Crossdresser or Gender Issues? Fetish or Identity?

Oh, uh hey hi yes
This may be my only post here but I thought I'd givita shot

I've been questioning my gender identity lately
Snooped around on the internet about it
It's hard to find answers but I saw a lot of threads on this nice site so hey ho lets go.


So, uhh... I like feeling like a woman?
I'm a dude, yea.
But like, what the bleep does that mean for me
Am I a girl? genderfluid maybe?
Or just a crossdresser??

It's something I've only recently started thinking seriously about.
I've always been curious.
Weirdly enough, playing with my mom's bras when I was tiny is one of my earliest memories :v
I'd forgotten about that till recently... I recall I went through a short phase of closet-digging for girls stuff to wear when I was entering puberty too. Chalked it up to being curious about it all. It was frankly kinda exciting.

Other than that... I've mostly just had a fascination with women and how things are from their side.
They've got the monopoly on grace and beauty
Whereas men are [usually] just ugly, utilitarian-looking things.
Women have the nicest bodies and the...ehem.....better, funner bits
It'd be great to step into their skin
etc etc

Have I wanted to be a woman?
I mean... I wouldn't object
I've always wanted to
Just to see
Would I want to stay that way?
I dunno... maybe it I liked it enough?
I'm kinda cozy in my current gender role tho

What started me questioning?
I guess a lot of it has to do with my ex-girlfriend
She was MTF trans
I loved her dearly but things went nasty and she left me recently.
It was devastating. Really messed me up. But anyway,
I was always really supportive of her transition
I'll admit it made me nervous at first, cuz of my conservative background
But I came around eventually and loved those parts of her as much as the rest
And it helped me open my mind to the concepts of gender identity etc a lot more
It made me unspeakably happy to see her fulfill her desires and be who she wanted
I would beam when I heard she'd gotten a chance to dress up and feel good
I was happy to be by her side and thought it was all pretty cool. Even kinda hot, to be totally honest.

I guess it all brought questions about myself to the surface.
In many ways I was kinda jealous of her transition
She was getting to live it from the "other side"; something I've always wanted to taste
When we'd, um... erotic RP, I'd always get really turned on when we'd both play as girls :v
It all excited me and made me wonder why. Was I just fetishizing it? Or was there something more to myself?

But since I've never felt dysphoria, I always waved it off as just a fascination.
Until recently.

I don't remember what got me really thinking about it... but it really kicked off with a dream I had one night.
In it I was... idk, I recall had taken a van and I know I was sort of on the run for some reason; but at some point realized I was dressed as a girl.
I was cute. I had an understated grey-blue dress on, and some girls shoes.
I felt so nice.
I remember having to sneak across a field, but someone across a river saw me; from the distance I tried to play it off and smiled and waved girlylike. It worked; he musta thought I was a girl cuz he grinned real wide back and didn't suspect nuthin'. And it felt really good to be seen like that??? I don't know why???

I mean, it was just a dream; but I knew after that that I have something going on with me. Even if I maybe am just into crossdressing.

And maybe that's all it is. But I feel like maybe there's something more? Or maybe I'd just like there to be, lol...

Another thing about me you should know, is I'm kinda surrounded by trans/fluid/etc people. I make friends with them really easily for some reason; I don't know why. They just seem to like me??
As a matter of fact, I don't think I've ever had a cis girl hit on me :v
But so, with all that, and having dated sometime trans, I suppose there could be a sort of "peer pressure" to feel something like that in myself too...

But idk. I'd like to figure this out.

A lot of its sexual, I'll be honest and admit that. It's a definite turn-on; I get really aroused thinking about most any of it.

And guys passing as women can be pretty hot to me sometimes
Or make me jealous
Ever see the cover of David Bowie's The Man Who Sold the World?
Damn I'd give anything to look (and feel!) like that sometime lol.

So with all that said, there seems to be a heavy case to dismiss it all as a fetish.

But on the other hand, I think, I just think, there might be something more? Once you get past the "excitement" of it all, I feel like there's some sort of genuine joy/satisfaction I get from being in those feminine states...

I had another dream yesterday. Part of it was that I had gone back to an old job I had long ago with some friendly religious folk and was living with them, and part of it was that I was happily wearing girls clothes. I don't know if I was living as a woman, or just dressing, but I was openly presenting in some way. And it felt really, really, good. Like the fulfillment of a dream I'd always had. There was a moment of my mom(?) comparing me to one of my sisters and that made me feel stupidly gratified.
But those feelings were all manufactured by the dream of course.
I don't know if they'd hold up in the real life.

But I feel like I might have a definite female side. Like, maybe almost an alternate identity inside me? It's kinda exciting to think about. I even know what I'd call my female self.

But the thing is, I feel entirely comfortable in my own skin
I've never felt any kind of dysphoria, that I can recall
I enjoy being mistaken for a woman, but I'm not upset to be called a man
I have long, luxurious hair, but also a rough beard
I'd love rocking a pretty dress, but I'm just as cool in a leather jacket and khakis
If I never get to live out my femininity I'd be disappointed, but not devastated
So idk? I guess that probly means I'm not trans?

Maybe genderfluid? But from what I hear, for those people it's like having a male/female switch in their heads that's out of their control, dictating how they feel comfortable presenting throughout the day... I don't feel like that
At least I don't think so

I heard there's something called bi-gender but how far can these identity terms go before they're just made-up lol

So what the heck am I??

