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Questions...

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Xey, Feb 23, 2017.

  1. Xey

    Xey
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2016
    Messages:
    26
    Likes Received:
    13
    Location:
    Ohio
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    For a long time but mainly the last few years I've had questions doubts and concerns that have been troubling me, I have some things I have tried to work out on my own but I need other thoughts. So I am mostly sure that I am trans but Ive had concerns.. Like I know that I prefer being refered to as a girl and I've always known inside something wasnt quite right but it took a while to realize what, when someone says "he" or "him" I get annoyed and I have a huge issue with certain "parts", when I think of myself living as a woman it makes me smile but when I look in the mirror I dont see "me" ect ect... But I have had doubts... So many people seem to know from a young age for absolute certain but I took a while to connect the dots and even then I had doubts I had to work through... does this mean im not really trans? It just seems like everyone who is trans is so easily certain but then theres me worrying about all the small things (yes I have OCD), But for the most part I just know if I could change what I was born as I would do it in a heartbeat... I think of all the work I would need to do to transition and money and time and get depressed thinking "Why couldnt I have just been born the proper way so I wouldnt have to deal with the drama?) Also I havnt been able to tell anyone due to some of my friends and my entire family here is pretty much Anti everything "Very religious" Anti womens rights... Anti LGBT.... the whole nine yards, And im pretty much 100% certain coming out wouldnt end well, and if/when I can transition it will obviously come up eventually... Also they dont know that Im Bi, which I also have kept secret... An example of what I mean could be a while back I told them that I was an Atheist and ever since they have been wanting me to "change my mind" because they strongly believe that Im making a mistake... I dont feel like making even more drama... So should I ever come out to my family or just continue to hide it? Sorry for a long post but I had a lot to write, tried to keep it as short as I could. Any thoughts would be appreciated :slight_smile:
     
  2. Myles Kramer

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2017
    Messages:
    97
    Likes Received:
    10
    Location:
    Middle of Missouri
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hey Xey (*hug*),

    You're right all of the work that goes into transitioning is going to take time and emotional labor. When that labor is going to include actively defending yourself against the societally built in unit of "support" that is "family" you need to feel sure and get prepared to be your own source of solidarity.

    I'm kind of bittersweet validated to hear someone feeling the same doubts about "always knowing".. I'm fairly new to CONSCIOUSLY allowing myself to be genderfluid. When I was a kid I hated seeing/ hearing about falling in love stories because I was just so ashamed that I couldn't be any of the girls in any of the stories and scared for the future-- I had my hair cut in a bob and would wear it in front of my face so no one could be sure of what I looked like-- just this and that coping mechanisms and feelings I kept hidden bc I didn't want to deal with them. You've come so far already by personally recognizing who you are. Its really hard to put that together on your own when no one gives you the language to question your gender or the permission to experiment without consequences.

    You've already gotten to the point of labeling and internally recognizing a huge part of who you are. I don't feel ready to transition yet because I have anorexia and I want to be able to build muscle and look a little bit more the way I feel and see if I feel right so I can be SURE before I come out and make more obvious changes. The thought that have a plan to test this has been keeping me going on a day to day basis. Its okay that I don't know for sure if transitioning and coming out is the right choice for me when I wake up and put clothes on in the morning and I'm okay with waiting. So I guess my experience is that just taking an element of my questioning and working towards one goal at a time has changed my outlook on myself.

    You can't control your family and what they will think of and do to you, but if that means staying in the closet until you have some more freedom from them, you should try not to let them control what you think of yourself 24/7. Take any baby steps that you can.

    Lots of love,

    (&&&)