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Strange feelings, may possibly be Trans

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Charlie Ink, Feb 23, 2017.

  1. Charlie Ink

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Hello EC, I've been lurking this site for the better part of 6 or so years. Never really posting and mostly finding advice to cope with my depression.

    But enough of that. The reason I'm posting is because of these strange feelings I've been having for the past few months.

    First, some background. I'm twenty one years old, male and bisexual. Six or so months ago I was in a mental hospital for threatening with suicide after two years of ongoing depression. Family didn't believe me until I was screaming that I want to die at the top of my lungs on the day I was institutioned.

    I was depressed for many reasons, lack of friends or any meaningful relationships, never dated and I hated my guts. I hated everything about me. How I was weak and an unfit male (I'm not the strongest one. I'd hazard a guess that I'm among the weakest of my peers) and various other appearance issues.

    After the hospital, I've grown to accept myself and am no longer really angry or disgusted by what I am.

    While I was still in highschool, I had a phase of wanting to love women as a woman but it was short and hasn't appeared again since. But now I feel it has returned but I no longer want to love women as a woman, but both male and female. I don't buy the sex/gender distinction, never have, but I do see that it has some weight to it after all.

    There are many reasons that make me believe that I'm much different than the standard male.
    I cannot bear to wear male scents (I'd rather smell of vanilla or something girly than whatever my peers wear these days), My mind 'chafes' at times with my 'form' and gives me a sense of unease and disharmony, I dislike most male behavior and cannot get myself to act as such, my perception of myself isn't that of a male but something else which I think is somewhere in-between male and female. It's not intentional but rather natural in origin.

    The only reason why I don't buy women's clothes is because it wouldn't fit my appearance (I'm a slender male but haven't the face and the bodyhair makes it impossible to crossdress even if I wanted to) and because I'm forced to wear male clothing, even though I haven't much love for it.

    I don't feel like I belong in most male spheres because of my meek and usually emotional attitude. My father has asked me more than once if I'm an actual man or a woman to which I can only answer that I'm not a man.

    I feel trapped in these expectations of being a male, which I cannot fulfill because that is not who I am. Whenever If have the chance, I try to represent myself with female or adrogynous personas, never really male. There are also many other feelings in this mix that I'm not sure if I want to share atm.

    The weaker of the reasons, I guess, would be how my subconscious self looks like. In my dreams, I'm rarely, if not never, a male. Always something in between or a female. Like I said, it can be nothing.

    So yeah, this is what I can get off the top of my head. :help: