. We agreed to not make a big thing out of it, so that can't be the matter.

I just wonder how long it will take...

 

What do you mean by a bad arguing culture?

---------- Post added 10th Feb 2017 at 04:55 AM ----------

If they don't deal with problems in ways that might be risky, just in general, the chances are they will deal with your being trans in the same way as usual. Of course someone might overreact to somehting, but within the usual bounds of overreacting.

 

We get loud and it gets personal rather fast. No insults, but things like guilt tripping.

The question is more: Can I deal with it? Live years and years being seen as something I am not? My usual strategy is not quite the best. Have a drink, work a lot and pretend everything was alright.

 

So you might fairly expect them to guilt trip you. Not pleasant but not bad either.

Sure, you can. Being seen as someone else doesn't do harm and I wouldbe tempted to say a lot of people have that problem, not only trans people. The reasons vary. The point being - do you care about it? Do you have to care? Do those strangers you meet everyday care? Don't think so.

 

It was midly annoying before. But after I heard someone use my real name the same thing happened as when I started to wear men's clothing. I can't go back. I know that once I join a university we will have less contact so hopefully it's not that bad.

I usually don't mind to act and play a role. But I hate this role with a passion that could kill a thousand armies.

I can't tell currently if you're right or not. Caring is a disadvantage, indeed. And believing someone would be an ally seems to be pretty stupid now.

---------- Post added 10th Feb 2017 at 04:20 PM ----------

What I definitely need is some healthy coping mechanisms. Otherwise I will lose control. Bad habits are hard to fight...

 

You don't have to act the role. You don't need to play along with them.

Often people want to help, they just don't know how or don't understand us.

What kind of bad habits? I mean, I didn't get good coping mechanisms at home, I learnt everything on my own, so you can do it. It just requires some work but it's doable. Closer examination of it all helps to remove the bad things at their root.

 

If I play along or not, it doesn't matter. Being birthnamed is kinda like being called Hitler.

It's the drinking I worry about. An unsual need for an escalation once a month, probably not healthy but easy to control. Against problems though it's shit. I'm not gonna lose my parties for that. I'm not gonna lose my youth for that. I had a phase where I was constantly drunk for 2 weeks straight. I know how hard it was to return to a normal habit. Never fucking again.

 

Ugh. Bad. The alcohol. Do you have a chance to get therapy? It's hard what you describe because it's not just a habit, at least it looks like that to me, it's a way of letting out tension. So now you either have to find a better way to let it out, or find where the tension is coming from, or probably both. The better way of letting it out might be a bit more... like facing the problem where it is, not bottling it. I'm no therapist, though, just someone who had greater stress coping problems than I have now.

https://thebodyisnotanapology.com/m...y-dysphoria-for-gender-queer-and-trans-folks/
That's in the topic of gender but I just read it recently, and there's a lot of ways to cope with stress mentioned in there. Also the site Loner Wolf has some useful tips if you look for them.

 

I know why I need my escalations once in a while and there is no other way to solve it.

According to the other occasions, I just have to get proof as fast as possible. I will ask my therapist for a letter describing that I am actually transgender.

Therapy? Like AA or shit? Hello my name is Seth and I'm everyone's favorite part-time alcoholic and you are fucking boring thank you very much. As long as I function, I won't move my butt anywhere near something like that.

Some of it is actually useful. Like doing something for my looks. Puts me in gentleman mode.

Loner Wolf, isn't that the page for unhappy introverts?

---------- Post added 10th Feb 2017 at 06:20 PM ----------

Oh no, it's not the unhappy introverts it's Bonnie and Clyde recruiting playthings.

 

Maybe there are other ways to solve it, they are just difficult to achive "just like that" or you don't ser them or don't know how to do it. Been there, done that. That's what therapists are for. Also, you don't need to go to AA if it doesn't suit you. Or group therapy. You can work one on one with someone. A lot of people go to therapy, and they just don't talk about it, you don't need to tell anyone, maybe except gor closest family, either. It's your business.

Loner Wolf - probably, ha ha, I don't know how I found it, it was long ago. I found some of the articles interesting. And teah, I'm an unhappy introvert, ha ha. Yeah, I'm glad at least some of that is helpful.

 

The reason is not an illness. And it works. Why change a thing? All I need is acceptance, a name change and some T Then the problem drinking will fade.

Yeah, but I mean look at the introduction. Cool names. Destiny brought you here blabla awake blabla the normal sheeple blabla.

 

Whetever Don't judge the book by the cover. They had something of value there. Like that thing about isolating yourself from your thoughts and feelings. Takes practice but decreases stresses by a ton.

Works? You call having an alcohol problem "it works"? You don't have to be ill to go to therapy. The way you deal with stuff is impacting you negatively, that's enough of a reason. A lot of people use a psychologist's help in difficult situations like divorce. Just even take a look around the later in life section on EC. There is no shame in making your life happier and healthier.

 

I have a job. A well developing project. I will go to university soon.

The too regular drinking stops once the problems are gone. The frequency is not that great, in general like without problems it's okay. I did great improvement in the last years. I went from right on the edge to probably behaving a little more stupid than average.

Nothing against therapists in general, but me, they make me miserable.

 

I'm not tryimg to pressure you into anything, but why do they make you feel miserable?

Yeah, yeah, I know that, I do different things but the problems with me emerge when there is a bad situation to begin with too. But difficult situations arise and will arise, such is life, and you probably have to work on how you deal with them. I hope I don't have to explain why drinking is bad. I mean, not morally bad, you're just harming yourself.

 

Because I need to handle stuff alone. I will take the blame for maneuvering myself into the shit but not the confidence from getting out of it. I mean what about the generations before? They had it even harder and didn't have to run to someone to cry. I rather wanna be like them.

Yep, it's unhealthy. Smoking kills. Chocolate gets you diabetes. Sex gives you annoying things to care for. If it's a few years for a vacation every now and then, I take it. But I should control it though...

 

Previous generations didn't have electricity or antibiotics either. Or glasses. Therapy is not about having a shoulder to cry on. It is about managing yourself. And the viewpoint you're voicing leads many men to suffer from depression quietly, not seek help with it, not get help with it, and eventually commit suiscide much more often than women do. Therapy can help you be assertive and confident, keep your ground, and solve problems this way. That's not being a whimp. That's Master Yoda style

 

Most of my self-improvement I did alone. Therapy just said: It's okay to not take charge of your life. There's a joke: A man goes to the therapist: "I always pee in my pants when I talk to a woman. Please help me!" After a few meetings the man has success. "Oh doctor, I feel so much better now!" - "Soo did you stop peeing in your pants?" - "no, but it doesn't bother me anymore!"

 

No, it's not. Maybe you spoke to the wrong therapist. The therapist would be unprofessional to take care ober someone's life.

You can joke about it, but being bothered too much really drives people crazy.

But sure, not all therapists are good. Just like there are bad professionals of any kind.

I mean, of course a therapist won't do the work for you. A therapist can help but you have to work on your problems alone. A lot of people are disappointed by that They come to get their problems solved effortlessly, and are very disappointed.

But when I understand where you're coming from with not asking others for help, because I feel the same way, there are situations in which asking for help is appropriate. That's a skill too.