I just sorta want to be a guy in some weird way huh

I watch so many transguy videos and sometimes it makes me feel weird. I dunno what reason I can give for having started like a year ago but their so fascinating and also all the trans youtubers seem like such great people who I'd wanna be friends with.

Anyway, I have weird thoughts about gender to a certain extent. When I was a little kid I wanted to be a boy and I tried to find my penis and I only hung out with boys and I tried to make my voice sound a bit lower. I liked my long hair but other than that, a kid that could seem pretty trans. My mother even expressed mild concern in retrospect. I like grew out of it when I changed schools and ended up with female friends, and when people stopped buying me clothes even though I was growing because I wouldn't wear them - I caved. After that gender didn't mean much to me and I did make some effort to be a bit more of a girl - I hid my masculine hobbies to a certain extent because I felt like other girls would judge me, I conformed to the basic female fashion trends (no dresses but not wearing the menswear I admired in catalogues), I was weirdly aware of the way I sat... - and yeah it all seemed quite irrelevant to me even though puberty was happening. Nobody seemed to ever beleive my breasts were as big as they were. I guess in my clothes they didn't show much, and it always took me ages to buy new bras when they grew. I was wearing like a B bra on a D cup for a while. I just wasn't paying much attention it really wasn't on my mind. 16-18 I've managed to chill out, stop worrying about being judged and embrace the fact that I love wearing menswear and I have masculine hobbies I'm gonna let that be known. I have had moments where I felt so madly compelled to cut my hair "boyshort" as i was saying and even tried to do it myself but chickened out. And most importantly, I'v been really reconecting with my younger kid self.

Its the reconnecting with the younger self partly that makes me feel weird. Like I wasn't uncomfortable as a kid but I waaaaaaaanted to be a boy. As I grew up I didn't care at all but I really did then. And another thing that bothers me is sexuality. Sometimes I feel like I want to date women so much more than men because I want to be the man. Like I sort of consider myself bi but I felt way more into men back when I was a early teen and I wasn't ever actually faced with the reality of interacting with guys in that way. I used to back then, imagine my whole life when I would be reincarnated as a really cool masculine gay man. I just feel like most people don't spend as much time as I did thinking about that. Though I did think about various futures for myself as female too. But yeah was that all just about me wanting to be a guy and I'm actually just into girls thats why I feel more that way now, or is my aversion to guys now because I can't feel right in that female role... So yeah anyway, now I wanna date women and I'm called "butch" sometimes, which is super weird to me because I don't feel butch... like I feel like this lost young boy... not butch and strong and shit. And another thing is I'm starting to get annoyed with my boobs ruining all my clothes - switching to menswear made me feel way more confident but now that sort of pisses me off a little occasionally, but tbh I think they look good on me when naked in certain poses at least, and so I feel weird about crushing them with a binder or something.

Anyway, I find this to be a weird way of being. Like, it doesn't bother me being female, and I've never been one to be negative about my body, I'm generally not one to pay any mind to anything that could distress me, because I don't see the point, so I would just sorta be the rock of my neurotic female friends, like the one who wanted a nose job because her nose was too Asian. I just don't feel any particular discomfort, though often when I think about this stuff it makes me weird and anxious. I just find it weird how much I have thought over my life about wanting to be a guy. And sometimes I watch the transguy videos with some sort of thought in my head similar to "Its so cool that they can become guys" (i know you don't really become a guy, you just are, but its not a thought that coherent, that's just the general idea).

I dunno recently I'm going around in my head a bit like heh I'm like a little boy, that's just how I see myself a lot. I have no confidence in being butch and I always feel like in the context of lesbianism, I feel sorta desperate for a gf who will just affirm me in this masculine role. Why do I need that? Or perhaps I'm just lonley cos yeah I suck at making friends. But in terms of transguys, I don't see why I would go through any of that I don't really dislike my body, and that just seems like such a strange dramatic thing to do.

I don't want you to give me some sorta non binary identity. I just feel weird about shit. And thus this post is fucked and makes no sense. Its also the middle of the night and my eeeeyes hurt. Maybe I wish I knew someone a bit like me in female masculinity, because often I feel like this weirdly too masc but also not how people expect me to be... urgh I dunno what I'm saying.

---------- Post added 16th Feb 2017 at 01:33 AM ----------

Ugh i meant to do that anonymously. Whatever

---------- Post added 16th Feb 2017 at 01:43 AM ----------

Nobody like quote me on this rubbish in the future or respond in reference to this in one my many "I'm a tomboy and I'm fine with being female" comments, those will probably reappear when I'm in a better mood.