Eating Disorders and Gender Dysphoria

I went through something similar, though I think mine was probably less severe than yours. I stopped eating for a while due to depression and dysphoria, I was hoping that if I didn't eat I would lose some of my chest and my period would stop. This went on for about 8 months, where I would eat hardly anything for a week or two and then break and binge for a whole weekend. I still occasionally have problem weeks, where I try to stop eating again and have to remind myself that it isn't good for me. Going on the pill helped me a lot as far as dysphoria and that's the main reason why I'm doing better now.

I understand your position, but it really is important that you stop. I was underweight and going downhill before I managed to drag myself out of it, and things would only have gotten worse if I hadn't. I understand what you mean when you say it makes you feel good, I was at that point as well. That's where it really gets dangerous, I think. If you can find healthier ways to cope with dysphoria that might help. If you think that your parents would be able to help you, with dysphoria or your eating problem, you should consider telling them. Or if you have a friend you could tell that might be a good idea. If someone else knows about the problem and can support you while you're trying to get through it, that can make all the difference. I hope this helps.

 

I tend not to talk about this, but Benji, I've been there. So I'm going to get a bit personal here:

I had an eating disorder for over seven years (anorexic/restrictive type.) It started innocently enough, but I became obsessed with my body in the same way. I was gender dysphoric and not eating was my way of fighting to make my body look more boyish. To feel in control of my thoughts and feelings.

You need to get help as soon as possible. First destroy the eating disorder. It is pernicious and tells you lies. It tells you that is feels good, when it is stripping your body of nutrients in the meantime. That you will get what you want. What you will end up with is a coffin. You may never destroy it 100% (I haven't) but you CAN get healthy. Then you can focus on untangling your feelings of gender. Your physical life comes first, then your emotional. I know it may seem heartless, but without a life, how can you fix things so that you can enjoy one?

Believe me, you will soon have to face the problem of not eating with your family. Once your weight starts melting off, it will be plainly obvious. Maybe approach your Mum about this issue first, since she seems more receptive. You will need a strong ally to beat the eating disorder. After that, maybe she will be open to hearing why you felt the way you did, and took the steps you thought would ease your pain.

Actually, things happened in a similar way for me. And I am here, alive, and not abandoned.

I honestly hope that some of this reaches you and I can feel your pain with all my heart. Dysphoria + an Eating Disorder is absolute hell.

Please step out of the fire soon. (*hug*)

Sebby

 

I've also been in a similar situation: I starved myself in order to get rid of my curves and my periods. Based on my experience, I can say with certainty that starving yourself and binging is not the way to go about "dealing" with your dysphoria. Anorexia is life threatening, in fact 1 in 5 people die from it. This may be too blunt for your liking, but you can't live the life you desire as a male if you're dead. Binge eating is also known to cause serious medical issues. Restricting your food intake weakens you greatly. As a result, restrictors are often not allowed to medically transition as their bodies simply wouldn't be able to handle a medical transition. Also, you mentioned your preoccupation with food distracting you from your dysphoria, but is this really any better? Is it that much nicer having your entire day consumed by counting calories and depriving yourself of sustenance, only to binge and scold yourself afterwards? Is it that much better to place all your self-worth on a set of numbers on a scale?

As for not being "done" with your eating disorder, here's the thing: you will never be done with your eating disorder, not if you don't fight it. The only ways this can end is either if you make an effort to fight back against your self-destructive thoughts, or you let them kill you. No matter how badly you feel about yourself, you do not deserve to die, let alone in such a slow a painful way like starvation. You deserve to live just as much as anyone else. What's more is that you actually have something to live for: the day when you can be yourself, living as the man that you truly are.

Please, get some help. Regardless of how you go about finding it, whether it's through a doctor or a parent, it is possible to get out of this. Things can get better if only you allow it. But please don't think that things can only improve if you do something about your gender issues, as you need to take it upon yourself to change and nothing else. Don't give yourself any excuses not to try. There are other ways to cope with your dysphoria, ways that don't involve damaging your body and your mind. Take up a hobby: draw, write, listen to music. Doing sports may help you to be more comfortable with your body. There is such a huge variety of activities you can do, all you've got to do is find the ones that work best for you. Take care.

 

^ Amen.