Things I think about.

Lately, there have been a lot of questions running through my mind. I've mentioned my concerns and questions in previous posts, but I'd like to give an overview of a lot of questions I have and lots of other people in a similar situation have.

First, many people my age right now are probably asking themselves "What am I doing with my life?" or "What am I doing after high school? What about after college?" All of us have vivid dreams of what we want to do or have happen, etcetera, however none of us know for sure what's really going to happen or how things can come out of nowhere and positively or negatively affect us. There's a massive element of unsurety. Not too many people know exactly how future events will play out, if any. So many people, my age and in general, are constantly questioning what the future may bring, what's going to happen, what should we be doing, etcetera.

Another question on my mind, and several other's, is what happens if I don't get accepted to college? What happens if things don't work out the way I want them to? What do I do if this all goes south? Or North way too quickly? Personally, if I'm not enrolled in college by my 19th birthday I lose my medical insurance. I'm on my dad's benefit plan and they already cut my sister (even though she survived cancer). I'd also have to deal with scrambling to find a job, and my parents making my life miserable every single day.

For me, a big shadow looming over everything I do is "How will [blank] affect my transition or life while transitioning? I desperately want to transition, it honestly feels like a need and less of a want to me right now. I'm a transgirl, with the full desire to do everything in my power to be comfortable and make myself happy, and I want to live full-time as a girl as soon as possible. I think everyone can understand that. I understand the while not rushing thing, but it's still implanted in my mind to do everything, in regards to transition, as quick as possible. I want to be the girl I am inside. I want to walk around and say with confidence and pride that I'm a girl. I'm constantly feeling paranoid that I'm going to be outed, or accidentally out myself, or something else that's bad will happen and my whole world will fall apart. And I'm constantly thinking about transition in college, how it will affect me, how it will affect my family, how it will affect any friendships or relationships, how it can affect employment, how other people will treat me and react to me, how it could affect me financially, how it will affect my self-image, etcetera. My parents swear they would never just cut me off and leave me homeless, however I have this looming feeling that I'm going to have no family within the next year or so and will most likely be going this alone. Money is also going to be an issue, especially with college and everything else. Transition is something I want so badly, but I don't know how it will affect me overall. Heck, I don't even know if it will be possible for me.

My last topic here is sex and relationships. Seriously though, I really like the idea of a vivid sex life. I know sex and stuff can be a sensitive topic, and not too many people I know like talking about it, but I feel I can't keep it to myself. I need to vent. It's a hidden secret of mine, but I value good relationships above most other things. Especially when it comes to a significant other. I feel like deep passionate love is worth more than anything else to me. I do like sex, but only as a display of passion and pleasure. Not like the creepy old guy in the basement. It seems a lot of people outside of the community like to use our likes and dislikes against those of us within the community, especially when it comes to sex. People be like "You like sex!?! You perverted freak!!! How dare you exist in the same universe as me!!" And then I'm just like, "Chill out. No need to get upset over other people's preferences. Liking passionate love-making doesn't mean that you are a pervert. Liking the idea of love and pleasuring a partner isn't a crime." People get mad offended when it comes to sex and relationships and a lot of it seems unprecedented and makes very little sense to me. I mean, I want to make love to somebody and pleasure them and allow them to pleasure me. What's wrong with that? I want to feel that connection, that euphoria, that sense of belonging that supposedly follows after orgasm. I'll be completely honest, I'm a bottom and I like the things that come with being a bottom. I have no problem with mutual relationships, but I prefer being the bottom. I'm probably going to have a very open and vivid sex-life in college, if given the opportunity. I'm not going to lie or cover that up, I have nothing to hide. As much as I want one soul mate to spend the rest of my life with, I really have no problem with casual sex and stuff like that. To me, sex is something to be enjoyed not hated. Granted I've never had sex, I haven't even had a single date in my life, but I feel this way deep inside. I'm not a big fan of hook-ups, and I will probably never have sex with a complete stranger, but if somebody I liked or felt comfortable around wanted to do it and I was in the mood, I would. Why should I not have sex? If it's safe and all that, why not? I feel I shouldn't have to hide my sexual preferences. And when I've transitioned enough to get away with it, I will probably dress in "sexy" outfits a lot because I like them. I like a lot of different things, sometimes things I like contradict themselves, but I like the idea of being comfortable and outgoing with my body and self. I like conservative attire as well. And I really don't see the problem with an adult showing cleavage and stuff. When I have boobs, I'm most likely going to wear clothes that show them. It's just my taste in fashion. I mean, there's lots of opposition to these things these days, but who's to stop me? Random guys on the Internet can't police my tastes, like legit. I'm going to try my best to be honest and open about these things in my future endeavors (obviously when appropriate) and I'm just going to live my life the way I want to regardless of what random people have to say. Honestly, if I'm that comfortable and confident, why should that be considered a bad thing? Life is about the pursuit of happiness, and I'm going to do whatever is in my power to achieve said happiness. You know what I mean?

There's lots of other questions and thoughts going through everyone's minds right now, but these are just some that are being highlighted in my life right now. Other people are probably asking themselves similar questions or have similar thoughts on these subjects. I just felt like venting again, so that's a thing. This is really the only place I can comfortably discuss these things. Hopefully I don't come off in a bad light here, I hope I don't seem "bad" or "fake" to anyone. My worst fear is not being taken seriously and being called a "fake transsexual" and being shunned and all that. I'm really authentic, I swear I am. I fear that people will dislike me for the things I say, the way I feel, and so on. You know? I want to not be afraid, but it's hard to avoid and get over. <3

Also, please excuse the essay I wrote here. I feel terrible that my posts are always so long. I swear, I could go on forever with this stuff. <3