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Just what is going on?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by sonic22, Feb 28, 2017.

  1. sonic22

    Regular Member

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    Um... hello I'm new here. I've been having a lot of trouble trying to figure out my gender identity which I why I am here today!

    So... um... Sorry this is kind of long...

    I was 16 years old when I first started questioning my gender identity. I attended an LGBT conference and there was the first time I was ever asked about my PGPs. I responded saying that it really didn't matter what you called me. That surprised me, given that I am female so I thought I would definitely prefer being called she/her. And so the questioning began.

    I mulled over that response for a while, until being more masculine started to appeal to me. When I was a kid, I was very much a tomboy, even though I still wore dresses, skirts, and cute shoes. I remember drifting away from my interest in dolls and losing lots of friends because of that. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Anyways, back to identity. Being masculine was a perfect fit for me and soon my feelings grew stronger. I didn't just want to look like a man, but also be one. I cut my hair short, I was all over the men's section in clothing stores, I went by a different, more masculine name, and I became very dysphoric. I even wrote poetry about how I wished I had a man's body. I could've sworn I was a trans man.

    That lasted for about several years and then it all just stopped. My gender dysphoria decided to disappear I guess. I started feeling more feminine and I no longer wanted to go by a masculine name (I chose a neutral one instead). For the first time in a while, my body felt "right". I assumed that I just wasn't transgender after all (I'm sure it happens?) so I continued my life now being a cisgender female.

    And that lasted for a good month when suddenly, my mysterious dysphoria came back with a vengeance. Emphasis on the "vengeance" because wow, that was the worst bottom dysphoria I've ever had and it lasted for about a week. I felt a strong need to transition immediately. And then it was over before I knew it. I mean, thank goodness (that was horrible), but what it going on exactly?

    A couple more weeks passed and I felt dysphoric again, but this time, it's my chest. Luckily, I purchased a chest binder a while back when I thought I was a trans man. So, that actually helped. But again, the dysphoria magically subsided. And then it came back one more time. And now I want to say that it's completely gone since I'm practically back to being a cis female again.

    This entire time I've been switching between many labels. Transgender, non-binary, agender, bigender, neutrois, gender fluid... But it's a total mess.

    Here's something that I do know for sure: I like the androgynous expression. I kind of like the idea of people not being able to assume my gender. Not that I'm trying to screw up the binary or anything. I don't want this to sound like some sort of political message or anything similar. But being neutral or in-between just seems "nice" I guess. Even during that entire dysphoria-or-no-dysphoria situation, I still felt that being neutral would be the best for me. I used to wish that my body bits were completely gone just so that I don't have to worry about this gender identity thing anymore. And heck, take them. I don't want them, they frustrate me.

    Well this is mouthful. Sorry, I have the case of I-talk-a-little-bit-too-much. :eusa_doh: I'm actually a bit fatigued, so I apologize if all of this sounds disorganized. I'd be more than happy to clarify these things!

    So... right now I feel cis. I'm totally fine with being female now. I can used she/her pronouns again. I also don't mind he/him but I'll stick with what I lean on at the moment. My body feels right, I feel pretty good honestly. But I part of me is a bit scared. Given about what happened before, I wonder if my dysphoria will ever come back?

    Has anyone been through a similar situation? Can dysphoria come and go like that?

    I'm just a big bucket of IDK right now. :confused:
     
  2. Sebby45

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    Hi sonic22,

    I too had a "phase" where I strongly wanted to be a man. I still do have dysphoric days where I bind my chest. But that dysphoria has subsided considerably.Though I still prefer masculine pronouns.

    I think with me, the thing was I realized that I am a human being no matter what gender I am. So, I am going to be me. Being a man or a woman doesn't change the fundamental me.

    Now I am not saying that being trans* is invalid. I do believe there are people who are mismatched. But the fact that your dysphoria waxes and wanes is, to me, a sign that you are not trans*. Especially since now you can tolerate she/her pronouns and feel cis.

    Take a deep breath and don't worry so much about a label. Labels are just labels. You are a human being. That is enough right now. What you feel is valid. In time, you will become comfortable with who you are...and maybe then, you will find which niche you best fit. It takes a lot of time to sort these things out. Don't be in a hurry.

    I hope some of this helps,

    Sebby45
     
  3. sonic22

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    I appreciate your response, I really do. I tend to concern myself with labels to the point to where it makes me want to pull my hair right out of my scalp.

    I also wanted to quote you on "I am a human being no matter what gender I am. So, I am going to be me. Being a man or a woman doesn't change the fundamental me." I've also experienced similar feelings lately. I just don't really care at the moment. I'm just a person. Man or Woman, why does it matter? But I understand that for some people, those labels matter aplenty.

    Thank you so much for the help. I hope I'll find myself someday. But I do feel a bit disappointed. I told a lot of my friends about me being transgender. Now I have to tell them that it's possibly not the case. I just don't feel like dealing with the backlash. I remember having to do the same thing with my sexual orientation. Everybody took me as some confused kid who can't figure out who they are like everyone else.

    But I guess it actually speaks the truth.

    Honestly, thank you for this. I've been considering seeing a gender therapist and I miiiight still do that, just because I much prefer talking to someone face-to-face about it. But this really helped me a lot.
     
  4. Sebby45

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    I'm glad I was able to help. I understand your concern with the "backlash" of changing what you said before. But what can you do? This sort of thing is a process that naturally changes with time as you get to know yourself better. It isn't your fault.

    Anyway, I think it is great that you are considering seeing a gender therapist. Talking things out with a real life person can help considerably.

    Best of luck,

    Sebby45