I have to admit something. I am afraid. I am incredibly scared. A month ago I was certain I had figured out who I am. And now I am right in the middle of doubting again. I might be a guy after all. I might be in denial. In might have chosen to identify as nonbinary because I can do this without having to change much in my life. Or I might just doubt my identity because some part of my brain still hasn't accepted that I don't have to pick one of two binary genders. I haven't even told most of my friends that I am nonbinary yet. Only my sister and four other people know. I tell myself that I don't mind coming out to more people. But I do. I tell myself that I am strong and brave. But I am not. I am just a weird kid who's scared of awkward conversations and of getting told that I can't be who I am. That I don't exist. I lie to myself because it hurts to accept how weak I am. There are so many things I don't know and so many contradicting clues about my gender identity. I watched lala-land recently and all I could think about was how much I wanted to look like Ryan Gosling and be able to wear a button down and trousers without my female figure showing. And how much I'd hate looking like Emma Stone. But I don't know if I'd like to be a man. I know I'd hate the gender norms. My society tolerates a lot more "masculine" behaviour in women than "feminine" behaviour in men. I can do the things I like and wear the clothes I want to wear without many people objecting to it. I'm really grateful for that. I know it's gender norms and not gender identity. But still... Wouldn't a transguy be happy if his body suddenly turned male? I think something would still feel off if I were born male. It would feel like a part of me was missing. Like I wasn't complete. But how can I know for sure? I can't. I'd love to be in a male body for a week or so to see how it would feel. All I know is that my body is wrong the way it is at the moment. I have no idea how it would have to be to feel right. I am not even sure if I like binding. It makes me look much younger and my proportions seem all messed up. I am also a very rational person and I just can't stand the thought of doing something that could possibly harm my body. Same thing goes with other procedures that would make me look more masculine. I would not like to take Testosterone because I think that looking male is not worth having to inject stuff every week and risk liver damage. And I don't know if I'd like the changes. I have no idea if I'd feel 'right' in a 'gender-neutral' or a male body. Everything just seems too much right now. I would love to just switch my thoughts off for a while. I know I don't need a label. But I as much as I try not to care, the doubts just come back. I seem to have lost touch with who I am. I am not even sure what I am asking for from you. I guess I just need someone to talk or relate to. Everybody I know in real life thinks I am strong and happy. Because that's what I let them see. Sometimes I feel like an actor. How can I learn to be more open and accept that I am vulnerable?
1) Can I? *big hug* 2) <<I am just a weird kid who's scared of awkward conversations and of getting told that I can't be who I am. That I don't exist.>> This is normal. It's normal to be scared that you won't be accepted or validated if you come out. Maybe you just need time and come out some time later, when you feel more ready. 3) <<But I don't know if I'd like to be a man. I know I'd hate the gender norms. >> You can always transition and then fight gender norms. Many cis people do that so bravely. And also trans people. There are <<femme>> transguys (they define themselves that way) and tomboyish transwomen. [There are transmen who enjoy doing drag queen! Like "I don't care, I am so much a man that even pretending for one night I'm a woman doesn't bother me".] 4) <<I think something would still feel off if I were born male. It would feel like a part of me was missing. Like I wasn't complete.>> I've heard some trans people say (I mean… I read some trans people writing xD) that being assigned another gender at birth is part of their identity and they wouldn't change it. Living or kind of living or trying to live as the gender assigned to them has given them experiences that they cherise as precious. 5) <<How can I learn to be more open and accept that I am vulnerable?>> If you cover your vulnerability under fake self-exsteem before yourself in the mirror, your strenght will have no firm foundation. Only if you dive deeply in your vulnerability you can find a streght that doesn't fade even in the weakest moments. Only if you dive in your vulnerability you can become later a guide for someone who's feeling vulnerable: because you will understand them. ---------- Post added 18th Feb 2017 at 08:03 PM ---------- Edit: actually, they cherise the experiences of transitioning, I mean, of achieving something they were not born with, of finding freedom to follow a non-obvious path. Even only socially transitioning.
Thank you very much Crisalide that was really helpful and uplifting. I'm feeling better now though I am not much closer to knowing who I am. I guess I just need more time to figure things out. And I need to learn that it's okay to not be okay all the time.
