I think i'm a nonbinary trapped in a FTM body.

Hi. I really need advice because I'm feeling really bad these days.

First of all, I want to apologize If something I had written here doesn't make anysense. I'm from México, so english is not my first language.

I'm a 23 yo FTM. I started my transition at 18. My experience was kind of different of what I always hear. Even If I was tomboy as hell at my childhood, I was a girly teenager. My wardrobe was full of skirts, dresses and stuff like that. I used to wear makeup all the time, even If that day I wasn't leaving my house. I defined my self as a pretty pink punky princess. At some point when I was 16, I started to feel bad for being a woman. My mother gave me a pretty conservative sex education, she told me women were men's sex toys and that girls don't feel pleasure. I live in a country where girls are sexually harassed everyday and people act like it's normal. Even when it comes from they're own family. I related being a woman with being powerless.

I was scared of being a female. Then I kind of decided to became a man. My family, appart of my mother's sex education, was fully supportive. For 2 years I was the stereotypical pre-op and pre-t FTM (but gay, cause I had a boyfriend).

Everything was ok. But I really missed my girly side. I felt so guilty about that! Secretly, I bought some wigs and girly clothing. It was so weird!! Me, a female bodied person hiding of be seen wearing skirts and painting my toe nails pink. But even with that in my mind, I started my HRT.

2 years of T and it gave me a pre-teen boy voice, hairy legs, some facial hair (barely) and huge back. I looked like a 15 yo boy. Not like a 22 young man. At first I wasn't happy with that. I know most people says that T doesn't make any emotional changes but I was angry all the time, answering violently to everything and everyone around me, even myself. I used to hit my own body and break stuff.

It was a living hell.

They day I hurted my boyfriend as a result of my constant state of anger. I understood how wrong I was. My doctor asked me for a clinic hormone check and she found out I had almost the double amount of T I was suposed to have. So she postponed my treatment.

First I went through depression because I was going back to the start. But within my first period I felt calm and peace for the first time in years. It was like letting my body do a cleaning from inside to outside. I was again the gentle, nice and cute person I used to be. It was awesome. My doctor revised my breast and ovaries with an ultrasound and didn't find any damage. So I decided to stop my treatment definetly.

At this point I don't feel like a man or a woman. I'm legally a male. Biologicaly a female. But my mind is something in between.

Sometimes I think I should stay like this, wearing androgynous clothes and passing as a teen boy. But there are days I want to have a baby, get a full time woman life. Other days I want to start T again and became a super manly man. I'm so confused.

So this is my life as a FTM person. I really need advice, I need to feel comfortable with who I am. Any help would be totally appreciated.