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Back to being a man :/

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by onlyhuman33, Mar 3, 2017.

  1. onlyhuman33

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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
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    As I sit here mentally preparing to be someone I'm not, I feel a certain amount of anxiety, dysphoria, and sadness.

    My wife and I have a meeting with the school for our annual I.E.P meeting for our AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL, TALENTED, AND BRILLIANT daughter, who happens to be autistic. Very high functioning, as I've mentioned in previous posts. I haven't come out to the school because I don't want my autistic daughter who also wears a back brace for her scoliosis, to get picked on any more than she already does. So to fight this annual battle against the school today, I have to be my former male self. It really sucks for me, because I have to lower my voice, wear my androgynous clothes that lean towards masculine and correct my mannerisms. But the worst, I feel, isn't all the things that I am having trouble coping with. The worst is my poor wife.

    There have been a few times that I have needed to be my former masculine self for one reason or another. It really isn't often. In fact, I really only anticipate 2 more times after today. Hopefully ever. But whenever I a do present male, I feel bad for my wife because she sees, touches and interacts with the man that she fell in love with 20 years ago. Yeah, at first you may think, "well good for her!! She gets to see him again!!" But just as the laws of gravity dictate that what goes up must come down, what she gets, she has to give back. I equate it to her losing her husband like in a car accident or something. Then she gets to see the ghost of him, but she knows that she has to let him go again. It's like losing him over and over and over again. Having to say goodbye over and over and over again.

    I feel so much pain and suffering internally whenever I have to present as male. All of that pain must pale in comparison to the internal hell that she lives. I love her so much. I wish I could be as strong as her. She too is AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL, TALENTED AND BRILLIANT.
     
  2. Kasey

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    The going back into the closet even for a day... my heart goes out to you.
     
  3. Crisalide

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    Maybe your wife fell in love with the man, but after some time she will fall in love even more with the woman. Or maybe she is not suffering that much seeing again your past appearance and her heart, not only her mind, realises that it's the same person.
    Did you talk with her about how she feels when you present that way?
     
  4. onlyhuman33

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    Hi Kasey,

    I couldn't agree more. It does suck. Thanks for your support!!


    Crisalide,

    There is no denying the amount of growth my wife has done over the course of the past year. She totally loves ME no matter how I identify. It was definitely not an overnight thing. It's kinda interesting. I feel that we connect on such a higher level when I am my truest, purest self. I believe she, too, realizes it. But that man was her first true love. So no matter how much she has progressed, no matter how much she has moved on, those feelings of "Oh my god!! It's him!!!" will always be there for her. We have talked about it, and my wife isn't the easiest person to communicate with. I always have to be the one to lead the horse to water AND make her drink whenever we try to communicate.