Sorry for the weird english. :/ Again, doubts . I'm trying to justify things in other way than with being non cisgender. If taken singularly, these things can be found in some women, but all together? - Wishing a lower voice > lower voices are more fascinating and sound more adult on both men and women (but I wouldn't mind being a baritone. xD The lower, the better.) - Trying to hide the sexualized nature of my chest > butches can do it too, maybe? Some of them wear binders… I don't hate it per se, just don't want it to be seen in public. - Completely disliking "female" gender roles > feminist rebellion? (Yes, about the rage. But how about the sadness? Bitterness and sadness) - Not wanting to bear children so that the body won't be temporarily feminized > ? - «I'm not like [women/girls]!» > internalised misogyny (if for negative things) or low self exsteem (if for positive things) - Having fantasies about early menopase or hysterectomia or breast cancer > now explain me THIS .___. Psycanalitic issues? Craziness? Self-injury fantasies? - «I'm different, a group of only girls makes me feel uncomfortable» > "special snowflake" mania - Wishing to live at least one day, somewhere where nobody knows me, as another gender (I can't say the word "man", huh. You stupid denial.) > ? Curiosity - Using male endings and pronouns > connecting with all humanity rather than just one part? (in Italian grammar, masculine means "male" or "neutral") - That fat where it should not be… > anorexic tendencies. (But I wouldn't mind being a man who is not thin.) - My face is too rounded and delicate. I take photos so that it looks more squared. > weird estetical tastes about oneself. Wanting to look more adult. I could go on and on, but I don't want to bore you with a long looong list. Maybe I should write to myself a kind of "pros and cons" list. But why? I would doubt till the end anyway. Considering myself non cisgender doesn't make my life easier. Some problems grow like under a lent. But it's like having the diagnose of an incurable disease: you can't be cured, but at least you "know the name of what you are". If I consider myself cisgender, I remain a miserable individual who has a lot of weird issues about their body and social life without a possible explanation or solution, without people of the same condition. I just want to hide my head under the sand, sometimes… and pretend I discovered nothing.
First, gender identity and expression are not the same so you could be a masculine presenting cis-gendered person. However, if you feel you are not cis but you don't know how you feel that's okay. You can play with labels and choose many or none. And if you think you figured it out but your feelings change, that's normal too. I ended up thinking I was three different things before I landed on how I identified. And if it's easiest, you can always just identify as not cis. I hope I helped.
Everything in the quote above is pretty much within the realm of "normal" for a masculine woman. If those were the only feelings you had that made you think you weren't cisgender, I would encourage you to keep questioning and exploring your feelings. That being said, everything in the quote below really doesn't sound typical for a woman. In fact, I'd say they're all pretty typical of a trans man. The doubt might never go away, but I'm going to tell you right now that I, personally, don't think you're cisgender. If that resonates with you, and if you think I might be right, run with it. Ignore the doubts as best you can and start accepting yourself for who you are. Take baby steps, and remember that until you make permanent decisions (e.g. hormones, surgery), you can always change your mind. If you decide right now to start calling yourself transgender, that's a really easy decision to un-make. All you would have to do is edit the gender section of your bio. If you start identifying yourself as male online, you can always switch back. If you come out to a couple people and then decide that's not making you more comfortable, you can always tell them to switch back to how they used to refer to you. And, of course, if none of what I'm saying resonates with you or feels accurate, ignore me. I'm a stranger on the internet giving you advice based on one post. If it doesn't feel right to you, I'm probably not right.
