I've kinda gotten trapped back into the closet. I've stopped correcting pronouns or my name. I've kind of given up hope on being who I want to be. You see, as I have mentioned a long while back on here, I am disabled and am in a situation where transitioning is not an option. I have to rely on other people. I have had to accept that I cannot live on my own. I know for a fact I would be on my own if I were to transition. I've been pushing myself back into the closet more because I've come to realize that if I could be any gender I wanted to, look anyway I wanted to, be who I wanted to be, I would be a man. I see cis men and I'm like "That's what I want to be." I've gotten so depressed over this. I was doing okay for a while changing my pronouns to they/them to those who would be okay with that, changing my clothing, and shortening my birth name to a more gender neutral name. But, as time has gone on, it's been weighing on me more... I've been trying to do what I can find to cope. I just feel like I'm going to be trapped in a being that doesn't feel me.
I am very sorry to read this, and my heart goes out to you. But please, continue to persevere. While now may not be an option, that does not mean you can never be yourself. I do not know what kind of disability you are dealing with, but there are resources and there is a way to overcome anything. Keep fighting until you are independent and stable, then through to your transition. There is always hope. I understand at least in part how it feels to be stuck and unable to be independent. I deal with mental health issues and Aspergers and it can be confusing and exhausting at times. When I came out, I was forced back in the closet by my parents. But I not give up on living authentically, because it wouldn't be living otherwise. And I hope you find the will to continue as well. It is going to be alright. You can get through this. You do not have to accept a life that is wrong. Live each day at a time and focus on always moving forward, even if you're starting at a crawl.
