I have been living as a male for 2 years now. I first started feeling like I was a male when I saw boys online and seeing what it was like to be a boy. People would ask me how i felt when I went through puberty (if I hated it) but to be honest I don't even remember thinking about the fact I was going through puberty. i dont remember thinking about if my breasts had grown it just didnt concern me. I remember having short hair always in a bob, I never liked it long. I remeber telling people when I was younger that " I was a tomboy" and that i wasnt a girl. When I remember the past I dont remember ever viewing life as a boy or as a girl I just remember the memories as " me " and I cant actually remember how I felt about myself and if I even felt like a boy or a girl. Now I feel comfortable looking as a boy, I love looking strong and i guess youd say like a "hot" male. I feel comfortable when I bind and I dont like people seeing my chest at all, only at home. I like it when I act girly sometimes and I am okay with my voice but I dont like people hearing it incase they think im weird and theyre like " what are they ". I dont feel a connection with my chest I acknowledge it but I dont pay attention to it and I forget I have it most the time. If I was born with a penis and a flat chest (as a male ) I would be happy but I dont feel extremely hateful about my genitals. Sometimes ill get waves of dysphoria really hard and then sometimes I wonder if I should just live as a female. When I get called male pronouns I feel like im not being myself and I feel fake in public. I feel like im acting and I'm not myself. When it comes to sex I dream that I have a penis when im having sex but sometimes I dream and I have a vagina it is weird. I dont think i feel like a girl but then at the same time sometimes I will get doubts and my head is like " are you sure youre a boy ? " or " are you sure youre doing the right thing ? ". I live confused I just want to know who I am because i feel like how am I supposed to move on in life when I dont even know who I identify as inside. Thats the basics of society and socialising.
To me some of this resonates with how I identify... I am Bigender. I identify sometimes as female, sometimes as male, and sometimes as both. I can understand feeling like you sometimes identify with male genitalia and sometimes with female genitalia... I would suggest maybe looking at genderfluid and bigender or nonbinary/genderqueer labels for gender possibly. Good luck!
I really relate to what you're feeling. This really resonates with me! I've been going in circles about my gender for a while, and nothing seems to feel quite right. I'm identifying as nonbinary since it's an umbrella term but I honestly strongly feel like a guy a lot of the time and kind of want to transition. I feel like every time I start to feel comfortable in myself, my gender/perception of it will pull the rug out from under me and its like.., back to square one. Sadly I can't really help ya here, but I empathize, and I'm wishing you luck on your gender journey
