Hi All, I made this entry into my blog today, but will re-post it here because I need some help deciphering the experience and feelings involved. If you see my other blog posts, you may notice that this theme of doubt and uncertainty is very common in my life right now, but until this point I had vaguely thought myself some form of trans, either bigender or genderfluid. Now I'm not sure again. "Recently I became convinced that there's no masculinity in me at all - I couldn't stop thinking, "you're not a man". "There's nothing there, inside". "You're a lie". And it felt like someone had died. The grief was so powerful, so overpowering. It was exhausting. It made my stomach ache, like when I get stressed or have a breakdown. This was during a meditation experience, of course. I looked inside myself and all I saw was my own femininity and neutrality beneath that. But I felt like a part of me had died, and I as numb physically. I don't know what do to with this information. Was I grieving over this perceived loss of self, or a label? Is this a fear, or an internal truth? I don't know, but it's cut deep ever since, and I can't stop worrying about it." Any help and guidance, even anecdotal, would be deeply appreciated. Sorry, having a glance over my previous blog posts might help? Thanks to any and all replies made.
I'm going through the same thing as you, though not that extreme. I still believe I'm a male, but I do have questioning moments where I just doubt everything and have floods of negative thoughts telling me I'm lying and that it's just a phase and I'm too feminine to be trans. Honestly, though, in the end, I always come back to how I always feel (male). I'm not quite sure what I can do for myself, which in turn kind of has me at a loss as to what to do for you. I'm always here for you to talk to or rant to if you need to though, I hope you can figure stuff out and I hope I can find ways to help you. I, however, don't think you would grieve that hard over something that was just a label (you could, but I feel it's not likely). Perhaps your gender is a bit fluid?
Nymree Aiden, Sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed. Sometimes we reach points in our lives where we feel like we are "paring away" parts of ourselves, letting go of things that have been with us so long. Things that we believed were truly us. And doubt settles in... Now, I don't discount the theory that you are gender fluid, or some such, but don't get caught up in your grief. Explore it. What is it really telling you? Maybe another meditative experience can help in giving you some answers. Just a thought. Sebby45