I'm not living any of this out at the moment. I haven't crossdressed since my early teens. The most I do is keep my hair nice when I can, and find myself making rather feminine motions from time to time. And I fantasize of course. Maybe make a cute face in the mirror :v

I um... hang out in a lot of "furry" communities, and have a fox character that represents myself; you can see it in my avi (wearing a dress!! :3c I felt stupidly happy getting to make that one my avi) It's a guy, but the long hair has ended up getting me mistaken for a girl online at times, and he's gotten drawn crossdressing or as a woman a few times, and I always secretly deeply relish all of it.

I'd like to explore this side of me more but I live at home with little privacy so that's not really much of an option for me atm. So right now most all I can do is just think about it all.
If I could tho I think I'd get a bunch of cute stuff and wear it around the house for as long as I can and see how I like it aaaaaaaaa that sounds like fun :3c

I suppose I could talk to some of my trans/fluid friends about it and see what they have to say. They could probably help me figure myself out. But idk... not sure I'm ready or confident enough to talk admit this stuff to friends just yet.
And I've always been totally dude-mode around them lol so it'd feel a bit weird for me to admit :v


So, idk quite what I'm asking of you all; I'm frankly getting kinda sleepy
But if you have any thoughts or advice or literally anything for me I'd appreciate it :3
Thank you so much for reading~

 

That kinda makes sense... I could see myself relating to that.

I'll definitely be introspecting a lot.
Private crossdressing isn't something I really have the opportunity to do atm (especially since I dont exactly have access to clothes right now), but hopefully I'd possibly be able to in the near future, maybe maybe.
I might give that thread a look tho!! This site seems as good a place as any to experiment with things a bit.

Ahhh, that sounds like a great experience!! I'd like to do that myself; that's the sort of thing I love feeling in my fantasies...
But I understand your hesitation on what that feeling of satisfaction meant. I'd feel the same.
It's a learning process I suppose. Thank you for sharing.
And thank you for the offer!! :3

How would I feel... Probly awkward lol
But... I think it would feel immensely, personally satisfying.
Definitely more than just sexually.
What exactly that "more" counts as? Not sure
But I think I'd feel like I was living in some kind of awesome fantasy, lol

I don't relate to every woman I see. Some of them I feel like I have nothing in common with.
But others really have a... a vibe, an aura, or something of the kind, that I admire and envy. Something that I wish I could feel embodied in myself. Just to experience it; to feel what being stunning is like.
Usually the really feminine or mysterious types.

I think it's mainly the feeling of femininity
I love feeling like I embody that, lol
And I relish being recognized as such
Not as a "feminine guy", but like... as if I'm inhabiting someone else.
Maybe that someone isn't 100% woman, even if I love feeling like a girl
But it's definitely not male either.
It's just.... me.

But,
I like being the regular me too.
I look up to cool male heroes and enjoy emulating that too.
But I want to be the other, girly me sometimes too.... Like today, I've been really feeling those feminine urges wanting to express themselves a lot.
So maybe it is more of a genderfluid thing? I'm not sure... I think it'll take more time before I can know.

Eeeehehehe thank you x3

I could live with it if I didn't, but it would be disappointing.... I wouldn't be able to have all the experiences I'd like to have.
And now that I recognize these feelings more.... Yeah, it might feel kinda repressing.

It's popped up every so often before... But I always kinda dismissed it till now.
I've been feeling it a lot more recently tho. Maybe just cuz I'm thinking about it a lot? Idk. But the feelings are there.

Does it feel like a choice? I mean, not really... Yes, it's a choice as in "I can choose to act or not act on these urges"; but no, I can't choose whether or not to have them. Repress them maybe lol; but I mean seeing as I felt this on occassion all my life I doubt it's going anywhere.
And yes... I do think it does beyond the sexual. I can't fully disconnect if from that, cuz the arousal is there; but I definitely do feel it does something for me emotionally in a very satisfying way.

I feel like my answer to Cinis above answers this pretty well.
Honestly... It doesn't feel so much as wanting to fit in and relate with other women as much as it is the desire to fulfill something deeply personal.
But then again I can be kinda antisocial so maybe I wouldn't know I wanted that type of connection till I tried it

Thanks again to all of you responding to this and thanks for helping me explore this~

 

I guess mainly cuz I like how it makes me feel? It just kinda makes me stupidly happy, heh

I'm exploring it all cuz, I mean... if there is something different about me, that's kinda neat
And if I could get some joy or satisfaction out of it, why not y'know.

 

Thank you so much for sharing!! I'm glad you got to a place you're comfortable with :3

The more I think about this all on my own end, the more I feel like maybe I can identify as being genderfluid... Maybe I'm not 100% specifically that, who knows; but as a loose term, I think I might be comfortable under it

I'm honestly considering showing what I've written here to one of my nice genderfluid friends and see what they can tell me. I just don't want to make things weird or something lol x3

But yes, thank you thank you so much to those who've replied. <3

 

So like, I'm feeling a lot more confident in these feelings
So I went and changed my Twitter/Discord avi to one similar to the one I'm using here
And goddamn it feels GOOOOODDD
:3c
I love this