I went through this stage, too, several times last year. "Am I really non-binary/genderfluid or am I just too scared to admit I'm binary trans?" Just in the past fortnight I've had my feelings stirred up again by my brother who doesn't believe me, but this time in the other direction: "Am I actually cis?" I have to admit, when I settled on genderfluid last year I thought I'd won the trans jackpost - I didn't have to change anything outwardly if I didn't want to or didn't feel safe. But the reality is your inner person will show through even if you fight it. You could try two different ways of addressing the confusion. Either observe yourself over time, or tackle it directly. Today I chose the latter to sort it once and for all. I wrote down a list of worries. When that wasn't good enough I did two more lists: first, the case for being cis but having used non-binary as a method of stepping back so I could sort my issues around masculinity, and second, the case for being trans. The cis list was longer but both had their merits and there was some crossover. Okay, that's not good enough. I realised that for me it's about gut feelings rather than an academic exercise of finding rational, scientific proof. The final test was to imagine myself in three different scenarios: identifying as cis, then genderfluid, then as a binary trans woman. In the first scenario I was happy for about a minute, but then the meat safe girl who represents my femininity started crying and protesting. I felt a fight going on inside me, and as if I were surgically removing a part of who I am as a person. I told the meat safe girl I could be as feminine as I liked without punishment, but it didn't work - she simply wasn't happy and felt imprisoned and that I was going backwards. Okay, so that's not good. In the second scenario I felt right. The meat safe girl felt free and happy. I felt complete. I felt free to express who I am, not because I'm using genderfluid as an excuse to do what I want but because it meant I was acknowledging all parts of my identity. It made a lot of sense of previous experiences which would otherwise be difficult to explain. In the third scenario I felt happier still because the meat safe girl was getting more validation, but I knew that it would be short-lived. There is a definite male aspect to me and sooner or later that would kick the door down and I'd be miserable. It also makes less sense of past experiences. I concluded that I really am non-binary and more specifically genderfluid. I'm not happy identifying as cis and I'm not happy identifying as binary trans. Both are jail cells in their own ways. That said, there are times when I'm definitely male, definitely female, and definitely either androgynous (some kind of mix) or somewhere on the scale between male and female. That makes me happiest, it makes the most sense and it makes me feel most whole. And, you know, once you've felt one earthquake you never really trust the ground again, especially when (in my case) denial aggravates your switches. I think it's perfectly normal to be confused over whether you have the right label. Just remember that the label has to fit you, not the other way around. (*hug*)
That sounds like a good plan. I hate waiting so facing my problems directly seems to be the right strategy at the moment. Let's see if it helps Also, thanks a lot for your reply. It helps to just know that I am not the only one going through this. Being stuck in the middle is way harder than it seems in the beginning, isn't it?
Yeah, it can be. For me one of the suckier things about being nonbinary and fluid is that there's societal roles and places for men and women but not for people who don't really fit exclusively or at all in those boxes. I empathise with you for feeling scared, too - for me last year once I realised I wasn't cis things suddenly went out of control and I didn't know where they were heading. Very uncomfortable when that uncertain thing is a core part of my identity. My partner uses the process: baggage and projections –> articulate the problem –> work out what you’re going to do about it –> be kind to yourself, which is what I did in my example above in a slightly less structured way. It can be quite tough to do, especially in the case of gender because it has an impact on literally every aspect of your life, but the process works for me.
Hat's earlier post (the one before this) really resonated with me. I think that being in the middle is the hardest thing because we don't exclusively fit into a societal box. So I can say I have tried the whole write down and observe yourself over time... and it does work to help self validate a little. However, sometimes I still have days where I doubt my identity still and it has been about 4 months or so since I decided to start identifying/questioning my gender. Maybe it is just dysphoria, but some days I end up doubting things and feeling like i just want to say "is this all real? or a phase where I am really a binary gender (binary trans or cis). Just like Hats, when I found my label of bigender, I was so excited about it and felt like I finally knew what was going. But fast forward, and now I feel like I still am trying to figure things out. Living life changing genders is confusing, and can be scary. But I think that what would be scarier is living your life in the middle and not exploring this. I think the longer I live with my label and live in my label, the more confident I will feel with being bigender. I may end up trying Hats suggestions about facing your issues directly, and maybe that will help me to get over some of my doubts. The system Hat's partner has seems simple but good.
I so relate to this post and being 30 and just realizing this makes me not only question if I'm cis female, but more tomboyish, non-binary/genderqueer/genderfluid, agender, or even sometimes questioning if I might want to be a trans man...which seems the least likely, but I also question if I'm having some kind of quarter-life identity crisis. I had been pretty set on identifying as genderfluid as I feel most like I go somewhere between female and agender or non-binary, but then I came across some post where someone was talking about having been convinced they were a trans man and then realized a little while later they had just been under extreme stress and came to this idea, which turned out to be completely false. I just wish there was an easy way to figure this all out, especially because I've thought for a couple years now that I'm attracted to women, but haven't come to a firm conclusion on that matter either so my mind is one big jumbled mess. One of the things I tried is doing some stream of consciousness writing and just write out everything i'm feeling/thinking even if it isn't in any kind of concise manner. I can't offer much help, but hope it helps to know you're not alone. Also, i just saw La La Land yesterday and had the EXACT same thought...definitely am not a girly girl
You did help I think it's really important that we are honest about our doubts. I tend to keep them secret sometimes and one reason is that I feel kind of obliged to my nonbinary identity. I am worried people will use it as 'proof' that nonbinary genders don't really exist. That's why hearing(reading) the experiences of other nonbinary individuals is extremely validating. I wish you all the best with figuring yourself out as well. I know that feeling when your mind is a jumbled mess all too well. I felt the same back in October. Though I am nowhere near having myself completely figured out, I am in a much better place now. The big confusion will eventually pass. It sounds like you're on a good track with the writing.
In my opinion, the more cisgender people hear about real, concrete stories of trans people (binary or not), the better. This will lessen stereotypes and make stick out "stories and not narratives". Cisgender people will know that physical transition can last years and is not such an obvious or obligatory choice, that not everyone <<knows>> since childhood, that self discovery is a path covered with doubts, that anyone near them might be trans, closeted or stealth, I mean, that they are not "rare and distant". Your experience is worth being shared as anyone else's.
