Hi, I'm 20 years old, designated female at birth and from a small traditional country. I'm out as bi to my closest family and a very few friends, but closeted to most of them out of fear and safety reasons. Also, I've been dating a trans guy for a few years now. I've been strongly questioning my gender indentity since 15 or so and was never happy with any label I found, but lately I'm feeling more and more uncomfortable with my gender and my bottom dysphoria got really bad this year especially I also indentify as a nonbinary male now But the thing is my appearance never truly feels right (I'm really feminine, long hair, makeup, dresses and all) but I tried getting it to the point I'm happy with while making others around me comfortable I guess, and I have a really big need to be percieved good looking since I've had an eating disorder on and off since I was probably 13 now I know how I was supposed to look like but doing anything to get there freaks me out, I'm so concerned I won't be happy with the results of hormones (mostly my voice, it's really high pitched) or surgeries or that I won't be taken seriously and as messed up this sounds incinvenience people around me... I'm also not sure would I be ready to give up my femininity so I'd still be really feminine even after that all, so I'm really not sure what to do... I also get really startled when people I'm out to use male pronouns around others but I think I just have a really bad kneejerk reaction coming from a very homophobic/transphobic place so it gets me scared what might happen. I own some masculine clothes since recently and they make me feel so right but I can't be fully happy with them on cause my face is too soft and I just don't feel passing... My bottom dysphoria is a mess since I pretty much have a phantom limb thing going on and the fact my body doesn't match what I feel is there messes me up really badly and is probably the worst part since I can kind of zone out being percieved this or that by my appearance most of the time but this just stays Is anyone else scared of actually taking the leap and transitioning so much they don't do anything about it? I'm kind of scared of messing up a perfectly good body even though it doesn't feel mine at all and most of the time I just feel like I'm operating a machine, and I'd really like to have one that actually feels like mine but it's so scary, especially since the "what if I change my mind" bit
I think everyone has some fears of transitioning physically. It's not an easy thing to do - it can be nerve-racking (just like any other major surgeries or life changes), and it will definitely take some adjusting to at first. However, if you end up not wanting to physically transition, that doesn't make you any less valid or any less male/nb. Do what makes you comfortable - that's it. Don't worry what others say. If the dysphoria is really bad but you have a fear of surgery/change, I'd recommend things like tucking your hair in a hat if you ever feel like you want to try short hair, wearing a binder/packer, etc.
